Soup from a Nail Revisited

My fifth grade teacher told our class the tale of a man who during the Middle Ages would travel from village to hamlet claiming to be able to make soup from a nail.  The townsfolk would gather around a caldron, presumably in the town square, which they’d fill with water and build a fire underneath.  All would draw near as the stranger produced a nail from his vest pocket, muttering some incantation before dropping the nail in.  He’d stir the “soup” with a ladle and proclaim, “Yes it’s coming along nicely.  If only we had some cabbage to flavor it.”  One of the locals would scurry off to fetch an oxcart of cabbage; the scene would be repeated with turnips, or beets, or whatever they ate in those days.  The man would then divert everyone’s attention long enough to slip the nail out of the caldron, again mutter some magic words, and – voilà: soup from a nail.

The moral of course is that he did not in fact make soup from a nail; he made soup in spite of the nail, which was a simple prop to divert attention.

As much as we may like to think we’re too clever to fall for some ruse that obvious, we are often too quick to draw a line from cause to effect.  A forklift operator takes a corner too sharply and damages some shelving.  He was listening to loud rock music through his ear buds, so that must be what caused the accident.  But, he was also wearing a blue shirt at the time, so maybe blue shirts cause accidents.  He had a cheese Danish for breakfast that morning.  Could the cheese Danish be the culprit?

We are bombarded with these messages in advertising.  A man drives this or that brand of car and he gets the girl; a woman’s adoring family smiles approvingly because she gets their clothes cleaner with this or that laundry detergent; a wife gazes at her husband adoringly as they walk hand-in-hand because he asked his doctor about this or that prescription drug.  You want to be like these people?  You buy the product.

In this election year, there will be a veritable blitzkrieg of recycled “soup from a nail” arguments.  There were more jobs when this party was in office, therefore they created jobs.  The deficit was smaller when the other was in charge, therefore they must be more financially responsible.  Another candidate was able to obtain “bi-partisan support” for his referendum, therefore he can get people to work together.  They will pounce on every “hot button” issue with this convoluted logic.  As I’ve stated repeatedly: it’s all smoke and mirrors, it’s sleight of hand, it’s confounding.

It’s soup from a nail.

(P.S. The forklift operator crashed because he’d been up half the night playing Fallout 4 and binging on energy drinks.)

Spam Volume Down; Unresponsive Recipients to Blame

A number of sources, from Time.com to NerdNewz are reporting that “spam”, or unsolicited e-mail traffic, has dropped to an alarming low, and that apathetic recipients are to blame.

“Believe it or not, it costs money to e-mail this crap to you”, reported a man who would only provide his screen name sLiThEr909 from an undisclosed location. “You think we just crank this stuff out from a notebook in our apartment? It takes hardware. Routers. Integrated servers. We got overhead.”

“Now that I think about it, I haven’t gotten a refi offer, or on-line dating solicitation e-mail in weeks”, reported Lucy Howard, from an internet cafe in Evansville, Illinois. “And only a handful of credit counseling and fat-burning pill offers.”

“I thought I’d finally gotten my spam filter dialed in”, Fort Worth high school basketball coach and biology teacher Phil Blount commented. “But they’re just sending less?”

“How about that”, he added, before walking away, almost forlornly.

“Every entrepreneur, even slime bags such as these, look at the bottom line”, said Brian Richardson, CEO of SpamNoMore, a spam-blocking software producer. “If people aren’t clicking on their e-mail offers, they’ll look for other ways to annoy the hell out of you.” Mr. Richardson then produced his phone, displaying ads for penny auctions and colon-cleansing remedies.

“But, you still need this spam-blocker software”, he quickly added, stuffing the phone back into his pocket. “Spam-Away II releases later this month, only $29.95.”

“Look, we know things are tough all over”, sLiThEr909 continued. “But don’t even try to tell me you don’t have a few bucks lying around for some fake Viagra or bogus work-from-home scam.”

“I’ve seen what you people drop on Yankees bling and Taylor Swift CDs.”

Free Balloons for the Kiddies!

