Fifty Shades of Beige

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, the “erotic romance novel” Fifty Shades of Grey comes to the big screen in a few months.  Women everywhere are eagerly anticipating the opportunity to project themselves into the persona of the female lead.  Assuming they squint their eyes and have a glass or two of wine beforehand.

But, as erotic as the novel may be, the fact is – it’s just a fantasy.  I mean, you could never actually engage in the acts depicted in its pages.  You could?  Well, just keep that to yourself, huh?

No, for most women, fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality, and never the twain shall meet. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add a little spice to your intimate interludes.  So, allow me to introduce you to Fifty Shades of Beige:

Pet names:

Some of these can lean to the risqué side, though none I could mention here.  Best you and your partner stick to more modest monikers, such as “Honeybun”, “Sweet Cheeks” and “Mr. Jackhammer”.

Dialog:

It’s okay to push the boundaries beyond the sweet nothings you and your partner typically whisper into each other’s ears.  A couple of my favorites are “Baby, I’m gonna flip your pancakes right off the griddle”, and “I’m in overdrive and my mud flaps are singing”.  But - be sure to avoid phrases like” I never noticed that mole before”, or “Can we hurry this up?”, or “Did you have chili rellenos for lunch?”

Bondage:

Sure, it sounds like fun, but I can tell you from experience being tied up and not being able to reach that itch in the bend of your knee is not all it’s cracked up to be. I recommend having your wrists and ankles loosely bound with a scarf or dish towel, or whatever’s handy, in case the doorbell rings, or you remember it’s almost time for Biggest Loser.

Discipline:

Again, it may look erotic, but that Cat-o’-nine-tails can actually leave marks.  Ouch!  You should probably go with milder forms of punishment such as: “Well, Mr. Jackhammer, it appears you missed that box of oily rags and gardening gloves when you were cleaning out the garage.  No Sports Center for a week.”  Or, “You’ve been a bad girl Sweet Cheeks, forgetting to stick the meat thermometer in the rump roast.  I’m going to have to de-activate your Twitter account until you learn your lesson.”

Role-playing:

As much as you may think you’d like your lady to dress up as a French Maid, or Jennifer Lawrence, or that one substitute teacher from high school, I can tell you from experience, you’ll just embarrass yourselves.  Come up with more believable scenarios.  My personal favorite is Humorless State Trooper and Tipsy Blonde Speeder.  Which reminds me; I’m pretty sure it’s my turn to be the State Trooper.

Afterglow:

Many couples ignore this all too important aspect of intimacy.  Be sure to take a few minutes to bask in the warmth of the moment, the falling away, the heartbeats returning to their normal pace.

Okay, five minutes should do it.  Sports Center or Biggest Loser is probably on.