Mom Running Out of Places to Stash Pot

 

Murfreesboro, TN – Her voice wracked with exasperation, 34 year old wife, mother and part-time dog groomer Lydia Collins lamented the fact that she’s quickly running out of locations to “stash” her marijuana.

 “I used to keep it in a little pouch with my… you know, feminine products in the bathroom, but then (daughter) Katie started nosing around in there”, she began, delineating the ongoing journey to find suitable hiding places. “Then I used an older purse I kept in the closet, but I was terrified that (husband) Reginald would find it there. He had no reason to look, of course, but I just couldn’t risk it. I mean I sing in the church choir, for Christ-sake.”

 

Collins continued to elaborate on the nooks and crannies she’d utilized over the years, but at one or another point, felt wasn’t secure enough. “There was my eyeglasses case, but I was afraid someone would smell it. Then there was my jewelry box. Wait, no it was under the mattress then the jewelry box, then under the mattress again.”

 

“And I know that (son) David found it a time or two”, she continued. “There was this one time he just grinned at me all through dinner, and we weren’t even having anything he particularly cared for. I checked later that night, and sure enough, my stash had been pinched.”

 

Both son and daughter admitted they’d each stumbled upon their mother’s pot on multiple occasions, but didn’t have the heart to take it all.  “It was like a game”, Katie reported, “take just enough to make her wonder if she’d been pinched.”

 

At press time the pot smoking mom was weighing the feasibility of utilizing the backyard storage shed, but ultimately decided the squirrels would find and eat it.

Man Inexplicably Hoarding Wire Hangers

Racine, WI – Perched on a kitchen chair, a dizzying array of Gantt and fishbone charts taped to the wall behind him, 32 year old mortgage consultant Craig Degraw shared his vision of the future: a wire, or coat hanger shortage.



“It just makes sense”, he reported to local news correspondent Hillary Broadnax via Zoom. “First it was toilet paper and hand sanitizer, then masks, then meat. How long do you think it’ll be before Americans realize how valuable these babies are”, he continued, waving a gleaming example in front of his laptop camera.



“Just think of the ways you can use them. You can make flower pots and fruit baskets with them. Once unassembled, you can bind a person’s hands behind their back in case they break in to steal your Clorox wipes and potted meat. You can use them as skewers if you want to make sad little smores on your stovetop. You could use one to pop the lock out of someone’s door in case you want to break in and steal their gloves and beef jerky.”



“Yeah, that’s Craig”, reported Degraw’s sister Cyndi Fauxwiller when asked for comment, “he’s not taking this thing too well. He’s got, like, a few thousand stashed in his basement. Every time I talk to him he’s like, “how you doing on wire hangers there?” It’s sad. He’s a sad, sad man right now.”



Degraw continued to delineate his version of society’s descent into utter chaos. He surmised that stretch pants, multivitamins, and frozen burritos would be the next items to disappear from shelves, followed by doorbell cams, tube socks, and Pringles.



At press time Degraw was reportedly checking Amazon for the expected arrival date of his latest order of an additional six “fifty packs”.

Woman Wielding Lint Roller Like a Chainsaw

Gastonia, NC - With all the fervor and gusto she could conjure, local woman Belinda Wirtz frantically assaulted the sleeves of her yuletide sweater with a lint roller, its cylinder spinning at lightening speed as she approached her company Christmas dinner.



“It’s the material”, she sighed as she set about attacking her midriff like a burly lumberjack carving into a ponderosa pine.  “Every single speck of dust in the house just clings to it.” 



“And the dog hair”, she continued exasperated, “Toby has been shedding like there’s no tomorrow” she said, referring to her four-year-old Chow \ Pomeranian mix.  “It’s everywhere”.



After another cycle of running the adhesive implement up and down her pant legs, she huffed and steadied herself, murmuring something about having everything dry cleaned the next time.  “That’s the best I can do at this point”, she mouthed dejectedly, her voice permeated with resignation as she searched for any additional microscopic specks of foreign material before entering the banquet hall.



At press time Wirtz reportedly slipped the magical dust wand to her husband Walt and asked him to “get the shoulders one last time”.

Eli Manning Listed as ‘Confused’ for Sunday’s Game

East Rutherford NY – For the first time in NFL history, a player has been slated as questionable for : “Confusion”.



