With No Precincts Reporting, CNN Projects Obama Winner

New York, NY - In an unprecedented move, CNN has projected President Obama to be the winner of the 2012 presidential election, without a single vote having been counted.

“I knew we were going to win”, a smiling Amy Oosterhaus of Duluth, Minnesota said.  “I knew it.  And, since CNN has already projected him to win, it means I don’t have to bother going to vote.”

”It’s supposed to be cold and rainy that day”, she added.

When asked how the news agency could project a winner in a race this close when polling places haven’t even opened, a CNN official who requested anonymity responded thusly: “It’s easy.  We’ve looked at pre-polling in four or five counties and districts in toss-up states and through the use of special algorithms, determined Obama will shade Romney enough to pull out the victory.”

"It’s not that difficult”, the source continued, “in fifteen minutes I could tell you the brand of toothpaste you use, the number of sport coats in your closet, and the last time you ordered a pizza online.”

“Americans are pretty predictable”, he concluded.

 

News organizations have traditionally striven to beat the other to the punch, so to speak, in predicting presidential election winners, projecting outcomes with as few as 10 – 15% of the results in, but this is the first time one has gone this far out on a limb.

A Romney campaign spokesman laughed off the prediction, stating Fox News projected Romney the winner Wednesday before last, then – in an obvious bet-hedging move - preemptively alleged vote rigging in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.

Hillary Clinton Caught Playing Angry Birds During Senate Sub-committee Meeting

Washington D.C. - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was reportedly seen playing the popular on-line game Angry Birds during a Senate Homeland Security sub-committee meeting today, according to fellow committee member Dan Coats (R-IN).

“She was saying, ‘level three, level three, I can feel it’”, Coats said. “I’m sure I speak for other sub-committee members when I say that this is neither the time or place for frivolities of this type. I was embarrassed for her”.

Even fellow Democrat Mary Landrieu (LA) was overheard saying she witnessed Clinton staring intently into her phone, and even did a couple of fist-pumps at one point. “I tried to get her attention, but it was no use”, Landrieu shrugged.

A Clinton spokesman vehemently denied the allegations. “The Secretary of State was in fact responding to a text she received regarding an important foreign relations development which I am not at liberty to discuss here. The alleged fist-pumps were no doubt in response to that news”.

“Besides”, the spokesman continued, “no less than three other sub-committee members were observed playing Words with Friends, and Senator Murkowski (R-AK) was shopping for timeshares in the Bahamas“.

The president responded tersely to the report, reminding everyone that phones are to be turned off during sub-committee proceedings, and that as much as she plays, Clinton should have hit level three months ago.

Congress Proclaims Monopoly Money Legal Tender

Washington, D.C. - Having proven themselves utterly incompetent to solve the budget crisis, lower unemployment, or successfully complete any task more complex than tossing the car keys to a valet at some exclusive Bethesda nightclub, the elected representatives of the United States of America’s federal government have had a collective “hit the mascot between the eyes” epiphany and declared the currency of a popular board game to be equal to real, actual money.

Michigan Senator Carl Levin made the announcement, having won the honor by beating out two other senators or representatives or something in a marathon best-of-seven game of rock - paper - scissors.

“You heard right“, a beaming Levin said from the Capitol steps. “As of this moment every American household with a Monopoly game set is $15,140 richer. Unless they’ve lost some of the money. But - even then - they’re richer than when they woke up this morning”.

The news sent millions of Americans scrambling to their attics, basements, and junk drawers in search of the multi-colored currency, which until today was synonymous with worthlessness.

For now, it appears the big winner is 27 year old Brandon Goforth, a part-time Wal-Mart employee from Norman, Oklahoma. “I totally snagged 19 sets off the floor before anyone knew what was happening. I’ve got, like, a million dollars or something.” Goforth, who admits he was never that good at math, said he intends to pay off his 2009 Kia Rio, then “dive into some serious off-the-hook swag”.

When asked how much this influx of faux loot would further weaken the already anemic dollar, Levin referred questions to congressional page Seth Dunleavy who reported it was “somewhere North” of 25%. When asked to elaborate, Dunleavy pointed at a reporter‘s shoes. “Those Kenneth Coles you plunked down one-twenty for will cost $350 tomorrow”.

