Yes,
there are rules for everything these
days, even when you’re in a metal box, hurtling up and down a shaft inside a
building. If I may:
Getting in the Box
Depending
on the height of the building, there’s only about a one in 7 chance that the
floor you want is already lit up. So,
you have two choices: excuse yourself, reach over and press the desired button,
or politely mutter your floor to the person closest to the panel. Or, if you’re me, you give them .08 seconds
to ask, then reach over and stab the button maniacally with your finger while
gnashing your teeth and screaming: “Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”
Acknowledging Other
People
There
is an unspoken rule that you have to – in some way – acknowledge every other
rider at some point. When they get on,
when they get off, when they spill their latte on your shoes. You have
to; that’s the rules. No getting around
it. Acceptable ways include asking for
their floor when they get on, mumbling “have a nice day” upon debarking, or
making some inane remark about the weather.
Unacceptable ploys include asking them if they’d like a chaw of Red Man,
or if they’ve ever thought about the cables snapping.
Flatulence
It’s
not as flagrant a faux pas in most cultures, but here in the good old U S of A
people get all bent out of shape when in close proximity to gas erupting from
another human being’s body. If you have
any advance notice at all, fake a cough at the moment of truth. Otherwise, hug a corner and glare indignantly
at the person closest to you. Or the one
who looks like they may have had a bean and cheese burrito for lunch.The Phone
It is perfectly acceptable to use your phone while on the elevator. Unless you’re using your “phone voice”. Remember, you’re in a moving broom closet, and no one wants to hear you upbraiding your child for getting a D on their Science project, or ragging at your significant other for forgetting to take the cutlets out of the freezer.
Body Odor
Just
shaved close to a minute off your personal best for a five mile jog? Congratulations! Do everyone a favor and wait for the next
one, huh?
Eating
I’m
pretty sure eating is not allowed on the elevator; I don’t know why.
Making Eye Contact
You
should never, ever make eye contact with someone on the elevator you don’t
know. If you do, immediately give them
that insincere half-smile, press your fingertip to your earlobe, tilt your head
and whisper, “They made me. Bring in the
cleaner”.
Having a Heart Attack
If you absolutely must have a heart attack while on the
elevator, try to fall towards the control panel, swiping your hand down all the
buttons as you plummet to the floor in a spasmodic heap. Except, do not – under any circumstances –
press the “emergency stop” button, for doing so will insure no one will get to
you for hours.
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