“I knew it was coming”, reported starting center Jon Halapio. “Last week we were breaking huddle and he asks me the snap count.  I’m like you’re the quarterback, make something up”.



“Dude asked me where the clean towels were the other day after practice”, CB DeAndre Baker said, shaking his head slowly.  “I mean dude been playing here since I was in kindergarten and he gonna ask me?”



Coach Shurmer brushed aside questions regarding the unconventional call and Manning’s reaction.  “He’s a big boy.  He knows how it works.  What he can’t seem to grasp is the difference between a  Cover-2 Beater and a Zone-Weak, Bootleg Strong.”



At press time Manning was reportedly sitting dejectedly in the locker room watching a 24 second loop of his two yard touchdown pass to Victor Cruz in Super Bowl XLVI.

Company Phasing Out Raises in Lieu of Tawdry Motivational Trinkets

Riverside, CA – Allegiant Holdings CEO Maxwell Gustafsen announced today that the company is eschewing raises, bonuses, and other monetary compensation in favor of “personalized motivational awards” which, he states, would “resonate” with the employees on a deeper level.

“Driven by ever increasing competition and mounting operational expenses, we feel that these measures are imperative to remaining solvent and viable”, Gustafsen stated in a message on the company’s intranet.

“Oh, look”, Account Professional Lydia Gleeson stated sarcastically pointing to a mouse pad bearing the inscription: “You Rock!” in glitter.  “It’s my four year anniversary, and this is what I get.  Last year it was a paltry two percent raise, but still”.

“There goes my gym membership I guess”, she said, shaking her head.

Other awards included a coffee mug bearing the epigrammatic dictum “You’re the cream of the company!” and an embroidered key-shaped desk sign with the kitschy adage “Our employees are the key to our success!”

“Eleven years”, lamented Senior Account Manager Bill Ogden, “and they have the nerve to give me a tee shirt with the company logo and my name in stenciled block letters.  That’s it.  Eleven years.”

“It’s not even my size.”

Gustafsen was unavailable for comment at press time, as he and his pithy but voluptuous “personal assistant” Cassandra Milagro were headed to the airport where his private jet waited to whisk them to a “business meeting” in Cabo San Lucas.

Man Still Waiting For Score to Load

Sarasota, NY – With a single ad and what appeared to be a batting line-up just beginning to appear on his cell phone, 28 year old Clive Ferbus frantically refreshed the ESPN website from which he simply wanted to know the score of the Yankees Orioles game.

“It still says two to nothing”, the obviously frustrated Ferbus reported, “but it also says first inning, and I know it’s at least the top of the third.”

After another few agonizing minutes, during which Petsmart, GEICO and Ashley Homestore ads appeared, the increasingly agitated man still had no better understanding of the current score.

“Jeez”, he muttered, holding the phone aloft as if to invoke the nearest tower. “It still says two, but I mean is that the score?  Balls, strikes, what?”

“Runner on second”, he continued, his frustration reaching the boiling point, “but who?  Who’s at bat?”

Sources reported that a by then semi-delirious Ferbus finally gave up, turned his phone off and shoved it in his pocket just as a Walmart video began to play.

Man at Superbowl Party Wants Everyone to Know He Brought the Wings

Marietta, GA – Thirty-three year old divorced father of two Matt Poole insured that everyone in attendance at his friend Rodney Spence’s Superbowl party was aware that he, and he alone, brought the wings.

“Hey guys, the wings are on the counter by the microwave”, he said jovially to a small crowd which had assembled near the kitchen. “I brought ‘em”.

Poole then proceeded to grab a sriracha wing from the tray and stroll through the den where the majority of the partygoers were waiting for the kickoff. “Spicy”, he announced to no one in particular.  “That’ll light you up”, he added, exhaling sharply.

“Better get ‘em while they’re hot.  Won’t be any left by halftime, I can assure you.”

“Matt doesn’t get out much these days”, Margo Swanson, his neighbor and friend of his ex-wife explained.  “So this is kind of a big deal for him.  Honestly, I made the Thai curry and mango pineapple sauces”, she continued, her voice dropping.  “He texted me night before last just freaking out because he doesn’t know the first thing about cooking.”

