Eli Manning Listed as ‘Confused’ for Sunday’s Game

East Rutherford NY – For the first time in NFL history, a player has been slated as questionable for : “Confusion”.



“I knew it was coming”, reported starting center Jon Halapio. “Last week we were breaking huddle and he asks me the snap count.  I’m like you’re the quarterback, make something up”.



“Dude asked me where the clean towels were the other day after practice”, CB DeAndre Baker said, shaking his head slowly.  “I mean dude been playing here since I was in kindergarten and he gonna ask me?”



Coach Shurmer brushed aside questions regarding the unconventional call and Manning’s reaction.  “He’s a big boy.  He knows how it works.  What he can’t seem to grasp is the difference between a  Cover-2 Beater and a Zone-Weak, Bootleg Strong.”



At press time Manning was reportedly sitting dejectedly in the locker room watching a 24 second loop of his two yard touchdown pass to Victor Cruz in Super Bowl XLVI.

Man at Superbowl Party Wants Everyone to Know He Brought the Wings

Marietta, GA – Thirty-three year old divorced father of two Matt Poole insured that everyone in attendance at his friend Rodney Spence’s Superbowl party was aware that he, and he alone, brought the wings.

“Hey guys, the wings are on the counter by the microwave”, he said jovially to a small crowd which had assembled near the kitchen. “I brought ‘em”.

Poole then proceeded to grab a sriracha wing from the tray and stroll through the den where the majority of the partygoers were waiting for the kickoff. “Spicy”, he announced to no one in particular.  “That’ll light you up”, he added, exhaling sharply.

“Better get ‘em while they’re hot.  Won’t be any left by halftime, I can assure you.”

“Matt doesn’t get out much these days”, Margo Swanson, his neighbor and friend of his ex-wife explained.  “So this is kind of a big deal for him.  Honestly, I made the Thai curry and mango pineapple sauces”, she continued, her voice dropping.  “He texted me night before last just freaking out because he doesn’t know the first thing about cooking.”

“Only a few of these delicious cilantro lime wings left”, the completely broken man extolled as the partygoers filed past him, oblivious to his pleas.

At press time, Poole had cornered Rodney’s wife Belinda and offered to give her his recipes in exchange for one of her single female friend’s phone number.

NFL Rejects Giant’s Request for “Do-overs”

Police were called to the home of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell after a visibly disheveled and unshaven Tom Coughlin was reportedly discovered beating on the commissioner’s door at 4:30 am waving a copy of the NFL rulebook to which he had appended approximately seven pages of hand-written “rules”.  Among them was the stipulation that any team which “had failed to win a game going into the seventh week of regular season - which was limited to past Super Bowl champions in major markets - and whose starting Quarterback had become a bungling dunderhead apparently unable to distinguish the players wearing his team’s uniforms from the opponent’s” should be allowed a do-over.  The desperate manifesto further proclaimed that in such an event, all teams records would be reset to 0-0, and the season shortened thusly.

Goodell was forced to call the police after Coughlin repeatedly refused to leave the premises, and even after Goodell pointed out that the added rules were obviously counterfeit, containing several misspellings and a reference to Dallas Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones as a “cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater”.

Coughlin was bailed out by team back-up Quarterback Curtis Painter, who reported he’d been awake anyway, studying the Giant’s playbook in the hopes Coughlin would start him in Manning’s place against the Raiders.

In related news, sources were unable to confirm Pittsburgh Steeler’s owner Dan Rooney was hiding among some shrubs in Goodell’s front yard eagerly anticipating Goodell’s decision.

Super Bowl XLV Half-time Show to Feature Intentional Wardrobe Malfunction

Dallas, TX - Citing sagging TV ratings and the looming lockout for the 2011 NFL season, Super Bowl committee spokesman Hal Wimbush announced today that the committee has decided to stage an intentional “wardrobe malfunction” during the half-time show of Super Bowl XLV.

“We’re talking full areola”, Wimbush added with a wink. “Maybe two.”

Fox Network spokesman Biff Shorn defended the committee’s decision. “This is America,” Shorn said, “and in America, we pretty much like breasts.” Shorn admitted Fox Network will have to “bite the pillow” with regards to the fine which the FCC will inevitably impose. “We’ve already crunched the digits” he said, shrugging. “Nips sell. What do you want me to say?”

Not everyone is enamored with the news, however. “To intentionally expose a woman’s breast on national television before an audience of millions for the sake of ratings is an affront to decency and degrading to women everywhere” spat Heidi Huffleman, spokesperson for SVBEAW, or Stop Violence and Breast Exposure Against Women. “My God”, she continued stiffly, “people will be trying to eat during half-time.”

