Woman Wielding Lint Roller Like a Chainsaw

Gastonia, NC - With all the fervor and gusto she could conjure, local woman Belinda Wirtz frantically assaulted the sleeves of her yuletide sweater with a lint roller, its cylinder spinning at lightening speed as she approached her company Christmas dinner.



“It’s the material”, she sighed as she set about attacking her midriff like a burly lumberjack carving into a ponderosa pine.  “Every single speck of dust in the house just clings to it.” 



“And the dog hair”, she continued exasperated, “Toby has been shedding like there’s no tomorrow” she said, referring to her four-year-old Chow \ Pomeranian mix.  “It’s everywhere”.



After another cycle of running the adhesive implement up and down her pant legs, she huffed and steadied herself, murmuring something about having everything dry cleaned the next time.  “That’s the best I can do at this point”, she mouthed dejectedly, her voice permeated with resignation as she searched for any additional microscopic specks of foreign material before entering the banquet hall.



At press time Wirtz reportedly slipped the magical dust wand to her husband Walt and asked him to “get the shoulders one last time”.

Co-worker Brings Spinach Dip Again

Silver Spring MD – Employees of the Law Offices of Mudder, Wainwight and Washburn reported today that 26 year old unmarried and childless paralegal Tiffini Baskins has – for the third consecutive year – had the gall to bring deli spinach dip to the annual company holiday luncheon.

“I can’t believe it”, reported receptionist Carole Grossman, who was up at 5 am making from scratch and baking a chocolate and pecan chess pie.  “She just stands there hovering over it, like it’s a just hatched eaglet or something until someone has some”.

 “And she gets really moody if you don’t tell her it’s like the greatest you ever had”, added admin assistant Valerie Rush.  “I mean, she got it at Super Fresh”.

“Look, she didn’t even take the price tag off this year.”

Flanked by a box of multi-grain crackers and a bag of corn tortilla chips, the sad, afterthought of a dish appeared almost flippant among an array of delicacies including green bean casserole with brie and almonds, cheddar and bacon potato salad, and deviled eggs with paprika and garlic.

“I agonized for weeks on what to make, before deciding on the sausage balls with onion and Worchester sauce”, lamented account manager Heather Crittenden, “then Little Miss Size Six prances in here like royalty with something she scooped up from a grocery store deli on her way in this morning.” 

At press time, senior partner Harv Wainwright, married with four children and twelve years Baskins’ senior was complimenting her on her “thoughtful, heart-friendly” selection.

Peace on Earth and Visions of Sugarplums

Tis the season.  For decking of halls and merry gentlemen resting, and riding horse-drawn sleighs over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house.  And, peace on earth and goodwill towards men.  We send glittery, brightly colored greeting cards to our loved ones adorned with these platitudes, and think, “It’s a pretty card”, and not ”What a joke.  Peace?  Seriously?”

When the first primitive man discovered he could take up a club or stone and use it to intimidate or bludgeon his neighbor into getting his way, the art of violence was created.  And Man can no more unlearn this art than he can unlearn any of our other more primal instincts.  Peace on earth?  As noble a longing as it be, it is more likely that we all wake up on Christmas morning and find that we’re all just  living in some cosmic snow globe for some deity’s amusement.

The reader will be forgiven for thinking me cynical.

In 1955 Jill Jackson Miller and Sy Miller penned a song called “Let There Be Peace on Earth” which was later popularized by Vince Gill.  The song’s lyrics - let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me – are striking in both the simplicity and the plaintive entreaty; that an outbreak of peace must begin with he who implores it.

So, in the immortal words of Steve Martin in his now famous SNL parody “If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season” it would be that there would one day truly be peace on earth.  And that it would begin with me.

And you.