“Only a few of these delicious cilantro lime wings left”, the completely broken man extolled as the partygoers filed past him, oblivious to his pleas.

At press time, Poole had cornered Rodney’s wife Belinda and offered to give her his recipes in exchange for one of her single female friend’s phone number.

Drinks With the Girls Doesn’t Warrant Fluffing Favorite Jeans

Warwick, Rhode Island – According to sources, an impromptu after work meet-up with the girlfriends was insufficient justification for tossing her favorite jeans in the dryer for a few minutes to de-wrinkle reported 28 year old human resources manager Bonita Sutherford.

“I mean it’s just Shenanigan’s”, she continued, referring to a local bar she and her neighbors frequented.  “It’s not like I’m going to run into Jason Momoa in there”, she sighed, giving the jeans a quick bullwhip snap and running her fingers through her hair in a half-hearted attempt to convince herself she’d “freshened up some”.

The denim pants, the back pocket of which contained a Starbucks receipt and a hair tie leftover from Sutherford’s last outing, went largely unnoticed during the evening, due mostly to the fact that her friend Janice Jordan’s revealing top garnered the lionesses share of the attention from the men in attendance.

“I would absolutely kill to be able to wear something like that”, the slightly tipsy Sutherford mused.

Sources also reported that a morose Sutherford did not in fact encounter anyone even remotely resembling Jason Momoa over the course of the evening, but did get a wink from bar regular “Flannel Shirt Guy” upon leaving.

Drunken Bar Patron’s Rendition of Happy Birthday Exactly Like Every Other Bar’s Drunken Patron’s Rendition

Danbury CT – Making up in inebriated enthusiasm for what they lacked in talent, patrons of Mitch’s Tavern drunkenly stumbled through a discordant rehash of the obligatory anthem Happy Birthday for bar regular Cindy Staples Friday night.

“Thanks you guys”, the 39-year-old single mother of two managed to stammer afterwards, as a single tear formed, more a result of four Jose Cuervo shots and three Bud Light Lime beers than a sincere display of emotion.

“You guys are awesome.  Really”, she continued, steadying herself as she struggled to maintain her balance against a pillar adorned with Dollar Tree holiday lights, a happy hour specials menu, and a Michelob Ultra advertisement.  “You’re like… totally awesome”.

“At least I didn’t have to hear the cornball ‘and many more’ this time”, grumbled bartender and owner Mitch McCleary as he wiped down the bar before the revelers returned like pigs to a trough.  “And no one tried to spank her, so there’s that”, he continued, flipping the TV behind the bar to a boxing match.  “Usually somebody wants to smack some ass”, he added, his voice fading to a whisper.

Staples then proceeded to hug all the other attendees, including an obviously off-put woman who’d never so much as laid eyes on the birthday girl and was simply returning from using the ladies room.

“She’s this trashed for her thirty-ninth?  I shudder to think what she’ll be like next year”, the woman uttered, shaking her head and pulling from Cindy’s drunken embrace.

At press time, it was reported that Staples and several other patrons had been seemingly launched onto their feet, hands sky-rocketing upward, their voices conjoined in a staccato “oh, oh, OHHH!” as the opening strains of This Is How We Do It blared from the stereo.

Country Music Song Lyric Generator

Say what you will about country music.  No, really, go ahead.  I’ll wait.  Okay, that said, some have suggested that country music lyrics are simplistic, interchangeable and predictable; even sophomoric.  You be the judge.  Or, don’t.  I really don’t have a dog in this fight.  In a manner of speaking.

“Sometimes you have to get a little ________ on the tires”

A.      Dirt
B.      Mud
C.      Cow droppings
D.      Buy three, get one free

“You make my heart ________”

A.      Ache
B.      Sing
C.      Soar
D.      Wish it were a less important organ, like maybe the gall bladder or spleen

“Our love is like ________”

A.      Fine wine
B.      A rainbow
C.      The morning dew
D.      Diving into a pit of broken glass

“When I first laid eyes on you, I _____”

A.      Knew you were the one
B.      Counted my blessings
C.      Thought I’d died and gone to heaven
D.      Bought a condom from the dispenser in the restroom

“If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s ______”

A.      Our love will last forever
B.      You’re the only one for me
C.      Our love was meant to be
D.      The Braves will never make it back to the World Series

“When the boys get together on a Friday night _______”

A.      Gonna be some drinking, might be a fight
B.      You know everything’s gonna be alright
C.      Gonna dance with every girl in sight
D.      There will be at least three pickup trucks in a ditch or up against a utility pole before daybreak

Well, there you go.  Play your cards right and you could be the next country music superstar.  And you can bet I’ll be looking for a cut of the royalties.

