Dysfunction Junction

Among the myriad things we live with – often without a second thought – microbes, entropy and endless government waste to name a few, there is also dysfunction. 

Not only do we choose to live with dysfunction, I believe most of us subconsciously decide how much of it we’ll deal with before we’re forced into action.  I call this the ALD, or Acceptable Level of Dysfunction.

A company’s Management team is sweating bullets because of yet another delay in a new product roll-out.  Further investigation determines that Production is waiting on Engineering for the prototype, while Engineering is awaiting the go ahead from Finance, which is pleading for cost-per-unit figures from Sourcing, which is screaming for estimates from Sales, which is…  you get the picture.  Here is an example of an entity which has found their ALD.

But dysfunction is not limited to corporations.  Take Kyle and Kim, a wholly fictitious couple I’ve invented to make a point.  Kyle is an avid golfer, and spends most weekends on the course, weather permitting.  Kim, a “golfer’s widow” resents Kyle spending so much time away, and responds with weekend afternoon shopping sprees, pedicures and lunching at expensive restaurants – spending far more than she can afford in the process.  Kim’s passive-aggressive response to Kyle’s actions – and Kyle’s failure to sense Kim’s displeasure - has helped this couple achieve their ALD.

 
Problems don’t exist in a vacuum, and dysfunction often has many a far-flung root.  Want to eliminate or at least alleviate dysfunction in your life?  Get ready to do some digging.

What’s So Funny?

It has come to my attention that things I previously thought humorous – hysterically so in some cases – are no longer funny.  It goes without saying that making fun of others who are “different” in some manner should not be considered humorous.  Ditto for “dumb blonde” jokes.  But I was shocked to learn that sarcasm – a personal staple – is no longer funny.  I was informed that some people are actually offended by sarcasm.  Apparently they see themselves as the butt of the joke, even when the object of derision is clearly stated.

Okay, fine.  No more sarcasm.  I guess I’ll have to redefine what is and is not funny, much like I had to scramble to reconfigure my wardrobe when carpenter’s pants went passé.  Towards that end, I have come up with a list of things that are certifiably, undeniably funny:

* Farmers Only dot com commercials

* The audio of the phone call to a radio station from the woman who’d tried in vain to have the local authorities move the “Deer Crossing” signs to more secluded locations
* Kanye West taking himself seriously
* Drunks attempting to complete the simplest of feats; using an ATM, remembering the lyrics to Blurred Lines, or sending a text to their ex that isn’t total gibberish: “heyb dud juno I stiel lubj jue r u awek”
* Every campaign promise ever made
* Cats falling out of window sills and not landing on their feet
* Infomercials
* Blazing Saddles
* The midnight to 1 a.m. Karaoke line-up
* People misusing common phases, a la “for all intense purposes”
* Duckface selfies
* Politicians getting caught breaking the very laws they helped to enact
* Every high school yearbook photo more than 20 years old
* Women digging through their purses looking for their cell phone which is in their back pocket
 
Well that’s all I could come up with for now.  Next week: Things You Should Stop Putting Bacon On.

Elevator Etiquette

If you live or work in a high-rise building, I have two thoughts for you today: I’m sorry, and you need to know elevator etiquette.

Yes, there are rules for everything these days, even when you’re in a metal box, hurtling up and down a shaft inside a building.  If I may:

Getting in the Box

Depending on the height of the building, there’s only about a one in 7 chance that the floor you want is already lit up.  So, you have two choices: excuse yourself, reach over and press the desired button, or politely mutter your floor to the person closest to the panel.  Or, if you’re me, you give them .08 seconds to ask, then reach over and stab the button maniacally with your finger while gnashing your teeth and screaming: “Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”

Acknowledging Other People

There is an unspoken rule that you have to – in some way – acknowledge every other rider at some point.  When they get on, when they get off, when they spill their latte on your shoes.  You have to; that’s the rules.  No getting around it.  Acceptable ways include asking for their floor when they get on, mumbling “have a nice day” upon debarking, or making some inane remark about the weather.  Unacceptable ploys include asking them if they’d like a chaw of Red Man, or if they’ve ever thought about the cables snapping.

Flatulence

It’s not as flagrant a faux pas in most cultures, but here in the good old U S of A people get all bent out of shape when in close proximity to gas erupting from another human being’s body.  If you have any advance notice at all, fake a cough at the moment of truth.  Otherwise, hug a corner and glare indignantly at the person closest to you.  Or the one who looks like they may have had a bean and cheese burrito for lunch.

The Phone
It is perfectly acceptable to use your phone while on the elevator.  Unless you’re using your “phone voice”.  Remember, you’re in a moving broom closet, and no one wants to hear you upbraiding your child for getting a D on their Science project, or ragging at your significant other for forgetting to take the cutlets out of the freezer.

Body Odor

Just shaved close to a minute off your personal best for a five mile jog?  Congratulations!  Do everyone a favor and wait for the next one, huh?

Eating

I’m pretty sure eating is not allowed on the elevator; I don’t know why.

Making Eye Contact

You should never, ever make eye contact with someone on the elevator you don’t know.  If you do, immediately give them that insincere half-smile, press your fingertip to your earlobe, tilt your head and whisper, “They made me.  Bring in the cleaner”.

Having a Heart Attack

If you absolutely must have a heart attack while on the elevator, try to fall towards the control panel, swiping your hand down all the buttons as you plummet to the floor in a spasmodic heap.  Except, do not – under any circumstances – press the “emergency stop” button, for doing so will insure no one will get to you for hours.