The New Abnormal

In the wake of recent events – the Covid-19 pandemic, widespread social unrest, and an economy which has nose-dived – many have suggested that what we are experiencing is “the new normal”.  As one dictionary defines normal as “conforming to the standard or the common type”, wouldn’t the begged question have to be: What exactly is or isn’t standard and common?  There have been epidemics and pandemics throughout our history; there has been social unrest; our economy has ebbed and flowed with regard to unemployment, productivity, the stock market, etc. 

While there will undoubtedly be changes in our day to day lives going forward (hopefully we can finally do away with the handshake, a germ-sharing practice which originated in the 5th century B.C., and social distancing will become part of our culture to some degree), I wonder how “normal” our lives were before. When one looks at things like the buying power of the middle class (sometimes referred to as the “middle 20%”), which has stair-stepped down since the early 1980s, the undeniable fact is that the rich are getting richer and poor poorer. Over half a million Americans were homeless for at least a portion of 2019. Our government is wracked with corruption and ineptitude. Many of our customs and beliefs are steeped in ignorance and narrowmindedness. And this is normal? 

Whatever the “new normal” becomes, it is my sincere and fervent hope that it includes a generous portion of compassion, and empathy, and fairness, and integrity, and critical thinking. A desire to grasp that our journeys are not the same and our modes of transporting ourselves along this trek vary widely. The ability to connect on a deeper level, and understand that we are much more alike than different. 

The new normal: may it not be like the old.

Man Inexplicably Hoarding Wire Hangers

Racine, WI – Perched on a kitchen chair, a dizzying array of Gantt and fishbone charts taped to the wall behind him, 32 year old mortgage consultant Craig Degraw shared his vision of the future: a wire, or coat hanger shortage.



“It just makes sense”, he reported to local news correspondent Hillary Broadnax via Zoom. “First it was toilet paper and hand sanitizer, then masks, then meat. How long do you think it’ll be before Americans realize how valuable these babies are”, he continued, waving a gleaming example in front of his laptop camera.



“Just think of the ways you can use them. You can make flower pots and fruit baskets with them. Once unassembled, you can bind a person’s hands behind their back in case they break in to steal your Clorox wipes and potted meat. You can use them as skewers if you want to make sad little smores on your stovetop. You could use one to pop the lock out of someone’s door in case you want to break in and steal their gloves and beef jerky.”



“Yeah, that’s Craig”, reported Degraw’s sister Cyndi Fauxwiller when asked for comment, “he’s not taking this thing too well. He’s got, like, a few thousand stashed in his basement. Every time I talk to him he’s like, “how you doing on wire hangers there?” It’s sad. He’s a sad, sad man right now.”



Degraw continued to delineate his version of society’s descent into utter chaos. He surmised that stretch pants, multivitamins, and frozen burritos would be the next items to disappear from shelves, followed by doorbell cams, tube socks, and Pringles.



At press time Degraw was reportedly checking Amazon for the expected arrival date of his latest order of an additional six “fifty packs”.

Woman Wielding Lint Roller Like a Chainsaw

Gastonia, NC - With all the fervor and gusto she could conjure, local woman Belinda Wirtz frantically assaulted the sleeves of her yuletide sweater with a lint roller, its cylinder spinning at lightening speed as she approached her company Christmas dinner.



“It’s the material”, she sighed as she set about attacking her midriff like a burly lumberjack carving into a ponderosa pine.  “Every single speck of dust in the house just clings to it.” 



“And the dog hair”, she continued exasperated, “Toby has been shedding like there’s no tomorrow” she said, referring to her four-year-old Chow \ Pomeranian mix.  “It’s everywhere”.



After another cycle of running the adhesive implement up and down her pant legs, she huffed and steadied herself, murmuring something about having everything dry cleaned the next time.  “That’s the best I can do at this point”, she mouthed dejectedly, her voice permeated with resignation as she searched for any additional microscopic specks of foreign material before entering the banquet hall.



At press time Wirtz reportedly slipped the magical dust wand to her husband Walt and asked him to “get the shoulders one last time”.