Banish the Handshake!

Here’s the scenario: I’m in a restaurant waiting for my dinner to arrive.  From across the room I see a causal acquaintance approaching, another fellow in tow.  I pretend to be looking at my phone, but it’s no use.  “Hey, whatcha doin’?” he asks, and before I can answer: “This is my brother-in-law Lou”.  Lou shoves his grimy paw in my face.  “Hi ya”, he says, with a boozy smile.  My heart sinks.  It’s in these moments I am again reminded that the time has come to banish the handshake.

In a day and age when people are walking around wearing surgical masks with tiny bottles of hand sanitizer dangling from their wrists, how is it we continue to engage in this germ swapping practice which likely originated when the life expectancy was only in the late twenties?  I mean, what’s a few germs between friends when you’re probably going to succumb to botulism or an abscessed tooth or a wooly mammoth before the first thaw anyway?

No matter, it’s time to retire the handshake, and replace it with:

The fist bump

Pros: It’s relatively easy to do a half-hearted one, so that just the knuckles touch.  Cons: Women don’t much care for them.

Vulcan Salute

Pros: It’s really cool, and no contact.  Cons: Many people, myself included, just can’t make the fingers do that.

The air kiss

Pros: Again, no touching, except for the occasional cheek brush.  Cons: Being that close to another person, however momentarily, will insure you’re getting a whiff of something you probably don’t want to smell.

The Macarena

Pros: Good exercise.  Cons: Absolutely none!  It’s all upside!

Exchanging recipes

Pros: In the above situation I could have simply offered Lou my recipe for lemon baked tilapia and maybe picked up some fresh ideas for pork roast.  Cons: Requires a modicum of effort.

So, at this point I don’t care what we go with; just pick something.

Heeey Macarena!