Things That Really Bug Me: Volume One

"Easy-open" packaging:
Is there a more Orwellian misnomer? "Easy open"? If you consider requiring the use of a blow torch, a jackhammer and the "jaws of life" to get into these things easy, then I guess it is. Personally, I miss the days when things were so poorly packaged the bag would come open before you could get it home from the store. Just the other day, I stopped in at a convenience store to gas up, and picked up a bag of salted peanuts. After several minutes of unsuccessfully trying to rip the bag open (and chipping a tooth in the process), I threw it on the ground, ran over it with my car six or seven times until it was mashed into a finely granulated peanut dust, popped my hood and snagged the corner of the bag on my radiator cap. Of course, it was totally inedible at that point, but hey - it's the principle...

Four-way stop signs:
Question: If four cars meet at a four-way stop sign at the exact same instant, which one has the right-of-way? Most Popular Answer: The one in the biggest hurry. Actual Answer: No one knows! All four drivers just sit there looking at each other with that far-away, doe-in-the-headlight hypnotic gaze trying to telepathically play rock, paper, scissors to determine who goes first. I have an idea to deal with this quandary: the newest car goes first. In case of a tie, the most expensive newest car goes first. Of course, all drivers would have to keep their sales receipts and registration cards over the sun visor, so they could quickly snag and wave them out the window should the situation arise.

Carrot cake:
I'm a firm believer that it should be illegal to make a cake, pie, or any other pastry out of vegetables. Don't get me wrong, vegetables have their place. And it's waaaaaaay over on the corner of the plate where their repulsive vegetable juices can't touch, and thereby adulterate tasty foods. Vegetables certainly do not belong in cakes. Of course, carrot cake apologists always say (in a very whiny, nasally voice) "but you can't taste the carrots". Which begs the question: then why put them in there? So, here is my recipe for carrotless cake:

1. Make a cake
2. Don't put carrots in it

Cutesy cell phone ring tones:
Seriously. If I have to hear Redneck Woman, Bartender, or that drunken "rannng, rannnnnng" one more time, someone is going to the emergency room.

Instant "celebrities":
The term celebrity is generally taken to mean a person of distinction or renown. Not anymore. These days, anyone who manages to get their mug on any of the estimated 1,037 "reality" TV shows, or smashes their Mercedes-Benz into a fire hydrant on Hollywood Boulevard is deemed to be a celebrity. They can't sing, dance, juggle or engage in a coherent debate on any subject other than the hottest new shades of lip gloss, but we - in our insatiable thirst for chuckleheads to admire and emulate - are creating them by the thousands.

Bugs:
Yeah, I know they have their place in the food chain or whatever, but I say let's get rid of 'em all and see how it goes.