After Disappointing Season, Daniel Snyder Fires Redskins Fans

Landover, MD - After finishing the season 4-12 and failing to make the playoffs for the eighth time in 11 attempts, Washington Redskin’s owner Dan Snyder has “cleaned house”, firing all of the team’s estimated 1,493,612 fans. Although many NFL analysts predicted the bloodbath weeks ago, the news came as a shock to some. “I knew I shouldn’t have missed that week eleven match-up with the Cowboys”, lamented Connie Abbot of Fairfax, Virginia. “Had I been there, maybe our kicker would have made one of those two missed field goals, and we’d have won”, she said, wiping away a tear. “Of course, it was an away game, and my daughter’s baby shower was that weekend, but still, a true fan makes the sacrifice.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do”, said Kyle Stafford, a life-long Redskins fan. “I mean, I know it’s my fault. I didn’t cheer myself hoarse at every game. And that one time, I forgot to bring my pig nose”. Then, shaking his head continued, “maybe I’ll become a fan of the Ravens or Steelers. If they’ll have me”, his voice trailing off to a whisper.

The mood was somber at O’Brians Pub down the street from FedEx Field, where several dozen recently fired fans gathered to take whatever solace they could from each other and a pint of Guinness. “Truly, it is a sad day for Redskins fans”, mused “Kitty” Travers, clutching her autographed John Riggins trading card. “What will become of us now?”

While some have suggested that the blame should lie with the coaching staff, the players themselves, or even Snyder’s mercurial nature, general manager Bruce Allen brushed off these opinions. “It’s the fans”, he said in a recent phone conversation. “They didn’t give one hundred percent. Sure, some of them had to take second jobs to pay for their season tickets, but if you can’t buck up and do whatever it takes to win, we can’t use you.”

Snyder could not be reached for comment.