At the urging of President Obama, who was reportedly “more than a little interested” in learning how this legislation got passed without his knowledge, Hasbro has agreed to add the inscription “non-negotiable” to the game’s banknotes going forward.

Things That Still Work

People love to talk about things that are broken. Stuff that just doesn’t work anymore. And, if you take a minute to look around, you’ll find lots of things that don’t work anymore. A quick inventory included anything any level of government is in any way involved in, “Obama is a foreigner” conspiracy theories, the dog-and-pony shows that pass for elections, and 87% of pay phones.

But, rather than dwell on our failures, I propose we recognize and (in most cases) embrace things that still work:

The Internet:
Yes, it’s flawed; it’s saturated with annoying ads, and there are cyber-snakes hiding behind every URL and link. In order to fully appreciate the internet, one would had to have grown up in an era when if you wanted to know the population of Madagascar, or the lifetime batting average of the Cleveland Indians you’d have to trudge to the public library, find a reference book the size of a mini-fridge and look it up. If you wanted to know what the weather was going to be like the next day, you’d have to stay up and watch the eleven o’clock news. Now, with the click of a mouse, one can have the greater part of the collective knowledge of humankind at their fingertips. And, for now anyway - it’s free.

Duct Tape:
Usually misspelled duck tape, it’s still as sticky as the day it was invented, and has found thousands of useful applications.

Compassion:
If we’re defining working here as achieving the desired results, then compassion still fits the bill. The ability to empathize and care about another human being is a mutually beneficial situation, and as long as that is the case, compassion still works.

Listening:
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. We love to talk. We love to hear ourselves talk. But, all the talking is for naught if no one is listening. And listening is a lost art. Listening for nuances, for intonation, for what‘s not being said. Listening to capture the essence and message of what’s being communicated. Listening can be a powerful thing.

Deceit:
Manipulation of the truth for one’s greater gain has been with us since the dawn of man and, sadly, is still practiced successfully every day.

Volunteerism:
In good times and bad, we’ve demonstrated that we will cheerfully and enthusiastically give of ourselves for the sake of giving, expecting nothing in return. My hat’s off to those of you who choose to do so.

My 1960’s Vintage Canary Yellow Osterizer Galaxie Dual-speed Blender:
Made in the U.S.A. baby!

China Demands Three U.S. States as Collateral

Beijing, China - As a hedge against the growing trade imbalance, the People’s Republic of China announced it wants “administrative and fiduciary control” of three U.S. states.

“Just to keep everyone honest”, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said at a news conference earlier today.

He then related an ancient Chinese proverb involving a monkey, a deaf mule, and a mango orchard to illustrate his point, but the analogy was largely lost on his audience.

The difference between imports to, and exports from China, the trade imbalance was 273 billion USD for 2010 alone. China also holds an estimated 1.3 trillion in U.S. debt. As the figures kept inching up economists and lawmakers feared the worst, but no one foresaw this.

President Obama down-played the significance of the report. “My political adversaries would have you think we just gave the Chinese three American states”, the President said, chuckling. “Nothing could be further from the truth. And, even if it were, we still have, what - forty some left?”

While there has been no official word on the states allegedly impacted, aircraft with Chinese markings have been sighted over Honolulu, street signs in Modesto, California have been re-painted with both English and Chinese lettering, and Alaska governor Sean Parnell posted a recipe for General Tso’s Chicken on his website.

In related news, Mexican President Felipe Calderón Hinojosa has made inquiries into how big the trade imbalance with his country would have to be for them to get Texas back.

Obama Challenges Kim Jong-il to Game of One-on-One Basketball

Washington, D.C. Citing a need to “calm tensions” and bring an end to the enmity between the two nations, President Obama today challenged North Korea’s reclusive leader to a game of “make it, take it, half-court, in-your-face roundball” as a way to settle their differences.

“Many of you are too young to remember”, the President said, resplendent in a Chicago Bulls “home” jersey, “but the U.S. and China achieved great strides using what was termed ping-pong diplomacy in the 1970‘s. My sincere hope is that we can repeat that success with North Korea - from the three-point line.”