Five Things I’ll Never Understand About Women

I’ve been around the block a couple or three times.  And, I’ve come to know a lot of women over the years – most platonically.  In observing the gender, I think I’ve pretty much figured them out, save for the following:

The obsession with footwear

To your average man, shoes are just another article of clothing; something we’re forced to replace every few years or so.  But to women, shoes have transcended the role of accessory and attained an almost sacred status in their hearts.  No, shoes are not simply something women slip into so they don’t have to walk around barefoot; they are to be revered.  As much as I have tried to make sense of this phenomenon, I cannot bring myself to comprehend how a woman will experience a metaphysical state of bliss upon stumbling onto a pair of “the sweetest suede clogs you ever saw”.  Which cannot be worn when it’s raining.  And, they were on sale for only $175.

The “Bad Boy” attraction

As a commercial that ran awhile back stated: “People do stupid things”.  And we do; all of us.  But I will never understand why a reasonably intelligent woman will allow a man into her life whom  - based on his track record - she knows in advance will eventually lie to her, cheat on her, run her car into the ditch behind the Quik-E-Mart, then call her at 3:00 am to bail him out of the drunk tank.  And no, if he really loved you he wouldn’t act like a spoiled, irresponsible nine-year-old.  And yes, people can change, they just almost never do.

The size of the purse is directly proportional to the odds of losing something

It goes like this:  She pulls up in front of the bar, or restaurant, or friend’s house.  If the purse is smaller than your average Shih Tzu, she’ll take it with her.  Otherwise she’ll think, “Oh, I’ll just take my keys.  And my phone.  And my charger.  And my sunglasses.  And a tampon – just in case.  And my mascara.  And some breath mints.  And maybe eyeliner.  And a lint roller.  And another tampon – just in case.  And this copy of Luckiest Girl Alive.  And my tweezers.  And this single-pole, double-throw industrial strength lockout switch.”  So, they stumble into wherever they’re going – arms overflowing with this stuff – and the odds of remembering it all upon leaving are about the same as my winning a Pulitzer Prize.

The loftiest adjective they can assign to any object is “cute”

Women will plot, scheme, spend the rent money and even fight one another over something – and I mean anything – they deem is cute.  It could be a portrait frame, a candle holder, ceramic figurines of Danny and Sandy from the movie Grease.  Doesn’t matter.  If it’s cute its worth is incalculable.

The cattiness

I admit I’ve been somewhat envious of some of the guys I’ve known over the years.  The “chiseled Adonis” that I suspected all the women secretly desired; the jock, with their athletic prowess; the “regular Joe” that women all seemed to adore; the “hit me up when you leave the club” type that never had to lift a finger to get women.  But you ladies – you just can’t stand it when you think another woman is a little hotter, or thinner, or more popular than you.  You should know that underneath the make-up and false eyelashes her insecurity is just as real as yours, her fear of rejection just as palpable, her tears just as salty.  If not more so.  So, stop it already.

Well, that’s it.  Next week: How to Sleep Comfortably on a Sofa

Study Reveals Americans “Fed Up With This Crap”

Knoxville TN – A study released today by the University of Tennessee has confirmed that Americans from coast to coast are “up to their eyeballs with this nonsense” and “don’t know how much more they’re supposed to take”.

“It’s been bad before”, reported Hillsboro Beach, Florida boardwalk concessionaire Sid Bosworth, “but not like this.”  That sentiment was echoed by Racine, Wisconsin clothing store manager Shelia McDormand, who added, “It’s just a shame, a crying shame”, before briskly walking away, her head shaking contemptuously.

“If something doesn’t change soon, I don’t know what I’m going to do”, retired school teacher Lois Elderbridge of Mesa, Arizona offered soberly.  “I mean - Jesus, Mary and Joseph – when does it stop?”

