What’s So Funny?

It has come to my attention that things I previously thought humorous – hysterically so in some cases – are no longer funny.  It goes without saying that making fun of others who are “different” in some manner should not be considered humorous.  Ditto for “dumb blonde” jokes.  But I was shocked to learn that sarcasm – a personal staple – is no longer funny.  I was informed that some people are actually offended by sarcasm.  Apparently they see themselves as the butt of the joke, even when the object of derision is clearly stated.

Okay, fine.  No more sarcasm.  I guess I’ll have to redefine what is and is not funny, much like I had to scramble to reconfigure my wardrobe when carpenter’s pants went passé.  Towards that end, I have come up with a list of things that are certifiably, undeniably funny:

* Farmers Only dot com commercials

* The audio of the phone call to a radio station from the woman who’d tried in vain to have the local authorities move the “Deer Crossing” signs to more secluded locations
* Kanye West taking himself seriously
* Drunks attempting to complete the simplest of feats; using an ATM, remembering the lyrics to Blurred Lines, or sending a text to their ex that isn’t total gibberish: “heyb dud juno I stiel lubj jue r u awek”
* Every campaign promise ever made
* Cats falling out of window sills and not landing on their feet
* Infomercials
* Blazing Saddles
* The midnight to 1 a.m. Karaoke line-up
* People misusing common phases, a la “for all intense purposes”
* Duckface selfies
* Politicians getting caught breaking the very laws they helped to enact
* Every high school yearbook photo more than 20 years old
* Women digging through their purses looking for their cell phone which is in their back pocket
 
Well that’s all I could come up with for now.  Next week: Things You Should Stop Putting Bacon On.

The Seven Greatest Inventions in the History of Humankind

I read somewhere that someone has decided to come up with a list of the so-called "new seven wonders of the world". These were voted on by an estimated 100 million people (or almost twice as many as last season's American Idol finale) and the winners announced earlier this month. I don't have a complete list in front of me, but suffice to say neither the World's Largest Ball of String or Rocky Balboa's athletic supporter made the final cut. These things have turned into such total beauty pageants if you ask me.

In any event, this got me to thinking: wonder, schmunder, what are the greatest inventions of all time? I mean things that someone actually had to think of, and maybe even sketch on a papyrus, or the back of a Taco Bell bag.

So, I decided to compile my own list. My criteria was simple: I started with 206,817 things and eliminated them one by one. Just a few that didn't make the final cut include the iPod, penicillin, guacamole dip, Super Soakers, and fingernail clippers. (I know, that one barely missed.)

But, I wanted to keep the list manageable (and who really wants to read The 206,817 Greatest Inventions in the History of Humankind), so here we go:

7. Microwave Oven - Ever tried to re-heat mashed potatoes in a pan on the stovetop? Good luck.

6. Legos - I have it on good authority that someone built a 1:124 replica of the U.S.S. Enterprise out of Legos. Not only does it float, it was also 2.7 million dollars over budget!

5. Zip-lock Baggies - This was an easy choice. Think about it. They're light, they're cheap, they're air-tight, and you can store enough leftovers in a single quart-sized zip-lock bag to feed 1.75 moderately hungry people. Let's see someone top that.

4. Mass Spectrometer - Okay, I admit, I have no idea what a mass spectrometer does, but the name is just so cool. Like something out of a 1950's science-fiction movie.

3. Ice Cube Tray - Ever wonder why some people call refrigerators iceboxes? Because in the early days, that's pretty much what they were. Big, ugly boxes that sat in the corner of your kitchen with a compartment underneath where you'd put a big block of ice. If you wanted a cold drink you'd have to put it in the icebox and wait. And wait. And wait. Til it was cold enough to drink. Then, the ice cube tray was invented. The early ones were metal and had a big handle running down the middle. You'd pull the handle, and one of two things would happen: absolutely nothing, or an ice cube explosion with cubes flying everywhere, most of which wound up on the floor. But, you'd salvage a few, and within minutes your drink would be cold. Or at least colder than it would be otherwise.

2. Velcro - You know you love Velcro.

1. Pocket T-shirt - Originally, all t-shirts were white and sleeveless, what some people call "wife-beaters". I prefer to not use that term, as I've found some wife-beaters find it offensive. Eventually sleeves were added, and many years later someone had the brilliant idea of adding a pocket. A t-shirt. With a pocket. You could put things into the pocket. A comb, a photograph, a bean burrito. And, now they come in different colors. You could actually wear a different colored pocket t-shirt every day of the week, and two on Sunday, and still not run out of colors. You can wear them while doing yard work, or running errands, or pretending to do yard work. You can wear them as pajama tops, or something to throw on when the doorbell rings. The possibilities are endless. And, the absolute greatest thing about the absolute greatest invention in the history of humankind is that they cost about the same as a pound of cheddar cheese.

Well, that's it for now, but coming up next month: The Seven Greatest Inventions Sold Exclusively on Infomercials on Cable TV Between the Hours of Ten PM and Four AM.