Eli Manning Listed as ‘Confused’ for Sunday’s Game

East Rutherford NY – For the first time in NFL history, a player has been slated as questionable for : “Confusion”.



“I knew it was coming”, reported starting center Jon Halapio. “Last week we were breaking huddle and he asks me the snap count.  I’m like you’re the quarterback, make something up”.



“Dude asked me where the clean towels were the other day after practice”, CB DeAndre Baker said, shaking his head slowly.  “I mean dude been playing here since I was in kindergarten and he gonna ask me?”



Coach Shurmer brushed aside questions regarding the unconventional call and Manning’s reaction.  “He’s a big boy.  He knows how it works.  What he can’t seem to grasp is the difference between a  Cover-2 Beater and a Zone-Weak, Bootleg Strong.”



At press time Manning was reportedly sitting dejectedly in the locker room watching a 24 second loop of his two yard touchdown pass to Victor Cruz in Super Bowl XLVI.

NFL Rejects Giant’s Request for “Do-overs”

Police were called to the home of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell after a visibly disheveled and unshaven Tom Coughlin was reportedly discovered beating on the commissioner’s door at 4:30 am waving a copy of the NFL rulebook to which he had appended approximately seven pages of hand-written “rules”.  Among them was the stipulation that any team which “had failed to win a game going into the seventh week of regular season - which was limited to past Super Bowl champions in major markets - and whose starting Quarterback had become a bungling dunderhead apparently unable to distinguish the players wearing his team’s uniforms from the opponent’s” should be allowed a do-over.  The desperate manifesto further proclaimed that in such an event, all teams records would be reset to 0-0, and the season shortened thusly.

Goodell was forced to call the police after Coughlin repeatedly refused to leave the premises, and even after Goodell pointed out that the added rules were obviously counterfeit, containing several misspellings and a reference to Dallas Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones as a “cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater”.

Coughlin was bailed out by team back-up Quarterback Curtis Painter, who reported he’d been awake anyway, studying the Giant’s playbook in the hopes Coughlin would start him in Manning’s place against the Raiders.

In related news, sources were unable to confirm Pittsburgh Steeler’s owner Dan Rooney was hiding among some shrubs in Goodell’s front yard eagerly anticipating Goodell’s decision.