The report went on to say that 46% of Americans are “about to blow a gasket over this”, and 39% have “a thing or two to say about the situation”.  A staggering 81% insisted “somebody needs to do something – like, right now”.

“I told them.  I told them this would happen”, an animated Lawrence “Bucky” Barber said, stepping into his eighteen-wheeler at a truck stop outside Salem, Oregon.  “But did they listen?”

University of Tennessee spokesperson Amber Kernan suggested the findings are not surprising.  “If one looks at the current situation from the perspective of the average person, one would have to surmise that this pretty much blows.”

In related news, sources reported that several residents of Warrensburg, Missouri would be “very interested in knowing” when the city is going to get around to fixing that “ding-dong pothole” at the intersection of Third and Addison, and at least one Goshen, New York resident wants to know where you can get a decent calzone at this hour.

Microwave Dinner Still Cold in Middle

Upper Darby PA – Snatching the box from the counter for the third time, a very disgruntled Brandt Chisling reported today that while he had followed the directions faithfully, his microwave dinner was still not sufficiently heated in the center.

“Cut and remove film cover over potatoes”, he muttered.  “Check.  Four minutes on high.  Did that.  But there’s clearly no steam rising from the middle section”, he continued, tossing the box on the countertop, his frustration apparent.

“Wouldn’t you think they’d at least test the directions before they put them on the box?”

Sources reported that Chisling had gone so far as to verify his microwave‘s wattage rating was within the specified range, and even placed the frozen Salisbury steak meal on a microwave safe plate.

“Isn’t that what microwaves are supposed to do?  Cook everything uniformly?  I don’t have this problem with pizza rolls or taquitos.  Jeez.”

 
At press time Chisling had reportedly spun the Salisbury steak patty horizontally, and stirred the potatoes and corn before returning the dinner to the oven for an additional two minutes.

Man Enticed to Leave Larger Tip after Being Called “Sweetie”

Huntsville, AL – Sources reported today that Branigan’s Bar & Grille patron Dale Critz was prompted to leave a nearly 35% tip for bartender Brandi Philameno after having two Jack and Sevens at the neighborhood watering hole after work.

“Brandi’s good” Critz said with a nod, “she always takes care of me.”

“If they (men) come in here alone, I’ll call ‘em “honey” or “sweetie” and smile a little more than usual”, the 24 year old raven haired beauty reported with a shrug.  “Maybe I’ll pretend to yawn and stretch my arms out, arch my back a little”, she added, winking.

Critz reportedly tossed an extra dollar bill on the bar while basking in the sight of Philameno bent over the bottled beer cooler.  “She just has that extra…  something”, he said, “not like Connie.”  Critz was referring to 37 year old former bar manager Connie Agar, who’d recently left to pursue other opportunities.  Agar - who in addition to tending bar was also tasked with several managerial duties - had many more years’ experience than Philameno, who often confused the club soda and ginger ale, and had to constantly refer to the blackboard for the daily specials.

“If showing a little skin when I reach up for the Grey Goose, or tossing my head seductively as I’m dropping off the tab keeps ‘em coming back, then so be it”, Philameno concluded, running her professionally manicured nails through her hair.

At press time, Critz was reportedly inquiring as to Philameno’s favorite brand of perfume.

Password Purgatory

Many in recent years have suggested that American workers aren’t as productive as our international counterparts.  Some say we spend too much time goofing off, playing on Facebook, or just zoning out at work.  I suggest that the single biggest reason our productivity has sagged since the turn of the century is that we are constantly forced to prove to our computer programs that we are who we say we are.

Yes, the latest in a never-ending parade of foreshadowing the apocalypse is the ubiquitous password.

If I were to do the math, I estimate that I’ve spent an average of three to five hours a week over the past decade dealing with passwords – changing them, remembering them, trying to come up with ones that meet the outlandish criteria, remembering where I wrote them down, and entering them – often multiple times a day.

Passwords are supposed to make our data more secure from hackers.  But I’ve heard that data breaches are more often than not caused by an employee clicking on an e-mail or hyperlink containing malware, and having every employee from coast to coast change their password every nine and a half minutes isn’t going to stop that.

