New Facebook Likes

As I’m sure most of you have heard, the ubiquitous social networking site Facebook has made several “improvements” lately, the bulk of which have caused significant consternation and aggravation among its users.  Every now and then however, they’ll introduce something the users actually want.  Such was the case recently, as Facebook has – inexplicably – introduced new levels of “liking” something:

Classic like: I support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said.

Marginal like: I pretty much support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said, but I don’t feel like hashing out the finer points.

Lazy like: I pretty much support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said, but I didn’t read your entire post.  Or much of it at all.

Back-handed like: I “liked” your post because you said your life is stagnant drivel, or that you are pretty much a failure as a living, breathing organism.

Mindless like: I have no idea what you actually posted, but it got a bunch of likes already, so I’m going to like it too.

Obligatory like:  I have no idea what you actually posted, but I haven’t liked any of your posts lately, and I don’t want you to hate me.

Reciprocal like:  I have no idea what you actually posted, but you liked my last post, so I’m returning the favor.

Ulterior motive like: I have no idea what you actually posted, but your profile pic is cute and I want you to message me.

Most recent post like: I just logged on and there you were.

Guilt like: I haven’t “liked” anyone’s posts in months.

Belated like: Yes, I realize this thread has been dormant for three and a half weeks now.  I had stuff to do, ya know?

Every third post like: Ignore, ignore, like, ignore, ignore, like, etc.

 

Inadvertent like: Whoops! I meant to click the “comment” link.

Things That Really Bug Me: Volume Three

Theme Week on Facebook:
It’s wild animal week! Change your profile pic to an armadillo or something!

“Fun-sized” candy bars:
Since when is .125 ounces of anything “fun-sized“? A candy bar the size of my foot, now that’s fun-sized.

People Who Run the Waitress Ragged:
If you absolutely must have a glass of water (with lemon), a side of ranch dressing, a clean spoon (which you won‘t even use), extra napkins, the calorie count for the cheesy fries, a saucer, more ranch dressing, the dessert menu, a to-go box, and the cute bartender’s phone number, could you ask for more than one at a time?

Commercials at the Movies:
I just plunked down $10.75 for a ticket and they sneak in three minutes of Coke, Audi, and Century 21 ads.

Terms of Service:
Those are the things you click on the little box to say you’ve read and understand, except you didn’t and don’t.

“Obama wants you to” ads:
Apparently our president, on top of everything else he has to do, has found time to urge me to re-finance my mortgage, go back to school, and picket Tea Party meetings.

Bing:
Want me to use your search engine? Stop shoving it down my throat.

Mismatched socks:
And now you can buy them already mismatched. Let that sink in a few seconds.

Game Requests on Facebook:
No thanks, I really don’t care to play Citytownfarmfrontiersvillelandworld.

Jewelry Ads:
“You know you’re going to buy her that shiny, over-priced rock set in that shiny, over-priced piece of metal”, a husky, male voice intones, “because you don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if her girlfriend gets one and she doesn’t”.

People Who Park in the Fire Lane:
They always slink down in the seat. Like no one is going to notice that car juxtaposed over those diagonal yellow lines.

Asking a “Yes or No” Question and Getting a Seven-Minute Treatise in Response:
Can I get this in steel blue? Were you in the middle of something? Did I really run over your foot? Yes. Or. No.

25 Things You Absolutely Don't Need To Know About Me

As I'm sure all of you have heard by now, the latest Facebook flavor-of-the-week rage is a viral, chain-letter type list that members post of 25 random things about themselves. Which tells me two things: One, these people have way too much time on their hands, and two, as of last Thursday an estimated 5 million people have demonstrated that they sure do love themselves some themselves. I mean, seriously, can you think of 25 things about yourself that anyone other than your closest family and friends would give two hoots about? Unless you were a famous movie star, or the president of France or something? But, the thing that really grates my grits is that I haven't been "tagged" yet. And - I'm not about to sit around and wait for it to happen. So, without further ado, here are 25 things you absolutely don't need to know about me:

25. I have a subscription to the "Mayonnaise of the Month Club".
24. I like to go to Civil War re-enactments. Whenever there's a lull in the action I jump out from behind a tree and yell "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta KISS me".
23. I cried during Titanic. The opening credits.
22. Growing up, I would never eat Girl Scout cookies because I thought they had actual Girl Scouts in them.
21. I have a third nipple under my left arm. No wait, it's just a zit.
20. My 8th favorite Chinese food is Moo Goo Gui Pan.
19. Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm an undercover CIA agent, code-named Chainsaw. I go to the mall and furtively "tail" people at random until accosted by mall security.
18. I have a pair of silky black speedo-like underwear with a red devil on the front, which says "You devil!"
17. I couldn't pronounce Massachusetts until I was 11.
16. I still can't pronounce aluminuminuminum.
15. I can sometimes pick up AM radio stations with a filling in a molar.
14. I put ketchup on pancakes.
13. My head is 7% larger than it needs to be.
12. I run over squirrels with my car every chance I get.
11. I never cared who shot J.R. The bastard deserved it.
10. I sometimes gaze up at all the stars in the sky and wonder if NASA is just screwing with us.
9. I once owned a mutt named Peabody.
8. I like to do Jager shots from a squirt gun.
7. I collect 18th century Spanish coins. So far I have one.
6. I put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp, but I didn't put the ding in the rama-lama ding-dong.
5. As of this moment, I have $11.58 in my pocket.
4. Once, I laughed so hard that beer came out of my nose.
3. I was once denied entry to a ritzy, beachfront bar in Boca Raton, Florida.
2. I just don't get this new math.

And the number one thing you absolutely don't need to know about me:

1. I pee sitting down.