Grand Opening Celebration! Never before heard of values! Come early for the best bargains! Pony rides! Meet the morning crew from EZ Rock 95.7! Door prizes galore! No reasonable offer refused! Hamster races! No interest for a full year with approved credit! The Squigleys perform their kid-friendly show at noon! No credit? - no problem! Face painting and balloon animals! Let Melvin the Magnificent guess your weight and shoe size! We will not be undersold! Three blocks west of Darnell’s Radiator Repair! Former ‘DWTS’ hair-stylist Logan Bottswirmer demonstrates the French Twist! Have your photo taken with life-sized Dale Earnhardt Jr. cut-out! Bean-bag Toss competition for all age groups! Visit the Cyber Petting Zoo! Try your luck on the Wheel of Cheese! No salesman will visit! Slappy the Wonder Frog will perform from 2:00 until 4:00! Free oven mitt to first 100 visitors! On Route 33, one half mile from Pine Cone Road! Miss Apple Festival 2006 will autograph copies of her book, “I Swear I Thought Africa Was a Country”! Caricature’s by Cleo! We match all competitors prices! Across from The Skate Barn! Tarot card readings! Three - count em’ - three Elvis impersonators! The boss sez “sell ‘em”! Overpaid CEO Dunk Tank! 99 cent hot dogs! Rain or shine! Bikini car wash by the Juggies Girls! Tap your feet to the banjo stylings of Red “Curly” Butterworth! Pizza on a stick! No rain checks. Three quarters of a mile south of Eakin’s Army Surplus! Safe-Kidz Sara’s Sock Puppet Review at 1:30! Hablamos Espanol! Shake hands with Lee Rudd (former roadie and bus driver for the Oak Ridge Boys)! Half-off coupons from The Fudge Hut! Prices too low to mention! Extra security on premises! Yoga demonstrations by Mystee of Cloud Nine Yoga! J93 Tee-shirt Bazooka Brigade “Blast Away” every half-hour on the hour! 90 days, same as cash! Don’t miss it!

This Blog For Rent

Face it - just about everyone has been affected by the recession (except maybe liquor distilleries and Las Vegas call girls). New Mothers are selling their breast milk on the internet, retirees are making birdhouses in their garages and selling them at flea markets, and unemployed investment bankers are doing double duty working the drive-through at Burgeriffic and preparing tax forms for five bucks a throw. Well, I'm not immune to the "economic downturn" either, so I've been forced to resort to drastic measures. That's right - starting immediately, I will be selling ad space on my blogs.

I know what you're thinking. I can hear the catcalls and venomous cries of "sell out". Well, it's not like that. First and foremost, I'm not selling space to just anybody. I mean, it goes without saying you'll never see an ad for one of those trashy "hook-up" outfits posing as a dating service. And, you can rest assured I won't be doing business with those so-called "payday lenders", and you can absolutely rule out-

Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Tired of the cramping, constipation, and diarrhea? That uncomfortable bloated sensation, and the difficulty in going regularly? Well, no more! Now there's Colo-Purge!!! A tasty powder available in orange, raspberry, and mint flavors, when mixed with water, Colo-Purge will blow your IBS symptoms away in seconds! Don't suffer with that gassy, backed-up feeling when you can Colo-Purge it!!!

-those ambulance-chasing personal injury lawyers. I mean, how do those guys sleep anyway? Lots of Xanax, I'm thinking. You know, I'm going to stick with honest, legitimate businesses. I'd like to pull in some local ads, you know, like maybe a dog grooming service, or some of the more established businesses. I mean, I do still have my integrity. And, how would it look if you were to open my blog and see an ad for-

Do you have $5,000, $10,000, or even $25,000 in credit card debt? Tired of the harassing phone calls, the overdue notices, and the dreaded feeling you're just never going to get out from under that growing mountain of debt? Well, you don't have to take it anymore! Call Ben Dover Credit Counseling Service today! We'll work with your creditors to reduce your monthly payments, stop the collection calls and the wage garnishments! Don't delay - call Ben Dover today!!!

-some shady, fly-by-night snake-oil peddling cretin trying to separate you from your hard-earned cash? It would look bad for me, that's how. And I'm simply not going to stoop to that. No sir!

When you think about it - there's nothing wrong with advertising. I mean, how else are you going to know about the various products and services available if no one advertises? And, I don't have to tell you, ads are everywhere these days. We're bombarded with them! Just the other day I passed a guy on the street wearing a baseball cap with a "Your Ad Here" placard taped over the Braves logo. And you know what? His rates were very reasonable. So, if anyone knows of a business looking for some affordable ad space, have them ping me. But, please - don't send me just anybody. Like I said - I do have my standards, and I'm not going to lower them just to make a quick buck. The good news is that I've already gotten a couple of nibbles. I'm negotiating with that guy running the fruit stand down by the railroad tracks, and a nice elderly lady that has-

Dry, itchy skin? Embarrassed by those rough, scaley patches? Fed up with over-the-counter skin care products that just don't work? Then you need Baby Seal Oil Skin Care Products! Thanks to the efforts of environmentalists and those pesky, bleeding-heart, do-gooder protesters, baby seals are no longer an endangered species. Our scientists and lab technicians have learned the secret of extracting just the right amount of baby seal oil for our full line of skin care products. So, do your skin a favor and get it Baby Seal Oil Skin Care Products. Remember - they're not endangered anymore!

