Business Buzzword Translator

Although not as pervasive as in years past, business buzzwords are still with us. I want to believe that there has been a leveling-off of the practice because people are starting to actually think about what they say before they say it, but that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. Be that as it may, for the uninitiated, here is a list of business buzzwords and their alleged and actual meanings:

Action (as a verb): Supposedly means: To do something with, as in a problem or issue that must be dealt with. Actually means: Absolutely nothing. The word action is a noun.

Action items: Supposedly means: A list of things which must be done or dealt with. Actually means: A list of things which one will get a third of the way through before the business focus changes, and the list is forgotten.

Bandwidth: Supposedly means: The amount of work a person or group can accomplish. Actually means: A convenient excuse to not have time to help you.

Best practice: Supposedly means: A technique, method, or process which can be utilized across a range of applications and organizations. Actually means: This is how they do it over in Accounting, and no one’s been fired yet.

Big picture: Supposedly means: A comprehensive perspective of a situation or issue. Actually means: What we’ve been doing isn’t working, so everyone take one giant step backwards.

Core competencies: Supposedly means: Things that are critical to the way a specific business works. Actually means: One or two things a business can say unequivocally they know how to do.

Customer-centric or customer-focused: Supposedly means: To conduct business in such a manner that the customer’s needs and desires are always in the forefront. Actually means: Knocking 15% off the top to get the sale.

Drill down: Supposedly means: To investigate, or analyze the specifics of an issue. Actually means: To dwell on one item because it’s the only one you even slightly comprehend.

Globalization: Supposedly means: An integration of multi-national economies. Actually means: Your job is going eleven time zones away.

Leverage: Supposedly means: To take advantage of a resource without fully financing that resource. Actually means: To take advantage of a resource so you can blame that resource when the project ultimately fails.

Mission-critical: Supposedly means: A component of a project or organization which is crucial to its success. Actually means: It’s behind schedule and the boss is fuming.

Onboarding: Supposedly means: The process of acquiring, accommodating, assimilating and accelerating new team members. Actually means: Hiring people.

Outside the box: Supposedly means: To think or behave in a non-conventional manner. Actually means: To pretend to think or behave in a non-conventional manner.

Ownership: Supposedly means: To take responsibility for a thing or process. Actually means: The last person to touch it gets the blame.

Results-driven: Supposedly means: A style of working which focuses more on results than the actual work. Actually means: If it doesn’t blow up in our face, we’ll continue to do it that way.

Robust: Supposedly means: Strong; able to withstand and overcome difficulties. Actually means: It’s the boss’ pet project, so we had to invest twice the resources required.

Synergy: Supposedly means: A dynamic state in which combined action is favored over the sum of individual component actions. Actually means: It’s harder to blame any specific person if a group is responsible for it.

Value-added: Supposedly means: The value which is added to a product by a manufacturer or distributor. Actually means: Cost added.

Soup from a Nail Revisited

My fifth grade teacher told our class the tale of a man who during the Middle Ages would travel from village to hamlet claiming to be able to make soup from a nail.  The townsfolk would gather around a caldron, presumably in the town square, which they’d fill with water and build a fire underneath.  All would draw near as the stranger produced a nail from his vest pocket, muttering some incantation before dropping the nail in.  He’d stir the “soup” with a ladle and proclaim, “Yes it’s coming along nicely.  If only we had some cabbage to flavor it.”  One of the locals would scurry off to fetch an oxcart of cabbage; the scene would be repeated with turnips, or beets, or whatever they ate in those days.  The man would then divert everyone’s attention long enough to slip the nail out of the caldron, again mutter some magic words, and – voilà: soup from a nail.

The moral of course is that he did not in fact make soup from a nail; he made soup in spite of the nail, which was a simple prop to divert attention.

As much as we may like to think we’re too clever to fall for some ruse that obvious, we are often too quick to draw a line from cause to effect.  A forklift operator takes a corner too sharply and damages some shelving.  He was listening to loud rock music through his ear buds, so that must be what caused the accident.  But, he was also wearing a blue shirt at the time, so maybe blue shirts cause accidents.  He had a cheese Danish for breakfast that morning.  Could the cheese Danish be the culprit?

We are bombarded with these messages in advertising.  A man drives this or that brand of car and he gets the girl; a woman’s adoring family smiles approvingly because she gets their clothes cleaner with this or that laundry detergent; a wife gazes at her husband adoringly as they walk hand-in-hand because he asked his doctor about this or that prescription drug.  You want to be like these people?  You buy the product.