Some will remember the “accidental” split-second wardrobe malfunction from the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show, which was the undeniable swan song for Justin Timberlake’s career, but propelled Janet Jackson into a three month resurgence which has long since nose-dived into oblivion. Wimbush vowed this “northern exposure” would last considerably longer. “We’re still tweaking the aperture”, he noted. “Don’t hold me to anything, but it’ll be long enough for everyone to get a good wide-screen, high-definition look.”

A spokesman for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell reported that the commissioner has “made his position crystal clear” on what is already being termed “Milkgate”. Mr. Goodell will have a bird’s-eye view from his luxury skybox, on the fifty yard line.

While Wimbush would not divulge the identity of the woman whose breast will likely become the most downloaded, posted, and snickered over in history, he did rule out Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who are to perform prior to the “nip-slip”.

“Wanted too much money”, Wimbush added with a scowl.

Among those rumored to be the “teat treat” are Katy Perry, Vivian Fox, and Rachael Uchitel, although a feverish write-in campaign for Betty White is already in the works.

Wimbush would not comment on rumors of a planned goat sacrifice for the Super Bowl XLVI half-time show.

Falling Into Fall

I hate to see Summer go. I wail and bellow, and snort and stomp my feet. I cry like a child who’s just discovered Hannah Montana isn’t real. I hate it. In fact, I get so mad at Summer for leaving that I won’t return any of it’s phone calls for weeks.

Then - my eyes swollen and cheeks puffy from alligator tears - I force myself to face the grim reality that it’s over and now it’s time for Fall.

Seriously, Fall? A season so fantastic they named it after something clumsy people do. Why not just call it Nosepick? Or Bunion?

And to hear everyone go on and on about how great Fall is. “Oh the leaves are so pri-teeee. Feel that nip in the air?” Whatever.

So, I’m sucking it up and trying to look on the “bright side”. Of Fall. To come up with a few things about Fall that don’t totally gag me:

10. Football. This year, there will be 16,804 televised football games between Labor Day and January 2^nd. 7,157 of them will feature an announcer using the term “rose to the occasion” far too many times.
9. Air conditioner cuts off a few minutes here and there.
8. “Vomiting” jack-o-lanterns.
7. Crappy Summer replacement shows are replaced by crappy Fall premiere shows.
6. Octoberfest.
5. Grass stops growing like it was on steroids.
4. Line at the Dairy Queen drive-thru isn’t nearly as long.
3. Neighborhood third-graders stop pushing lemonade on every corner.
2. Get to pull that sweater with the patches on the elbows out of storage.
1. Anything looks better when you prop it up next to Winter.

So. That’s it. It’s the best I can do right now, okay? I have to go. Summer’s texted me like five times already today.

After Disappointing Season, Daniel Snyder Fires Redskins Fans

Landover, MD - After finishing the season 4-12 and failing to make the playoffs for the eighth time in 11 attempts, Washington Redskin’s owner Dan Snyder has “cleaned house”, firing all of the team’s estimated 1,493,612 fans. Although many NFL analysts predicted the bloodbath weeks ago, the news came as a shock to some. “I knew I shouldn’t have missed that week eleven match-up with the Cowboys”, lamented Connie Abbot of Fairfax, Virginia. “Had I been there, maybe our kicker would have made one of those two missed field goals, and we’d have won”, she said, wiping away a tear. “Of course, it was an away game, and my daughter’s baby shower was that weekend, but still, a true fan makes the sacrifice.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do”, said Kyle Stafford, a life-long Redskins fan. “I mean, I know it’s my fault. I didn’t cheer myself hoarse at every game. And that one time, I forgot to bring my pig nose”. Then, shaking his head continued, “maybe I’ll become a fan of the Ravens or Steelers. If they’ll have me”, his voice trailing off to a whisper.

The mood was somber at O’Brians Pub down the street from FedEx Field, where several dozen recently fired fans gathered to take whatever solace they could from each other and a pint of Guinness. “Truly, it is a sad day for Redskins fans”, mused “Kitty” Travers, clutching her autographed John Riggins trading card. “What will become of us now?”

While some have suggested that the blame should lie with the coaching staff, the players themselves, or even Snyder’s mercurial nature, general manager Bruce Allen brushed off these opinions. “It’s the fans”, he said in a recent phone conversation. “They didn’t give one hundred percent. Sure, some of them had to take second jobs to pay for their season tickets, but if you can’t buck up and do whatever it takes to win, we can’t use you.”

Snyder could not be reached for comment.