You'd have to have been hiding under a rock, or on a distant planet (or hiding under a rock on a distant planet) to not have heard of the Nintendo Wii gaming system. It's truly one of the most inventive game systems of this century (21st? 22nd? I can never keep it straight). And with the introduction of Wii Fit, millions of Americans have learned how to pretend to actually exercise in the comfort of their own living rooms! Why spend hundreds of dollars on a home gym you will hardly ever use when you get get Wii fit for around $125, and hardly ever use it?
Now for the good news: There are literally tens of new games for the Wii for 2009. We've listed a few here:
Wii Fat
For those die-hard couch potatoes that eschew things like "working out", "getting in shape" and "seeing their feet", there's Wii Fat. Press the 'A' button and your screen fills with scrumptious, delectable dishes such as Beef Wellington, Roast Rack of Lamb, and Triple Cheese and Guacamole-Stuffed Enchiladas! Mmmmm! You can almost smell the delicious aroma! Press the 'B' button and you are treated to a sampling of some of the world's most lip-smacking, artery-hardening desserts! Bon Appetit!
Available from:
Couch Potatoes Rock, Inc.
"Because Dieting is for Wussies"
Wiiwillwiiwillrockyou
Imagine all your Miis dancing hypnotically to the incessant, stomp, stomp, clap backbeat of this ubiquitous rock anthem! Press the 'A' button and they launch into an air-guitar army! Press 'B' and they all whip out their little Mii Bic lighters! Just like being at a real Queen concert! If you're heavily medicated, that is.
Available from:
Arena Rock Novelties Co.
"We're Too Buzzed To Think of A Slogan, Man"
Wiibleswobblebuttheydontfalldown
Press the 'A' button and all your Miis (Wiibles) start to wobble. But - they don't fall down. Ever.
Available from:
Low Tech Toys, Inc.
"Whatever Happened to the Slinky, Anyway?"
WiiBeJammin'
That's right, your Miis all adopt dreads and a funky groove as they get down to all your favorite reggae tunes! Press the 'A' button and one whips out a spliff to pass around. Press the 'B', '1', and '+' buttons simultaniously for a special surprise!
Available from:
JamaicanTouristBoard.org
"No tourists killed here for long time, Mon"
Wii Nap
Press the 'A' button and the screen goes black. So you can take a nap.
Available from:
ReallyDumbProducts.com
"You Know You'll Buy Anything If We Hype It Enough"
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
2008: A Blurry Retrospective
Well, the year 2008 has finally died an agonizingly slow, horrifically painful death, and 2009 is finally here, taunting us with hushed promises of economic recovery, scientific advances, and one-size-fits-all Snuggies. And while there were many, many developments and newsworthy stories in 2008, I would like to focus on three in particular:
One, I became ANOTHER year older, and I think that is grossly unfair. I believe that once you reach my age, you should only age, say six months per year. Of course younger folks, with their boundless energy, firm, toned bodies, and complete control of their respective bladders, should continue to age at the usual rate. This would have the added advantages of alleviating the baby-boomer burden on the Social Security system, AND requiring that you only buy birthday gifts for us dinosaurs every other year.
Secondly, we held another Mister President Contest in 2008, and of course Barack Obama - playing the role of Young, Idealistic Reformer won, beating out John McCain, playing the role of Crotchety Old Geezer Who Spends His Days Watching Barnaby Jones Re-runs And Chasing Stray Dogs Off His Lawn. This was truly an epic Mister President Contest, the campaign having begun in 1993. (I know it seemed MUCH longer but it really wasn't; Google it if you don't believe me.) Of the myriad images and sound-bites from this gargantuan competition, the one that will always haunt me is that of an army of Thirty-something women in stretch pants and running shoes zipping up and down the streets of my neighborhood at a mall-walker's pace, hanging leaflets on my door "reminding" me to vote for Obama.
There are no words to express the presumptuousness of this act.
My only regret is that I apparantly missed Jeff Probst ceremoniously extingushing Senator McCain's torch. (If anyone has a video clip of that, please shoot it to me. Thanks!)
But, all is not well in the wake of this Mister President Contest. Apparantly Hillary Clinton, playing the role of the Slam Dunk Democratic Nom- Whoops Maybe Not has amassed a campaign debt of approximately $680,000,000,000. This is equal to the combined Gross Domestic Product of several Caribbean nations, and Oprah's "Cookie Jar" fund. It's also almost 3% of what Senator Obama raised. In fact, if you take the money spent by all the contestants combined, convert it to Susan B. Anthony dollars and stack it in a cornfield in Nebraska, it would actually be visable from the International Space Station! Honest!
I have a proposal to eliminate this gross expenditure. Beginning with the 2012 Mister President Contest, all candidates would be prohibited from campaigning until election day. On election evening, whichever television network that bid the highest would hold a three-hour Mister President Contest Special (to be co-hosted by Jeff Probst and either Fergie or Kim Kardashian) wherein every candidate would have three minutes to express their views and make their empty campaign promises. Beginning with the final hour of the Mister President Contest Special, every registered voter - having previously received their unique voter personal identification number via mail - would either go on-line or call an 800 number to vote. Then, one by one, the losing candidates would have their torches extinguished by Jeff Probst until only the winner remained. Think of the advertising dollars this would generate! A thirty-second spot would easily cost ten times that of the Super Bowl!
