Banish the Handshake!

Here’s the scenario: I’m in a restaurant waiting for my dinner to arrive.  From across the room I see a causal acquaintance approaching, another fellow in tow.  I pretend to be looking at my phone, but it’s no use.  “Hey, whatcha doin’?” he asks, and before I can answer: “This is my brother-in-law Lou”.  Lou shoves his grimy paw in my face.  “Hi ya”, he says, with a boozy smile.  My heart sinks.  It’s in these moments I am again reminded that the time has come to banish the handshake.

In a day and age when people are walking around wearing surgical masks with tiny bottles of hand sanitizer dangling from their wrists, how is it we continue to engage in this germ swapping practice which likely originated when the life expectancy was only in the late twenties?  I mean, what’s a few germs between friends when you’re probably going to succumb to botulism or an abscessed tooth or a wooly mammoth before the first thaw anyway?

No matter, it’s time to retire the handshake, and replace it with:

The fist bump

Pros: It’s relatively easy to do a half-hearted one, so that just the knuckles touch.  Cons: Women don’t much care for them.

Vulcan Salute

Pros: It’s really cool, and no contact.  Cons: Many people, myself included, just can’t make the fingers do that.

The air kiss

Pros: Again, no touching, except for the occasional cheek brush.  Cons: Being that close to another person, however momentarily, will insure you’re getting a whiff of something you probably don’t want to smell.

The Macarena

Pros: Good exercise.  Cons: Absolutely none!  It’s all upside!

Exchanging recipes

Pros: In the above situation I could have simply offered Lou my recipe for lemon baked tilapia and maybe picked up some fresh ideas for pork roast.  Cons: Requires a modicum of effort.

So, at this point I don’t care what we go with; just pick something.

Heeey Macarena!

 

Elevator Etiquette

If you live or work in a high-rise building, I have two thoughts for you today: I’m sorry, and you need to know elevator etiquette.

Yes, there are rules for everything these days, even when you’re in a metal box, hurtling up and down a shaft inside a building.  If I may:

Getting in the Box

Depending on the height of the building, there’s only about a one in 7 chance that the floor you want is already lit up.  So, you have two choices: excuse yourself, reach over and press the desired button, or politely mutter your floor to the person closest to the panel.  Or, if you’re me, you give them .08 seconds to ask, then reach over and stab the button maniacally with your finger while gnashing your teeth and screaming: “Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”

Acknowledging Other People

There is an unspoken rule that you have to – in some way – acknowledge every other rider at some point.  When they get on, when they get off, when they spill their latte on your shoes.  You have to; that’s the rules.  No getting around it.  Acceptable ways include asking for their floor when they get on, mumbling “have a nice day” upon debarking, or making some inane remark about the weather.  Unacceptable ploys include asking them if they’d like a chaw of Red Man, or if they’ve ever thought about the cables snapping.

Flatulence

It’s not as flagrant a faux pas in most cultures, but here in the good old U S of A people get all bent out of shape when in close proximity to gas erupting from another human being’s body.  If you have any advance notice at all, fake a cough at the moment of truth.  Otherwise, hug a corner and glare indignantly at the person closest to you.  Or the one who looks like they may have had a bean and cheese burrito for lunch.

The Phone
It is perfectly acceptable to use your phone while on the elevator.  Unless you’re using your “phone voice”.  Remember, you’re in a moving broom closet, and no one wants to hear you upbraiding your child for getting a D on their Science project, or ragging at your significant other for forgetting to take the cutlets out of the freezer.

Body Odor

Just shaved close to a minute off your personal best for a five mile jog?  Congratulations!  Do everyone a favor and wait for the next one, huh?

Eating

I’m pretty sure eating is not allowed on the elevator; I don’t know why.

Making Eye Contact

You should never, ever make eye contact with someone on the elevator you don’t know.  If you do, immediately give them that insincere half-smile, press your fingertip to your earlobe, tilt your head and whisper, “They made me.  Bring in the cleaner”.

Having a Heart Attack

If you absolutely must have a heart attack while on the elevator, try to fall towards the control panel, swiping your hand down all the buttons as you plummet to the floor in a spasmodic heap.  Except, do not – under any circumstances – press the “emergency stop” button, for doing so will insure no one will get to you for hours.