In this election year, there will be a veritable blitzkrieg of recycled “soup from a nail” arguments.  There were more jobs when this party was in office, therefore they created jobs.  The deficit was smaller when the other was in charge, therefore they must be more financially responsible.  Another candidate was able to obtain “bi-partisan support” for his referendum, therefore he can get people to work together.  They will pounce on every “hot button” issue with this convoluted logic.  As I’ve stated repeatedly: it’s all smoke and mirrors, it’s sleight of hand, it’s confounding.

It’s soup from a nail.

(P.S. The forklift operator crashed because he’d been up half the night playing Fallout 4 and binging on energy drinks.)

Halloween Costumes to Avoid

So Halloween is just around the corner and you know you’re going to “dress up”, because well, that’s what people do. And, well, you’re going to do it too. Fine. Just, please - for the love of whatever it is you hold sacred - do not wear any of the following:

10. Harry Potter. Always reminded me of that one nerdy kid that was into the chess club and Big Bang Theory and all that other “it’s so uncool, it’s cool“ crap. Newflash: It’s still uncool.

9. Any costume that’s sole purpose is to show more skin. Just go in your underwear; tell everyone you’re Madonna.

8. Vampire - Witch - Werewolf. They’re really all the same costume; mythical, evil persona that used to inspire fear and now only inspires boredom. Yawn.

 7. Any political figure. Hey look, I’m Obama, or Richard Nixon, or Sarah Bachmann. Real funny.

6. Couple costumes. À la electrical plug and socket, cop and prisoner, etc. We know you’re a couple, and - you look ridiculous.

5. Mummy. The ultimate lazy person’s costume. Take an old sheet, rip it up into strips and enshroud yourself in it. Real creative.

4. Any uniform. Little league umpire, scrub nurse, crossing guard. We’ve known for years you moonlight, so technically it’s not a costume, is it?

3. That really expensive costume you ordered from lastminutecostumes.com because it seemed like a good idea at the time and you paid $89.95 plus another $20 for overnight shipping and now just makes you look like a total tool.

2. Justin Bieber \ Selena Gomez. You’re 37; get over it.

1. Any Star Wars character. How George Lucas isn’t richer than God by now is beyond me. It was kitschy, cartoonish, pseudo-sci-fi, and the American public lapped it up like pampered house cats sucking down sardine flavored Cool Whip. I once saw a guy actually dressed as Jabba the Hutt. It took two buddies to carry the tail. Way to travel light there, Einstein.

So, if you must “dress up” for Halloween, please select an outfit that’s not a total cliché that’s already been done 20 bazillion times, or one that screams “I found something that’s really unique and I know that because it’s the top seller”. It’s one night, and no one will remember come November 1^st.

Boo!

Top 10 Bad Horror Movie Clichés

As a kid I loved watching horror movies. I also loved The Monkees and Cap’n Crunch cereal, so it‘s not like I was incredibly discriminating. Nowadays I just can’t enjoy horror movies, mostly because I’m too busy playing horror movie cliché bingo to actually enjoy the “plot“ {snicker}. But apparently predictability sells, so who am I to argue?

Nonetheless, I’ve complied a list of the most prolific horror movie clichés for your perusal. And, I’ve abbreviated the terms intended victim (IV) and bad guy (BG) because studies have shown that most people won’t read articles over 400 words long:

10. It’s always a full moon, so you can still see the terror in the IV’s eyes after the BG cuts the power.

9. The ditzy, reckless, buffoon is always the first to get sliced and diced.

8. The IV always inexplicably runs away from a safe, well-lit location into the woods, or cemetery or abandoned factory.

7. Ominous music always swells just before the BG strikes - except for that one time - just to tease you.

6. There’s always at least one camera sequence from the BG’s eye-view, typically rising slowly into a window or from the rafters of the abandoned factory.

5. The IV always screams out, “Why don’t you leave us alone!”, a rhetorical question if ever there was one.

4. The local law enforcement figure - usually a deputy or sheriff - is always wearing a jacket, even if it’s mid-August.

3. The IV always loses cell phone service just as the BG is about to strike - even if they’re in midtown Manhattan.

2. Movie always ends with some omen that the BG will return - even if he was shot, burned to a crisp, stuffed into a wood chipper, and impaled with the bumper from a ‘63 Chevy Impala.

And the number one horror movie cliché:

1. If Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it, you’re guaranteed cleavage.