Company Phasing Out Raises in Lieu of Tawdry Motivational Trinkets

Riverside, CA – Allegiant Holdings CEO Maxwell Gustafsen announced today that the company is eschewing raises, bonuses, and other monetary compensation in favor of “personalized motivational awards” which, he states, would “resonate” with the employees on a deeper level.

“Driven by ever increasing competition and mounting operational expenses, we feel that these measures are imperative to remaining solvent and viable”, Gustafsen stated in a message on the company’s intranet.

“Oh, look”, Account Professional Lydia Gleeson stated sarcastically pointing to a mouse pad bearing the inscription: “You Rock!” in glitter.  “It’s my four year anniversary, and this is what I get.  Last year it was a paltry two percent raise, but still”.

“There goes my gym membership I guess”, she said, shaking her head.

Other awards included a coffee mug bearing the epigrammatic dictum “You’re the cream of the company!” and an embroidered key-shaped desk sign with the kitschy adage “Our employees are the key to our success!”

“Eleven years”, lamented Senior Account Manager Bill Ogden, “and they have the nerve to give me a tee shirt with the company logo and my name in stenciled block letters.  That’s it.  Eleven years.”

“It’s not even my size.”

Gustafsen was unavailable for comment at press time, as he and his pithy but voluptuous “personal assistant” Cassandra Milagro were headed to the airport where his private jet waited to whisk them to a “business meeting” in Cabo San Lucas.

Business Buzzword Translator

Although not as pervasive as in years past, business buzzwords are still with us. I want to believe that there has been a leveling-off of the practice because people are starting to actually think about what they say before they say it, but that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. Be that as it may, for the uninitiated, here is a list of business buzzwords and their alleged and actual meanings:

Action (as a verb): Supposedly means: To do something with, as in a problem or issue that must be dealt with. Actually means: Absolutely nothing. The word action is a noun.

Action items: Supposedly means: A list of things which must be done or dealt with. Actually means: A list of things which one will get a third of the way through before the business focus changes, and the list is forgotten.

Bandwidth: Supposedly means: The amount of work a person or group can accomplish. Actually means: A convenient excuse to not have time to help you.

Best practice: Supposedly means: A technique, method, or process which can be utilized across a range of applications and organizations. Actually means: This is how they do it over in Accounting, and no one’s been fired yet.

Big picture: Supposedly means: A comprehensive perspective of a situation or issue. Actually means: What we’ve been doing isn’t working, so everyone take one giant step backwards.

Core competencies: Supposedly means: Things that are critical to the way a specific business works. Actually means: One or two things a business can say unequivocally they know how to do.

Customer-centric or customer-focused: Supposedly means: To conduct business in such a manner that the customer’s needs and desires are always in the forefront. Actually means: Knocking 15% off the top to get the sale.

Drill down: Supposedly means: To investigate, or analyze the specifics of an issue. Actually means: To dwell on one item because it’s the only one you even slightly comprehend.

Globalization: Supposedly means: An integration of multi-national economies. Actually means: Your job is going eleven time zones away.

Leverage: Supposedly means: To take advantage of a resource without fully financing that resource. Actually means: To take advantage of a resource so you can blame that resource when the project ultimately fails.

Mission-critical: Supposedly means: A component of a project or organization which is crucial to its success. Actually means: It’s behind schedule and the boss is fuming.

Onboarding: Supposedly means: The process of acquiring, accommodating, assimilating and accelerating new team members. Actually means: Hiring people.

Outside the box: Supposedly means: To think or behave in a non-conventional manner. Actually means: To pretend to think or behave in a non-conventional manner.

Ownership: Supposedly means: To take responsibility for a thing or process. Actually means: The last person to touch it gets the blame.

Results-driven: Supposedly means: A style of working which focuses more on results than the actual work. Actually means: If it doesn’t blow up in our face, we’ll continue to do it that way.

Robust: Supposedly means: Strong; able to withstand and overcome difficulties. Actually means: It’s the boss’ pet project, so we had to invest twice the resources required.

Synergy: Supposedly means: A dynamic state in which combined action is favored over the sum of individual component actions. Actually means: It’s harder to blame any specific person if a group is responsible for it.

Value-added: Supposedly means: The value which is added to a product by a manufacturer or distributor. Actually means: Cost added.

Co-worker Brings Spinach Dip Again

Silver Spring MD – Employees of the Law Offices of Mudder, Wainwight and Washburn reported today that 26 year old unmarried and childless paralegal Tiffini Baskins has – for the third consecutive year – had the gall to bring deli spinach dip to the annual company holiday luncheon.

“I can’t believe it”, reported receptionist Carole Grossman, who was up at 5 am making from scratch and baking a chocolate and pecan chess pie.  “She just stands there hovering over it, like it’s a just hatched eaglet or something until someone has some”.

 “And she gets really moody if you don’t tell her it’s like the greatest you ever had”, added admin assistant Valerie Rush.  “I mean, she got it at Super Fresh”.

“Look, she didn’t even take the price tag off this year.”

Flanked by a box of multi-grain crackers and a bag of corn tortilla chips, the sad, afterthought of a dish appeared almost flippant among an array of delicacies including green bean casserole with brie and almonds, cheddar and bacon potato salad, and deviled eggs with paprika and garlic.

“I agonized for weeks on what to make, before deciding on the sausage balls with onion and Worchester sauce”, lamented account manager Heather Crittenden, “then Little Miss Size Six prances in here like royalty with something she scooped up from a grocery store deli on her way in this morning.” 

At press time, senior partner Harv Wainwright, married with four children and twelve years Baskins’ senior was complimenting her on her “thoughtful, heart-friendly” selection.

