Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize, Ascends Into Heaven, and Has Sainthood Bestowed Upon Him, All in One Afternoon

Washington, D.C. - On a day which will go down in history, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and then, after delivering his acceptance speech, raised his arms and was drawn into the heavenly aura, ringed by 10,000 angels. No sooner had the first-term President, and relative unknown until that one speech he gave at that one Democratic circle-jerk, cleared the stratosphere when Pope Benedict XVI announced via Twitter that he was bestowing sainthood on Saint Barack.

“We’ve been waiting for this for like, forever”, gushed Amilie Trucant, president of the N.A.O.P.A.E.E.O., (National Association of People Against Everything Except Obama). Then paused, and added, “well - since January, anyway”.

Equally giddy was former Vice President, now President Joe Biden. “I just want everyone to know”, he said, choking back tears, “that I intend to carry on the legacy of this great man. Well, except for maybe that health care thing. And all the incentives. I mean, come on, somebody’s gonna have to pay for this, right?”

In related news, with Saint Barack’s ascension, Oprah officially became the Most Important Human Being Alive. She celebrated by sending everyone in the world a coupon for 25 cents off an 11 ounce or larger bag of Kit Kat Fun-Sized candy bars.