But,
as erotic as the novel may be, the fact is – it’s just a fantasy. I mean, you could never actually engage in the acts depicted in its
pages. You could? Well, just keep that to yourself, huh?
No,
for most women, fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality, and never the twain
shall meet. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add a little spice to your intimate interludes.
So, allow me to introduce you to Fifty Shades of Beige:
Pet names:
Some
of these can lean to the risqué side, though none I could mention here. Best you and your partner stick to more modest
monikers, such as “Honeybun”, “Sweet Cheeks” and “Mr. Jackhammer”.
Dialog:
It’s
okay to push the boundaries beyond the sweet nothings you and your partner
typically whisper into each other’s ears.
A couple of my favorites are “Baby, I’m gonna flip your pancakes right
off the griddle”, and “I’m in overdrive and my mud flaps are singing”. But - be sure to avoid phrases like” I never
noticed that mole before”, or “Can we hurry this up?”, or “Did you have chili
rellenos for lunch?”
Bondage:
Sure,
it sounds like fun, but I can tell
you from experience being tied up and not being able to reach that itch in the
bend of your knee is not all it’s cracked up to be. I recommend having your
wrists and ankles loosely bound with
a scarf or dish towel, or whatever’s handy, in case the doorbell rings, or you
remember it’s almost time for Biggest
Loser.
Discipline:
Again,
it may look erotic, but that Cat-o’-nine-tails can actually leave marks.
Ouch! You should probably go with
milder forms of punishment such as: “Well, Mr. Jackhammer, it appears you
missed that box of oily rags and gardening gloves when you were cleaning out
the garage. No Sports Center for a week.”
Or, “You’ve been a bad girl Sweet Cheeks, forgetting to stick the meat
thermometer in the rump roast. I’m going
to have to de-activate your Twitter account until you learn your lesson.”
Role-playing:
As
much as you may think you’d like your lady to dress up as a French Maid, or Jennifer
Lawrence, or that one substitute teacher from high school, I can tell you from
experience, you’ll just embarrass yourselves.
Come up with more believable scenarios.
My personal favorite is Humorless State Trooper and Tipsy Blonde
Speeder. Which reminds me; I’m pretty
sure it’s my turn to be the State
Trooper.
Afterglow:
Many
couples ignore this all too important aspect of intimacy. Be sure to take a few minutes to bask in the
warmth of the moment, the falling away, the heartbeats returning to their normal
pace.
Okay,
five minutes should do it. Sports Center or Biggest Loser is probably on.
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