Company Phasing Out Raises in Lieu of Tawdry Motivational Trinkets

Riverside, CA – Allegiant Holdings CEO Maxwell Gustafsen announced today that the company is eschewing raises, bonuses, and other monetary compensation in favor of “personalized motivational awards” which, he states, would “resonate” with the employees on a deeper level.

“Driven by ever increasing competition and mounting operational expenses, we feel that these measures are imperative to remaining solvent and viable”, Gustafsen stated in a message on the company’s intranet.

“Oh, look”, Account Professional Lydia Gleeson stated sarcastically pointing to a mouse pad bearing the inscription: “You Rock!” in glitter.  “It’s my four year anniversary, and this is what I get.  Last year it was a paltry two percent raise, but still”.

“There goes my gym membership I guess”, she said, shaking her head.

Other awards included a coffee mug bearing the epigrammatic dictum “You’re the cream of the company!” and an embroidered key-shaped desk sign with the kitschy adage “Our employees are the key to our success!”

“Eleven years”, lamented Senior Account Manager Bill Ogden, “and they have the nerve to give me a tee shirt with the company logo and my name in stenciled block letters.  That’s it.  Eleven years.”

“It’s not even my size.”

Gustafsen was unavailable for comment at press time, as he and his pithy but voluptuous “personal assistant” Cassandra Milagro were headed to the airport where his private jet waited to whisk them to a “business meeting” in Cabo San Lucas.

Man Still Waiting For Score to Load

Sarasota, NY – With a single ad and what appeared to be a batting line-up just beginning to appear on his cell phone, 28 year old Clive Ferbus frantically refreshed the ESPN website from which he simply wanted to know the score of the Yankees Orioles game.

“It still says two to nothing”, the obviously frustrated Ferbus reported, “but it also says first inning, and I know it’s at least the top of the third.”

After another few agonizing minutes, during which Petsmart, GEICO and Ashley Homestore ads appeared, the increasingly agitated man still had no better understanding of the current score.

“Jeez”, he muttered, holding the phone aloft as if to invoke the nearest tower. “It still says two, but I mean is that the score?  Balls, strikes, what?”

“Runner on second”, he continued, his frustration reaching the boiling point, “but who?  Who’s at bat?”

Sources reported that a by then semi-delirious Ferbus finally gave up, turned his phone off and shoved it in his pocket just as a Walmart video began to play.

Man at Superbowl Party Wants Everyone to Know He Brought the Wings

Marietta, GA – Thirty-three year old divorced father of two Matt Poole insured that everyone in attendance at his friend Rodney Spence’s Superbowl party was aware that he, and he alone, brought the wings.

“Hey guys, the wings are on the counter by the microwave”, he said jovially to a small crowd which had assembled near the kitchen. “I brought ‘em”.

Poole then proceeded to grab a sriracha wing from the tray and stroll through the den where the majority of the partygoers were waiting for the kickoff. “Spicy”, he announced to no one in particular.  “That’ll light you up”, he added, exhaling sharply.

“Better get ‘em while they’re hot.  Won’t be any left by halftime, I can assure you.”

“Matt doesn’t get out much these days”, Margo Swanson, his neighbor and friend of his ex-wife explained.  “So this is kind of a big deal for him.  Honestly, I made the Thai curry and mango pineapple sauces”, she continued, her voice dropping.  “He texted me night before last just freaking out because he doesn’t know the first thing about cooking.”

“Only a few of these delicious cilantro lime wings left”, the completely broken man extolled as the partygoers filed past him, oblivious to his pleas.

At press time, Poole had cornered Rodney’s wife Belinda and offered to give her his recipes in exchange for one of her single female friend’s phone number.