Then, either Fergie or Kim Kardashian would place the ceremonial tiara on the head of the Mister President Contest winner and hand them the ceremonial roses while a Bert Parks look-alike sings "Here He Comes, Mister President". (I'm getting a little misty-eyed just thinking about it!)
Finally, I'm sure everyone has heard that the fact that 2008 was a leap year caused several computer glitches that wreaked havoc with many on-line sites, including Twitter, Digg and whatareyouwearingrightnow.com. I also have a simple proposal to eliminate this problem: do away with leap year altogether and replace it with the Leap Second. That's right, beginning in 2010, every minute would be increased by one second, thereby eliminating the need for a leap year, with it's extra day, and what all.
I know what you're thinking: Wouldn't every clock, watch and sun dial around the world have to be re-calibrated to deal with this extra second? The answer is an emphatic no. As no one is ever on time for anything anyway, the extra second would hardly be noticed. Trust me; I've done the math.
So, here's hoping that 2009 will see all your hopes and dreams realized. I know my new year has started on a positive note. I just love my new Snuggie!
One size fits all, you know.
One, I became ANOTHER year older, and I think that is grossly unfair. I believe that once you reach my age, you should only age, say six months per year. Of course younger folks, with their boundless energy, firm, toned bodies, and complete control of their respective bladders, should continue to age at the usual rate. This would have the added advantages of alleviating the baby-boomer burden on the Social Security system, AND requiring that you only buy birthday gifts for us dinosaurs every other year.
Secondly, we held another Mister President Contest in 2008, and of course Barack Obama - playing the role of Young, Idealistic Reformer won, beating out John McCain, playing the role of Crotchety Old Geezer Who Spends His Days Watching Barnaby Jones Re-runs And Chasing Stray Dogs Off His Lawn. This was truly an epic Mister President Contest, the campaign having begun in 1993. (I know it seemed MUCH longer but it really wasn't; Google it if you don't believe me.) Of the myriad images and sound-bites from this gargantuan competition, the one that will always haunt me is that of an army of Thirty-something women in stretch pants and running shoes zipping up and down the streets of my neighborhood at a mall-walker's pace, hanging leaflets on my door "reminding" me to vote for Obama.
There are no words to express the presumptuousness of this act.
My only regret is that I apparantly missed Jeff Probst ceremoniously extingushing Senator McCain's torch. (If anyone has a video clip of that, please shoot it to me. Thanks!)
But, all is not well in the wake of this Mister President Contest. Apparantly Hillary Clinton, playing the role of the Slam Dunk Democratic Nom- Whoops Maybe Not has amassed a campaign debt of approximately $680,000,000,000. This is equal to the combined Gross Domestic Product of several Caribbean nations, and Oprah's "Cookie Jar" fund. It's also almost 3% of what Senator Obama raised. In fact, if you take the money spent by all the contestants combined, convert it to Susan B. Anthony dollars and stack it in a cornfield in Nebraska, it would actually be visable from the International Space Station! Honest!
I have a proposal to eliminate this gross expenditure. Beginning with the 2012 Mister President Contest, all candidates would be prohibited from campaigning until election day. On election evening, whichever television network that bid the highest would hold a three-hour Mister President Contest Special (to be co-hosted by Jeff Probst and either Fergie or Kim Kardashian) wherein every candidate would have three minutes to express their views and make their empty campaign promises. Beginning with the final hour of the Mister President Contest Special, every registered voter - having previously received their unique voter personal identification number via mail - would either go on-line or call an 800 number to vote. Then, one by one, the losing candidates would have their torches extinguished by Jeff Probst until only the winner remained. Think of the advertising dollars this would generate! A thirty-second spot would easily cost ten times that of the Super Bowl!
Then, either Fergie or Kim Kardashian would place the ceremonial tiara on the head of the Mister President Contest winner and hand them the ceremonial roses while a Bert Parks look-alike sings "Here He Comes, Mister President". (I'm getting a little misty-eyed just thinking about it!)
Finally, I'm sure everyone has heard that the fact that 2008 was a leap year caused several computer glitches that wreaked havoc with many on-line sites, including Twitter, Digg and whatareyouwearingrightnow.com. I also have a simple proposal to eliminate this problem: do away with leap year altogether and replace it with the Leap Second. That's right, beginning in 2010, every minute would be increased by one second, thereby eliminating the need for a leap year, with it's extra day, and what all.
I know what you're thinking: Wouldn't every clock, watch and sun dial around the world have to be re-calibrated to deal with this extra second? The answer is an emphatic no. As no one is ever on time for anything anyway, the extra second would hardly be noticed. Trust me; I've done the math.
So, here's hoping that 2009 will see all your hopes and dreams realized. I know my new year has started on a positive note. I just love my new Snuggie!
One size fits all, you know.
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