Customer Disservice

Standing in line at a fast food restaurant, I noticed the lad behind the counter was struggling to enter the order of a couple in front of me.  It wasn’t even that difficult an order, but the young man kept pecking at his console with an expression of total bewilderment.  At one point I reckoned it would’ve taken fewer keystrokes to spin up and launch a missile from a Trident submarine than to place an order for a couple of burgers, one with extra pickles, hold the mayo.
                                    
Anyone who’s ever tried to navigate the IVR (interactive voice response) system for a customer service line knows the frustration all too well.  You can almost hear faint echoes of laughter in the background from the manager that signed off on this nightmarish carousel-from-hell ear torture which typically after several minutes culminates with a: “Sorry, you’ve entered an invalid selection.  Goodbye”.

Admittedly, you don’t have to look very far to find customer service people who are apathetic, incompetent, and slothful, but the real problem here is often a lack of training, tools, and motivation for those who serve us.  Companies like to talk about their “world class” or “award winning” customer service, but this is often merely corporate-speak.  When your average business is looking to cut costs – and they’re always looking to cut costs – service is where they look first.  The sales staff and middle to upper management are generally richly compensated, while service takes a back seat; underpaid, understaffed, and underfunded.  And it’s typically the lowly phone grunt or order taker that feels the sting of the customer’s frustration when a popular item has been out of stock for weeks, or the repairman didn’t show up when promised, or it’s “company policy” that you can’t substitute one side item for another which costs the same amount.

For the estimated nine in ten Americans earning (or eking out) a living in customer service, the pain of enduring a beat-down for the short-comings of corporate skimping is both real and undeserved. And you just have to smile and take it.

But – when you hit the clock at the end of your shift, you magically transform into a consumer. You’re the customer now.  And the best way to have an impact is to demand the level of service the business claims to offer.  And the best way to do that is to understand the person standing in front of you or on the other end of the phone is not only not the problem, but also powerless to change anything.  Go to the company’s web-site and make your voice heard.  Be specific about the problem.  Don’t hold back.  Offer suggestions, like: “Took forever to pull up my account.  Upgrade software much?” Or: “Couldn’t hear me at the drive-thru.  Same speaker from when you opened in 1989?”  You’re the customer.  Vote with your wallet, and let them know if they want your business they’ll take you seriously and make those pretty words mean something.

Holiday Survival Guide For the Workplace

Well, “the holidays” are here again, and if you’re like most people, there are holiday traditions which you will revel in, tolerate, endure, or suffer through at your workplace. I have therefore put together a survival guide to help you deal with all the shenanigans.

Don’t be “that guy” at the office holiday party
There was a time when it was absolutely acceptable to get completely sloshed, dance on the buffet table with a lampshade on your head, and tell the boss off at the office holiday party. Those days are gone. Believe me, everything you do and say at the party will be scrutinized by your higher-ups. And, you don’t get a free pass just because they get more plastered than you. They’re the boss, and you’re not. It’s okay to have a good time and socialize, but you don’t want to hear a symphony of hushed whispers follow you down the hall on the Monday after the party, nor do you want that photo of you doing the “YMCA” with your flashing Rudolph tie wrapped around your head looking like Bret Michaels after an all-nighter to become the most popular screen saver ever.

Put a little thought into your “Secret Santa” gift
Yes, I know, it’s a $10 limit or whatever, but if you take a few minutes to think about it, you can select a nice, practical gift. In my opinion, gift cards are perfectly acceptable as long as they’re something most everyone could use, since some Secret Santa gifts will be selected sight unseen. And, I seriously doubt that Frank (who’s approaching 60) really wants a gift card to the local tanning salon.

Avoid giving “kiss-up” gifts
Secret Santa notwithstanding, you should avoid giving gifts to your superiors unless 1. It’s an accepted practice at your workplace, 2. You give as part of his team, and 3. It’s a tasteful gift. You can kick in on that glass sculpture for his desk, but do not also give him or her anything which is even moderately expensive, or personal. Believe me, if your boss’ wife finds out you gave him that $75 bottle of after shave (or worse, vodka), things will go badly for you.

Show some restraint with the goodies
People will typically bring in homemade cookies, or banana bread, or mint chocolate bark. Before you dive in mouth first, do the math. If there are 24 of a given item, and 12 people in the office, you get two, not six.

Don’t forget why you’re at work
The holidays are not an excuse to take the whole month of December “off”. If you have the vacation time, then take it. Otherwise, there’s work to be done, and you can be assured your co-workers are not interested in taking up the slack while you decorate your cube with candy canes and paper cutout snowmen.

The holidays are not a happy time for everyone
Unfortunately, some people have experienced personal tragedies around the holiday season, and for them this time of year is not all about sleigh bells and eggnog. So, don’t try to cheer them up. If they want to share their story with you, they will.

On the other hand, some people get absolutely giddy over the holidays
And, they get annoyed when you don’t become absolutely giddy too. But, you have to work with them. The phrase suffer fools gladly comes to mind.

Don’t play Christmas music so loud everyone in the office can hear it.
If they want to hear Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, they’ll bring in their own CD. Or, better yet, they’ll listen to it in the car on the way to work.

You don’t have to wear a “holiday” sweater every day
Really. The last day of work before whatever holiday you observe will do.

When it’s all over, it’ll be January
I’ve always hated January. The holidays are over, and all you have to look forward to is about three months of cold weather. And, you’ve still got five months until Memorial Day. But, all things must end, and the holidays are no exception. So steel yourself in advance so you don‘t come dragging in to work on January 2nd wailing and blubbering and making everyone else miserable. Look on the bright side: It’ll be at least another ten and a half months before you have to hear Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer again.