Co-worker Brings Spinach Dip Again

Silver Spring MD – Employees of the Law Offices of Mudder, Wainwight and Washburn reported today that 26 year old unmarried and childless paralegal Tiffini Baskins has – for the third consecutive year – had the gall to bring deli spinach dip to the annual company holiday luncheon.

“I can’t believe it”, reported receptionist Carole Grossman, who was up at 5 am making from scratch and baking a chocolate and pecan chess pie.  “She just stands there hovering over it, like it’s a just hatched eaglet or something until someone has some”.

 “And she gets really moody if you don’t tell her it’s like the greatest you ever had”, added admin assistant Valerie Rush.  “I mean, she got it at Super Fresh”.

“Look, she didn’t even take the price tag off this year.”

Flanked by a box of multi-grain crackers and a bag of corn tortilla chips, the sad, afterthought of a dish appeared almost flippant among an array of delicacies including green bean casserole with brie and almonds, cheddar and bacon potato salad, and deviled eggs with paprika and garlic.

“I agonized for weeks on what to make, before deciding on the sausage balls with onion and Worchester sauce”, lamented account manager Heather Crittenden, “then Little Miss Size Six prances in here like royalty with something she scooped up from a grocery store deli on her way in this morning.” 

At press time, senior partner Harv Wainwright, married with four children and twelve years Baskins’ senior was complimenting her on her “thoughtful, heart-friendly” selection.

Ghosts of Summer

It’s this time of year - when summer surrenders its all-encompassing warmth and lingering sunsets that paint the sky with vivid hues - to autumn, with its inevitable decay of all that’s alive and green and vibrant.  But for me, it is more than a date on a calendar, or the return of children to school.  It is bidding good-bye to a friend who I know I will not see again for a long time.

And like a good friend, it becomes harder and harder each time to part ways.

If we liken the seasons to the stages of our lives, then summer would represent when we are typically at our strongest, our most robust.  We teem with energy and optimism and hope.

As my birthday is in the summer, and many of our milestones coincide with the anniversary of our birth it follows that many of my fonder memories lie in those months: getting my driver’s license, buying alcohol (legally) for the first time, officially becoming an “adult”.  By fate or happenstance, it was also during summer that I experienced many other things for the first time, most of which are best left to the reader’s imagination.

It will forever evoke memories, of late, late evenings which last until the morning dew arrives, to warm, embracing breezes and ocean waves which swell and crash onto sandy beaches.  Of wispy clothing, lightweight and easily donned and shed.  Of early Seventies hard rock music emanating from an 8-track tape player, and skinny-dipping, and lying on blankets in an open field with a cacophony of crickets in the distance.  There was a feeling of security, as if summer would wrap you in an ethereal blanket of warmth.

And now it’s gone.

For me, summer giving way to autumn is like the barkeep that comes over and somberly tells you it’s “last call” and you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay there.  But there’s nowhere else you want to go. 

 
Except back to summer.

America the Distracted

Okay, so I was thinking, there’s this… wait, that’s my phone.  Okay, my team’s up two nothing in the first, good.  But anyway, I was- the door.  Who’s at the door?  Oh no, it’s the Lawn Rangers again.  How many times do you have to shout obscenities in Mandarin out the window before they get the message?  I’ll just duck in here until they’re… Dang, my phone again.  Oh, it’s just a video of a Panda playing a banjo.

Where was I?

Here’s the thing: Is it just me, or have we lost like 75% of our attention span?  I mean, you can’t even have a conversation without the other person donning that faraway gaze two minutes in.  My last attempt went something like this:

Me:  Hey, what’s up?

Them:  Nuthin.

Me:  Nothing huh?

Them:  Yep.

Me:  Really? Nothing at all?

Them:  Have you seen that video of that Panda playing a banjo?

I can’t remember the last time I saw anyone focus on anything for more than a few minutes, unless it was binge-watching the latest flavor-of-the-week Netflix release, or immersed in some video game.  Engage in conversation? Pooh-pooh the thought.  Having a barbeque?  Better collect the phones at the door.  Trying to organize a neighborhood clean-up day at the local park?  Good luck with that.  Unless there’s Wi-Fi.

No, we have – through conditioning, apathy, or some combination of the two – pretty much lost our ability to think about one thing for more than fifteen minutes, twenty tops.  Yet we are captivated by the most trivial, inane, and immaterial of shiny objects; it’s like junk food for the brain. 

A series of tornados tears through the Midwest sucking a few hundred people – and a handful of tractors - up into the vortex, but that’s soon forgotten when some reality show chucklehead tearfully reveals she was forced to eat lima beans as a child.  Life-changing events are occurring all around us, often right on our doorstep, but social media is abuzz over a couple of celebrity’s Twitter feud.

Some have suggested that we’re being manipulated into focusing on some things, to distract us from others.  And, they’re probably right - to some degree.  But, we can only ascribe so much blame to others when we are ultimately responsible for the choices we make in where to invest our time, energy, and emotions.

So, that’s it.  In closing, I’d just like to say- WHOA! A METAPOD JUST SPAWNED LIKE 600 YARDS FROM HERE!  Gotta run!

 

Stay focused out there.