-converted a spare bedroom into a craft shop, where she makes little ceramic figurines and butter dish cozies and such. I know there's really not much of a market for those things these days, but hey - allow an old woman her dreams, huh? I see the so-called "cottage industry" making a comeback soon! And we should all make a point to try and keep the money here at home, instead of sending it to some-

College Girls Gone Nutz!!! You've NEVER seen young, nubile nymphets like this! We've combed the hottest beaches for Spring Break and captured the most outlandish moments on video - just for you! See college girls really getting loose and letting it all hang out! You'll see the most outrageous behavior ever! Guaranteed to steam up your screen! Call 888-CGG-NUTZ! That's 888-CGG-NUTZ!! Call NOW!!!

-overseas conglomerate. In the long run, it'll benefit us all.

Well, I guess that's it. Just do me a favor and keep your eyes and ears open for anyone looking for a real deal on advertising.

Oh, and one more thing. Have you taken a good hard look at your wireless bill lately?

Read This Blog or a Kitten Dies

The other day, I accidently saw a TV commercial. I say accidently because I almost always change the channel (or at least mute the sound) when a TV commercial comes on, but this one slipped through the net somehow. Anyway, this particular commercial started out informing me - the intended consumer - about some disease I'd never heard of which affects this or that percent of people in some country I'd never heard of. But - hope abounds - because the company pitching this particular product went on to inform me that they would donate this or that percentage from the sales of this particular product for research to find a cure for this disease, the name of which somehow escaped me. The unmistakable message here: Buy our product or someone will die.

It reminded me of another TV commercial for life insurance which was in "heavy rotation" a few months back. The spokesman for this commercial wanted to talk about a man we'll call Fred, and about how Fred just knew he should buy life insurance; he just knew it. Like a caterpillar knows to become a butterfly, like a man with rheumatoid arthritis knows when it's going to rain, like Tiger Woods knows to lay up short when facing a crosswind into a sloping green protected by bunkers on three sides. But sadly, Fred never bought life insurance. And now he's dead. Dead like Sheboygan, Wisconsin at midnight, like the Susan B. Anthony dollar, like the WNBA. Stone cold, in-the-ground dead. Stupid, irresponsible Fred. His poor widow is probably living in a refrigerator box down by the interstate and rummaging through Walmart dumpsters for food and end-of-season clothing. Dumb, dumb Fred. Don't be like Fred. Buy life insurance. Buy lots and lots of life insurance. Now. Before it's too late.

Among the more annoying TV commercials are the ones which attempt to appeal to me - the intended consumer - in a folksy, we're-all-the-same manner. Like the restaurant chain which implies that once you cross their threshold, you somehow, magically become related by blood to them. Well, I went down there once, and not one of them recognized me. Furthermore, none of them remembered the Christmas that uncle Edgar got drunk and knocked the tree over and threw up in the green bean casserole, or the time cousin Daryl had to go to reform school for doing that thing with the cow. They were certainly not my family. And - the breadsticks were greasy.

But, with the economy so far down the toilet even a pipe snake can't get to it, many companies are resorting to fear tactics to sell their products. Don't get me wrong - they're not coming right out and saying you'll contract some mysterious illness which causes your skin to turn green and fall off in brick-sized chunks if you don't use their moisturizer, but why take chances? They understand how frustrated you are that you've lost 75% of your retirement nest egg, but won't you feel like a total doofus if the stock market does claw itself out of the grave and make a come-back? And you having dumped all your money into Euros and male enhancement products. Stupid, stupid investor. Dumb, dumb consumer.

In related news, The Cash You Could Be Saving With That Unnamed Auto Insurance Company was mugged at a bus stop in San Luis Obispo, California earlier today. Said one witness: "I knew it was going to happen. You can't walk around flashing green like that long before somebody gonna knock you in your head".

Finally, can you say with absolute certainty that you do have enough life insurance?