The Five Worst Things About Getting Older

Well, it's July again. And, if this were an even-numbered year, I'd be getting ready to celebrate my birthday. But, since I only celebrate every other year (see previous post, 2008: A Blurry Retrospective), it's just another hot mid-July day. Which is fine with me, as I'm noticing that lately people are starting to treat me like an "old person". Just the other day, I asked a neighbor to borrow his ladder. "Sure" he says. A few minutes later he arrives with the ladder. And a chainsaw. See, he knew why I wanted to borrow the ladder, as there was a branch I had mentioned wanting to cut from a tree in my backyard. I set the ladder up, and reach for the chainsaw. "Uh", he says, "why don't I just climb up and lop it off for you?" And, before I could say anything, he's up the ladder, fired up the chainsaw and cut down the branch. "Thanks", I say, then - under my breath - "I could have done it".

Don't get me wrong - getting older is certainly preferable to the alternative. But, I find myself wanting to just scream, "Hey, I'm not that old! I'm fine. I do not need help getting up out of the chair, I can still cut my own meat, and I am fully capable of climbing the stairs myself! And - stop yelling. I'm not deaf!"

It's just as well I'm not celebrating a birthday this year, as I can just imagine the "gifts" I'd receive: a bottle of Geritol, a subscription to AARP the Magazine, and a "Magic Ear". Oh, and a pair of fire engine red suspenders, because as everyone knows, once you reach a certain age your pants mysteriously fall down around your ankles every time you stand up.

Which brings me to the Five Worst Things About Getting Older:

5 - No one will let you do anything for yourself anymore, for fear that you'll "strain your back", or "break something", or "cut your arm off".
4 - Cashiers and waitresses constantly ask if you want the "Senior Discount", except you're not old enough to actually qualify for their #@^*&! senior discount.
3 - Other drivers cut you a wide berth when they see you coming.
2 - You start getting coupons in the mail for Depends.

And the absolute worst thing about getting older:

1 - Every time you pass a young child, you hear them tell their Mother that "Santa Claus has really let himself go".

Well, enough rambling for one day. I've already missed the first five minutes of Barnaby Jones.