Dysfunctional Relationship Labels That Don’t Exist (but Should)

Someone once said that trying to understand romantic relationships was like trying to nail Jello to a tree.  Okay, it was me; I said it.  The fact that two people can even stand the sight of each other after having been in close proximity for more than a few years is - in and of itself  - mind-boggling, given the various pitfalls that purportedly await your average couple.  But, I digress.

Apparently there are people with nothing better to do with their time than label dysfunctional relationship types.  There’s ghosting - essentially fading away before the other’s eyes - and gaslighting, which the Urban Dictionary describes as “systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception”.  There’s caretaking, codependency, and even a thing called crowd-sourcing.  The latest to catch my attention is cuffing, or entering into a relationship once it gets cold outside, so as to not have to be alone during the holidays, and when it’s… well, cold outside. 

So fine, let’s just slap a label on everything while we’re at it:

Pinwheeling:

Inventing reasons to not be accessible to the other person as their demand on your time increases; e.g. “She was having me go all shopping and whatnot with her, so I had to pinwheel out of there”.

Snorkeling:

Literally sticking your head underneath whatever you can get your hands on; a throw pillow, an empty fast food bag, the dog bed, in order to not have to see or hear the other person.

Belly flopping:

Being as horrible a person as possible so you can tactfully and gracefully bow out, insisting you’re not “good enough” for your partner, thereby absolving yourself of any real responsibility.

Tire kicking:

Comparing your relationship to your friend’s, ostensibly to identify ways to make yours better, but really just looking for cracks in the other’s relationship in the hopes of “trading up”.

Bear poking:

Finding fault with everything your partner says and does in order to provoke them into teeing off on you so you can play victim.

Cartwheeling:

Similar to Pinwheeling, but at a much more frenetic pace.

Shadowboxing:

Pretending that the daily grind of your existence is making you miserable when it’s really your partner – literally everything about your partner – that’s making you miserable.

Button pushing:

Testing the limits of your partner’s patience and tolerance in every conceivable way to ascertain exactly how far they can be pushed before they go all Freddy Krueger on you, and then accusing them of being “too sensitive” or thin-skinned.  Similar to Bear poking, Button pushers are infinitely better at passive-aggressive methods and tactics.

And I’m sure there are a few more, but that’s all I have time for now.  Apparently I’ve been Castle building and am about to be Barrel rolled.

Dysfunction Junction

Among the myriad things we live with – often without a second thought – microbes, entropy and endless government waste to name a few, there is also dysfunction. 

Not only do we choose to live with dysfunction, I believe most of us subconsciously decide how much of it we’ll deal with before we’re forced into action.  I call this the ALD, or Acceptable Level of Dysfunction.

A company’s Management team is sweating bullets because of yet another delay in a new product roll-out.  Further investigation determines that Production is waiting on Engineering for the prototype, while Engineering is awaiting the go ahead from Finance, which is pleading for cost-per-unit figures from Sourcing, which is screaming for estimates from Sales, which is…  you get the picture.  Here is an example of an entity which has found their ALD.

But dysfunction is not limited to corporations.  Take Kyle and Kim, a wholly fictitious couple I’ve invented to make a point.  Kyle is an avid golfer, and spends most weekends on the course, weather permitting.  Kim, a “golfer’s widow” resents Kyle spending so much time away, and responds with weekend afternoon shopping sprees, pedicures and lunching at expensive restaurants – spending far more than she can afford in the process.  Kim’s passive-aggressive response to Kyle’s actions – and Kyle’s failure to sense Kim’s displeasure - has helped this couple achieve their ALD.

 
Problems don’t exist in a vacuum, and dysfunction often has many a far-flung root.  Want to eliminate or at least alleviate dysfunction in your life?  Get ready to do some digging.