While political pundits have questioned the fairness of such a competition, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reminded the media that the Stalinist dictator is something of a basketball buff himself, who often watches NBA action. “We would have preferred to sit down and discuss the many issues which impact our nations in a calm, rational manner”, Gibbs continued, “but the fact is, this guy is straight-up loopy”.

While there is no reliable data on the exact height of the militaristic Jong-il - who is never seen in public wearing less than two inch heels - estimates range from 5’ 4” to 5’ 7’’. At 6’1”, President Obama would have a considerable advantage.

“He should have thought of that before he lobbed all those shells onto that (South Korean) island”, the President and Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful military in the world said, crossing his arms and “posing” defiantly. “Any neutral court, anywhere in the world. Well, except maybe Afghanistan”.

“Not that it will make any difference (where the competition is held)” Obama continued, his arms outstretched and shaking his head, his handlers gingerly urging him away from the microphone, “that nut-job will be picking basketball out of his teeth for weeks. What I mean, I’m gonna school his [unintelligible]”.

While there has been no direct response to the challenge, the North’s official propaganda outlet KCNA today did accuse “the war-mongering imperialist empire” of mining Haeju harbor, plotting the violent overthrow of the DPRK, and rigging the Celtics - Sixers game, costing the diminutive despot $200.

President Use Big Words, Nobody Understand

I’ll cut right to the chase here. Prez Barack apparently gave a speech of some kind - I have no idea the subject of which - and it seems that everyone is in a tizzy because said president used words that were “at a 10-grade level” and - quoting here - “may have gone over the heads of many in his audience”.

Hmmm. A speech using words at a 10-grade level may have gone over the heads of many in his audience, that audience being the American public.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

The last time I checked, education - at least up to the tenth grade - was free. No Child Left Behind? How about Every Child Dumbed Down?

Well, far be it from me to judge. If the majority of Americans cannot comprehend tenth grade vocabulary, then let me translate what we have so far:

President Obama gave a speech. He talked about important things. Many people heard the President talk. Talk, Mr. President, talk. People clapped and clapped. The president would stop talking while the people clapped. Clap, people, clap.

When the speech was over the people on the news shows talked about what the president had said. Talk, news show people, talk. They said the president used too many big words. They said the president should have used smaller words so more people would know what the president was saying. The news show people used big words too. They said things like “jargon” and “academic” and “shockingly”. Some people did not understand, so they switched their TV over to watch Friends or Ace of Cakes. Some people did not clap when the president talked. They were mad because they were missing CSI. They stomped their feet and called the president bad names and said he was full of poop. Some of them threw their remote control thingy against the wall.

Back here in It’s-Called-An-Education-Look-Into-It-Land, I don’t know why I was surprised. I should have known that the average American adult cannot comprehend tenth grade vocabulary. After all, I’ve watched Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader 12 or 15 times now, and I don’t think I’ve seen more than a couple of winners.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize, Ascends Into Heaven, and Has Sainthood Bestowed Upon Him, All in One Afternoon

Washington, D.C. - On a day which will go down in history, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and then, after delivering his acceptance speech, raised his arms and was drawn into the heavenly aura, ringed by 10,000 angels. No sooner had the first-term President, and relative unknown until that one speech he gave at that one Democratic circle-jerk, cleared the stratosphere when Pope Benedict XVI announced via Twitter that he was bestowing sainthood on Saint Barack.

“We’ve been waiting for this for like, forever”, gushed Amilie Trucant, president of the N.A.O.P.A.E.E.O., (National Association of People Against Everything Except Obama). Then paused, and added, “well - since January, anyway”.

Equally giddy was former Vice President, now President Joe Biden. “I just want everyone to know”, he said, choking back tears, “that I intend to carry on the legacy of this great man. Well, except for maybe that health care thing. And all the incentives. I mean, come on, somebody’s gonna have to pay for this, right?”

In related news, with Saint Barack’s ascension, Oprah officially became the Most Important Human Being Alive. She celebrated by sending everyone in the world a coupon for 25 cents off an 11 ounce or larger bag of Kit Kat Fun-Sized candy bars.