The fact is, this fanatical obsession with – and subservience to passwords has only created the illusion of security, but then creating and propagating illusions seems to be the norm these days.  Like many other rituals in which we mindlessly partake, this Saint Vitus’ dance to the gods of encryption technology is here to stay.  And, will probably become increasingly senseless.

As one who remembers when “single sign-on” meant just that, I cannot contain my utter disgust when forced to create a nonsensical string of characters which must contain an upper and lower case letter, symbol, number, and buffalo ranch chicken dip recipe; cannot have been used by myself or any other person ever; and apparently cannot be Just@Shoot#Me*Now!

Trust me, I’ve tried it.

Man Pretty Sure it’s the Timing Belt

Elkhart IN – Upon hearing his co-worker’s car refused to start that morning, building supply sales associate Ronald Eggleston offered that the problem was most likely the timing belt, a device which synchronizes the rotation of certain parts of an internal combustion engine.   Even after being advised the automobile in question’s engine wouldn’t turn over – symptoms more associated with a dead battery – Eggleston repeated his assertion that the timing belt was the likely culprit.  “I’d at least check it”, he stated stoically. 

“He always says it’s the timing belt” co-worker Matt Henderson chuckled.  “Like when I blew the gasket on my Trans Am sky high a few summers ago.  There was oil shooting out of the carb, and Einstein Eggleston’s like ‘there goes the timing belt’”.

The 38 year old bowler and Civitan club member has reportedly proffered the identical diagnosis on multiple occasions, including the time his neighbor’s F-150 pickup truck’s brake fluid line became clogged.  “You should probably take a look at the timing belt while you’re under the hood”, he stated, nodding knowingly.

 
Sources reported that the well-meaning but clearly fixated man’s obsession with the toothed belt stems from the time the ill-fated device did in fact break on his first car – a Mitsubishi Galant – while out on his first and last date with Kim Reeves, resulting in the pair having to walk nearly three miles to call Eggleston’s older sister to come pick them up, and Reeves refusing to speak to him since.

Sequels That Didn’t Quite Make It

Well the summer popcorn-selling season is upon us once again, and movie viewers across the country will feast on the obligatory smorgasbord of re-hashed, regurgitated swill that we have come to love and anticipate.  As usual, there will be a heaping helping of re-makes and sequels – since they require substantially less creative juices than original plots -  but you want to avoid these stinkers:

* Slightly Perturbed Max

* Indiana Jones and the Temple of Soft Serve Yogurt
* Star Spats
* Let’s Sit Down and Discuss This Like Two Mature Adults Club
* Frozen Vegetables
* The Lord of the Nose-rings
* As Good As It Gets Except For That One Time I Hit Three Cherries on a Five Dollar Play
* Tuesday the Nineteenth
* Rambo: Needlepoint Night at the Senior Citizen Center
* Cement Mixer Time Machine
* The Fantastic Five or Six
* Pink Dawn
* The Muppets Take Molly
* We Bought a Slaughterhouse
* Twilight: Breaking Wind

Fifty Shades of Beige

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, the “erotic romance novel” Fifty Shades of Grey comes to the big screen in a few months.  Women everywhere are eagerly anticipating the opportunity to project themselves into the persona of the female lead.  Assuming they squint their eyes and have a glass or two of wine beforehand.

But, as erotic as the novel may be, the fact is – it’s just a fantasy.  I mean, you could never actually engage in the acts depicted in its pages.  You could?  Well, just keep that to yourself, huh?

No, for most women, fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality, and never the twain shall meet. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add a little spice to your intimate interludes.  So, allow me to introduce you to Fifty Shades of Beige:

Pet names:

Some of these can lean to the risqué side, though none I could mention here.  Best you and your partner stick to more modest monikers, such as “Honeybun”, “Sweet Cheeks” and “Mr. Jackhammer”.

Dialog:

It’s okay to push the boundaries beyond the sweet nothings you and your partner typically whisper into each other’s ears.  A couple of my favorites are “Baby, I’m gonna flip your pancakes right off the griddle”, and “I’m in overdrive and my mud flaps are singing”.  But - be sure to avoid phrases like” I never noticed that mole before”, or “Can we hurry this up?”, or “Did you have chili rellenos for lunch?”

