America the Distracted

Okay, so I was thinking, there’s this… wait, that’s my phone.  Okay, my team’s up two nothing in the first, good.  But anyway, I was- the door.  Who’s at the door?  Oh no, it’s the Lawn Rangers again.  How many times do you have to shout obscenities in Mandarin out the window before they get the message?  I’ll just duck in here until they’re… Dang, my phone again.  Oh, it’s just a video of a Panda playing a banjo.

Where was I?

Here’s the thing: Is it just me, or have we lost like 75% of our attention span?  I mean, you can’t even have a conversation without the other person donning that faraway gaze two minutes in.  My last attempt went something like this:

Me:  Hey, what’s up?

Them:  Nuthin.

Me:  Nothing huh?

Them:  Yep.

Me:  Really? Nothing at all?

Them:  Have you seen that video of that Panda playing a banjo?

I can’t remember the last time I saw anyone focus on anything for more than a few minutes, unless it was binge-watching the latest flavor-of-the-week Netflix release, or immersed in some video game.  Engage in conversation? Pooh-pooh the thought.  Having a barbeque?  Better collect the phones at the door.  Trying to organize a neighborhood clean-up day at the local park?  Good luck with that.  Unless there’s Wi-Fi.

No, we have – through conditioning, apathy, or some combination of the two – pretty much lost our ability to think about one thing for more than fifteen minutes, twenty tops.  Yet we are captivated by the most trivial, inane, and immaterial of shiny objects; it’s like junk food for the brain. 

A series of tornados tears through the Midwest sucking a few hundred people – and a handful of tractors - up into the vortex, but that’s soon forgotten when some reality show chucklehead tearfully reveals she was forced to eat lima beans as a child.  Life-changing events are occurring all around us, often right on our doorstep, but social media is abuzz over a couple of celebrity’s Twitter feud.

Some have suggested that we’re being manipulated into focusing on some things, to distract us from others.  And, they’re probably right - to some degree.  But, we can only ascribe so much blame to others when we are ultimately responsible for the choices we make in where to invest our time, energy, and emotions.

So, that’s it.  In closing, I’d just like to say- WHOA! A METAPOD JUST SPAWNED LIKE 600 YARDS FROM HERE!  Gotta run!

 

Stay focused out there.

No Lindsay Lohan Sightings All Week

Rancho Mirage, CA - As perplexing as it sounds, an extensive investigation has revealed there hasn’t been a single confirmed Lindsay Lohan sighting in over a week.

“No, nothing”, reported long-time neighborhood blabbermouth Elsa Wentworth. “She ran in and grabbed some clothes”, the vodka-swilling, OCD victim said, gesturing over her right shoulder, “and a couple of paperbacks, but that was Tuesday before last. Since then - nothing”.

The development is particularly shocking considering the 24 year-old pseudo-actress and full-time rehab clinic resident’s exploits have been constant fodder for on-line and print tabloids since she first blew a “double-deuce“ after a traffic stop in Santa Monica in 2007. Ardent followers of Ms. Lohan’s often drunken, self-destructive exploits were left to sift through last week’s news, or simply speculate on what new depths the “mean girl” would visit in coming weeks.

“I heard she’s still using drugs”, offered Frieda Vogel, celebrity-worshiping, pathetic shell of a human being. “They’re sneaking it in to her. I mean, c’mon, it’s Lindsay”. “I heard she was into this new Zen yoga kind of thing”, spurted pill abusing, manic-depressive, celebrity-whore Melinda Davies without even being asked. “It’s like Tai Chi, but way cooler”.

“Somebody told me she‘s totally like, blimped-up at Betty Ford, and she‘s going to be doing like, these Nutrisystem commercials”, chimed in some guy named Trent or something, as if anyone cared. “And, she hasn’t updated her Facebook in like, weeks.”

While TMZ is reporting that someone who “looked like” and “could have been” Lindsay was spotted flashing cars on the Redlands Freeway from a Cook Street overpass night before last, as of this moment no independent confirmation has been forthcoming.