Five Things I’ll Never Understand About Women

I’ve been around the block a couple or three times.  And, I’ve come to know a lot of women over the years – most platonically.  In observing the gender, I think I’ve pretty much figured them out, save for the following:

The obsession with footwear

To your average man, shoes are just another article of clothing; something we’re forced to replace every few years or so.  But to women, shoes have transcended the role of accessory and attained an almost sacred status in their hearts.  No, shoes are not simply something women slip into so they don’t have to walk around barefoot; they are to be revered.  As much as I have tried to make sense of this phenomenon, I cannot bring myself to comprehend how a woman will experience a metaphysical state of bliss upon stumbling onto a pair of “the sweetest suede clogs you ever saw”.  Which cannot be worn when it’s raining.  And, they were on sale for only $175.

The “Bad Boy” attraction

As a commercial that ran awhile back stated: “People do stupid things”.  And we do; all of us.  But I will never understand why a reasonably intelligent woman will allow a man into her life whom  - based on his track record - she knows in advance will eventually lie to her, cheat on her, run her car into the ditch behind the Quik-E-Mart, then call her at 3:00 am to bail him out of the drunk tank.  And no, if he really loved you he wouldn’t act like a spoiled, irresponsible nine-year-old.  And yes, people can change, they just almost never do.

The size of the purse is directly proportional to the odds of losing something

It goes like this:  She pulls up in front of the bar, or restaurant, or friend’s house.  If the purse is smaller than your average Shih Tzu, she’ll take it with her.  Otherwise she’ll think, “Oh, I’ll just take my keys.  And my phone.  And my charger.  And my sunglasses.  And a tampon – just in case.  And my mascara.  And some breath mints.  And maybe eyeliner.  And a lint roller.  And another tampon – just in case.  And this copy of Luckiest Girl Alive.  And my tweezers.  And this single-pole, double-throw industrial strength lockout switch.”  So, they stumble into wherever they’re going – arms overflowing with this stuff – and the odds of remembering it all upon leaving are about the same as my winning a Pulitzer Prize.

The loftiest adjective they can assign to any object is “cute”

Women will plot, scheme, spend the rent money and even fight one another over something – and I mean anything – they deem is cute.  It could be a portrait frame, a candle holder, ceramic figurines of Danny and Sandy from the movie Grease.  Doesn’t matter.  If it’s cute its worth is incalculable.

The cattiness

I admit I’ve been somewhat envious of some of the guys I’ve known over the years.  The “chiseled Adonis” that I suspected all the women secretly desired; the jock, with their athletic prowess; the “regular Joe” that women all seemed to adore; the “hit me up when you leave the club” type that never had to lift a finger to get women.  But you ladies – you just can’t stand it when you think another woman is a little hotter, or thinner, or more popular than you.  You should know that underneath the make-up and false eyelashes her insecurity is just as real as yours, her fear of rejection just as palpable, her tears just as salty.  If not more so.  So, stop it already.

Well, that’s it.  Next week: How to Sleep Comfortably on a Sofa

Banish the Handshake!

Here’s the scenario: I’m in a restaurant waiting for my dinner to arrive.  From across the room I see a causal acquaintance approaching, another fellow in tow.  I pretend to be looking at my phone, but it’s no use.  “Hey, whatcha doin’?” he asks, and before I can answer: “This is my brother-in-law Lou”.  Lou shoves his grimy paw in my face.  “Hi ya”, he says, with a boozy smile.  My heart sinks.  It’s in these moments I am again reminded that the time has come to banish the handshake.

In a day and age when people are walking around wearing surgical masks with tiny bottles of hand sanitizer dangling from their wrists, how is it we continue to engage in this germ swapping practice which likely originated when the life expectancy was only in the late twenties?  I mean, what’s a few germs between friends when you’re probably going to succumb to botulism or an abscessed tooth or a wooly mammoth before the first thaw anyway?

No matter, it’s time to retire the handshake, and replace it with:

The fist bump

Pros: It’s relatively easy to do a half-hearted one, so that just the knuckles touch.  Cons: Women don’t much care for them.

Vulcan Salute

Pros: It’s really cool, and no contact.  Cons: Many people, myself included, just can’t make the fingers do that.

The air kiss

Pros: Again, no touching, except for the occasional cheek brush.  Cons: Being that close to another person, however momentarily, will insure you’re getting a whiff of something you probably don’t want to smell.

The Macarena

Pros: Good exercise.  Cons: Absolutely none!  It’s all upside!

Exchanging recipes

Pros: In the above situation I could have simply offered Lou my recipe for lemon baked tilapia and maybe picked up some fresh ideas for pork roast.  Cons: Requires a modicum of effort.

So, at this point I don’t care what we go with; just pick something.

Heeey Macarena!

 

Study Reveals Americans “Fed Up With This Crap”

Knoxville TN – A study released today by the University of Tennessee has confirmed that Americans from coast to coast are “up to their eyeballs with this nonsense” and “don’t know how much more they’re supposed to take”.

“It’s been bad before”, reported Hillsboro Beach, Florida boardwalk concessionaire Sid Bosworth, “but not like this.”  That sentiment was echoed by Racine, Wisconsin clothing store manager Shelia McDormand, who added, “It’s just a shame, a crying shame”, before briskly walking away, her head shaking contemptuously.

“If something doesn’t change soon, I don’t know what I’m going to do”, retired school teacher Lois Elderbridge of Mesa, Arizona offered soberly.  “I mean - Jesus, Mary and Joseph – when does it stop?”

The report went on to say that 46% of Americans are “about to blow a gasket over this”, and 39% have “a thing or two to say about the situation”.  A staggering 81% insisted “somebody needs to do something – like, right now”.

“I told them.  I told them this would happen”, an animated Lawrence “Bucky” Barber said, stepping into his eighteen-wheeler at a truck stop outside Salem, Oregon.  “But did they listen?”

University of Tennessee spokesperson Amber Kernan suggested the findings are not surprising.  “If one looks at the current situation from the perspective of the average person, one would have to surmise that this pretty much blows.”

In related news, sources reported that several residents of Warrensburg, Missouri would be “very interested in knowing” when the city is going to get around to fixing that “ding-dong pothole” at the intersection of Third and Addison, and at least one Goshen, New York resident wants to know where you can get a decent calzone at this hour.