Bondage:

Sure, it sounds like fun, but I can tell you from experience being tied up and not being able to reach that itch in the bend of your knee is not all it’s cracked up to be. I recommend having your wrists and ankles loosely bound with a scarf or dish towel, or whatever’s handy, in case the doorbell rings, or you remember it’s almost time for Biggest Loser.

Discipline:

Again, it may look erotic, but that Cat-o’-nine-tails can actually leave marks.  Ouch!  You should probably go with milder forms of punishment such as: “Well, Mr. Jackhammer, it appears you missed that box of oily rags and gardening gloves when you were cleaning out the garage.  No Sports Center for a week.”  Or, “You’ve been a bad girl Sweet Cheeks, forgetting to stick the meat thermometer in the rump roast.  I’m going to have to de-activate your Twitter account until you learn your lesson.”

Role-playing:

As much as you may think you’d like your lady to dress up as a French Maid, or Jennifer Lawrence, or that one substitute teacher from high school, I can tell you from experience, you’ll just embarrass yourselves.  Come up with more believable scenarios.  My personal favorite is Humorless State Trooper and Tipsy Blonde Speeder.  Which reminds me; I’m pretty sure it’s my turn to be the State Trooper.

Afterglow:

Many couples ignore this all too important aspect of intimacy.  Be sure to take a few minutes to bask in the warmth of the moment, the falling away, the heartbeats returning to their normal pace.

Okay, five minutes should do it.  Sports Center or Biggest Loser is probably on.

Man Convinced to Vote by Robocall

Belle Plaine, IA - 46 year old ConAgra district manager Walt Findlay reported today that he has decided to vote in Tuesday’s midterm election, based solely on the strength of an automated phone call.

“Never give it much thought before today”, Findlay stated.  “Figured one was about as good as the other”.  Findlay, who advised he hadn’t voted at all since the 2004 presidential election, was impressed by the persuasiveness of the message left on his home phone answering machine.

“Seems this one fellow is involved in some shady business dealings”, the avid duck hunter and Chicago Bears fan mused.  “And, they said he accepted donations from some big-shot Wall Street types.  That way of thinking won’t fly here in Belle Plaine.”

“The way I see it, if I don’t vote, I’m giving someone else two votes”, Findlay continued, his jaw set stoically.  “And I don’t think that’s right”.

Sources close to the Iowa elections reported the candidate Findlay has decided to support “doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning Tuesday, and has already drafted three versions of his concession speech, depending on how severely he’s defeated.

The Excuse Jar

Is it just me, or does everybody seem to have a never-ending list of excuses ready to spring at a moment’s notice?  I forgot, I was wasted, I got a nosebleed.  And politicians are the worst, always ready to pop out some lame excuse with the deftness of a toothpick dispenser.  I was exhausted from the campaign, I was out of the loop, I swear I thought she was 18.

When it comes to contrived justification for shirking responsibility, we as a society have pretty much dialed it in.  But, I find I’m not as quick on the draw as in days past, so I’ve created an excuse jar, from which I can randomly extract a completely contrived and rationalized flimsy pretext for my short-comings and failings.  I suggest you do the same.  But, you can’t use mine; make your own:

* Bruce Willis marathon on FX

* Couldn’t find two matching socks
* Got urgent text from Zorkloff, Supreme Commander of the Klemidian Confederacy
* Busy contemplating the swirl patterns in Scott Caan’s hair
* Egg salad sandwich with Texas Pete not sitting well
* Still reeling over Cubs dismal season
* Checking eBay auction for 1916 quarter in mint condition
* Parking meter about to expire
* Forced to wear paisley as a child
* A little thing I do on the side for the State Dept.; can’t really talk about it
* Last time I did it, my gums were sore for a week
* Gotta practice my curling release
* Have that bloated, gassy feeling
* Moon is in Sagittarius with Virgo ascending
* Why don’t you ask Travis instead, since you can’t seem to take your eyes off him
* Still trying to figure out if it’s toe-MAY-toe or toe-MAH-toe
* Gave it up for Lent
* Despondent over Khloe and Lamar’s breakup
* Grout in shower not going to clean itself
* Weeding out expired pizza coupons
* Porphyrophobia