Customer Disservice

Standing in line at a fast food restaurant, I noticed the lad behind the counter was struggling to enter the order of a couple in front of me.  It wasn’t even that difficult an order, but the young man kept pecking at his console with an expression of total bewilderment.  At one point I reckoned it would’ve taken fewer keystrokes to spin up and launch a missile from a Trident submarine than to place an order for a couple of burgers, one with extra pickles, hold the mayo.
                                    
Anyone who’s ever tried to navigate the IVR (interactive voice response) system for a customer service line knows the frustration all too well.  You can almost hear faint echoes of laughter in the background from the manager that signed off on this nightmarish carousel-from-hell ear torture which typically after several minutes culminates with a: “Sorry, you’ve entered an invalid selection.  Goodbye”.

Admittedly, you don’t have to look very far to find customer service people who are apathetic, incompetent, and slothful, but the real problem here is often a lack of training, tools, and motivation for those who serve us.  Companies like to talk about their “world class” or “award winning” customer service, but this is often merely corporate-speak.  When your average business is looking to cut costs – and they’re always looking to cut costs – service is where they look first.  The sales staff and middle to upper management are generally richly compensated, while service takes a back seat; underpaid, understaffed, and underfunded.  And it’s typically the lowly phone grunt or order taker that feels the sting of the customer’s frustration when a popular item has been out of stock for weeks, or the repairman didn’t show up when promised, or it’s “company policy” that you can’t substitute one side item for another which costs the same amount.

For the estimated nine in ten Americans earning (or eking out) a living in customer service, the pain of enduring a beat-down for the short-comings of corporate skimping is both real and undeserved. And you just have to smile and take it.

But – when you hit the clock at the end of your shift, you magically transform into a consumer. You’re the customer now.  And the best way to have an impact is to demand the level of service the business claims to offer.  And the best way to do that is to understand the person standing in front of you or on the other end of the phone is not only not the problem, but also powerless to change anything.  Go to the company’s web-site and make your voice heard.  Be specific about the problem.  Don’t hold back.  Offer suggestions, like: “Took forever to pull up my account.  Upgrade software much?” Or: “Couldn’t hear me at the drive-thru.  Same speaker from when you opened in 1989?”  You’re the customer.  Vote with your wallet, and let them know if they want your business they’ll take you seriously and make those pretty words mean something.

Password Purgatory

Many in recent years have suggested that American workers aren’t as productive as our international counterparts.  Some say we spend too much time goofing off, playing on Facebook, or just zoning out at work.  I suggest that the single biggest reason our productivity has sagged since the turn of the century is that we are constantly forced to prove to our computer programs that we are who we say we are.

Yes, the latest in a never-ending parade of foreshadowing the apocalypse is the ubiquitous password.

If I were to do the math, I estimate that I’ve spent an average of three to five hours a week over the past decade dealing with passwords – changing them, remembering them, trying to come up with ones that meet the outlandish criteria, remembering where I wrote them down, and entering them – often multiple times a day.

Passwords are supposed to make our data more secure from hackers.  But I’ve heard that data breaches are more often than not caused by an employee clicking on an e-mail or hyperlink containing malware, and having every employee from coast to coast change their password every nine and a half minutes isn’t going to stop that.

The fact is, this fanatical obsession with – and subservience to passwords has only created the illusion of security, but then creating and propagating illusions seems to be the norm these days.  Like many other rituals in which we mindlessly partake, this Saint Vitus’ dance to the gods of encryption technology is here to stay.  And, will probably become increasingly senseless.

As one who remembers when “single sign-on” meant just that, I cannot contain my utter disgust when forced to create a nonsensical string of characters which must contain an upper and lower case letter, symbol, number, and buffalo ranch chicken dip recipe; cannot have been used by myself or any other person ever; and apparently cannot be Just@Shoot#Me*Now!

Trust me, I’ve tried it.

10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear in Bed

As longtime readers are aware, I will occasionally delve into the thorny topic of relationships.  Hot, sweaty, writhing, pulsating, gasping for air relationships.  The time has therefore come – and very possibly passed – to tackle one of the more vexatious issues: things you never want to pass your partner’s lips during intimacy.  In that spirit, here are the 10 things you never want to hear in bed:

10. “I thought you had the handcuffs key.”

9. “It is in.”
8. “Yes, that’s it.  Yeah, right there- wait, who defeated Napoleon at Waterloo: the British, Prussians, Turks or Spanish?”
7. “That reminds me, it’s two for one night at Samurai Sushi.”
6. “Found the remote!”
5. “Don’t worry, it happens to all men sometimes.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”
4. The Jeopardy theme song.
3. “I bought zucchinis at the market today, in case you want to know how that feels.”
2. “Are you finished?”

And the number one thing you never want to hear in bed:

 
1. “If you stop now, I promise I won’t call the police.”

Man Pretty Sure it’s the Timing Belt

Elkhart IN – Upon hearing his co-worker’s car refused to start that morning, building supply sales associate Ronald Eggleston offered that the problem was most likely the timing belt, a device which synchronizes the rotation of certain parts of an internal combustion engine.   Even after being advised the automobile in question’s engine wouldn’t turn over – symptoms more associated with a dead battery – Eggleston repeated his assertion that the timing belt was the likely culprit.  “I’d at least check it”, he stated stoically. 

“He always says it’s the timing belt” co-worker Matt Henderson chuckled.  “Like when I blew the gasket on my Trans Am sky high a few summers ago.  There was oil shooting out of the carb, and Einstein Eggleston’s like ‘there goes the timing belt’”.

The 38 year old bowler and Civitan club member has reportedly proffered the identical diagnosis on multiple occasions, including the time his neighbor’s F-150 pickup truck’s brake fluid line became clogged.  “You should probably take a look at the timing belt while you’re under the hood”, he stated, nodding knowingly.

 
Sources reported that the well-meaning but clearly fixated man’s obsession with the toothed belt stems from the time the ill-fated device did in fact break on his first car – a Mitsubishi Galant – while out on his first and last date with Kim Reeves, resulting in the pair having to walk nearly three miles to call Eggleston’s older sister to come pick them up, and Reeves refusing to speak to him since.

Sequels That Didn’t Quite Make It

Well the summer popcorn-selling season is upon us once again, and movie viewers across the country will feast on the obligatory smorgasbord of re-hashed, regurgitated swill that we have come to love and anticipate.  As usual, there will be a heaping helping of re-makes and sequels – since they require substantially less creative juices than original plots -  but you want to avoid these stinkers:

* Slightly Perturbed Max

* Indiana Jones and the Temple of Soft Serve Yogurt
* Star Spats
* Let’s Sit Down and Discuss This Like Two Mature Adults Club
* Frozen Vegetables
* The Lord of the Nose-rings
* As Good As It Gets Except For That One Time I Hit Three Cherries on a Five Dollar Play
* Tuesday the Nineteenth
* Rambo: Needlepoint Night at the Senior Citizen Center
* Cement Mixer Time Machine
* The Fantastic Five or Six
* Pink Dawn
* The Muppets Take Molly
* We Bought a Slaughterhouse
* Twilight: Breaking Wind

Dysfunction Junction

Among the myriad things we live with – often without a second thought – microbes, entropy and endless government waste to name a few, there is also dysfunction. 

Not only do we choose to live with dysfunction, I believe most of us subconsciously decide how much of it we’ll deal with before we’re forced into action.  I call this the ALD, or Acceptable Level of Dysfunction.

A company’s Management team is sweating bullets because of yet another delay in a new product roll-out.  Further investigation determines that Production is waiting on Engineering for the prototype, while Engineering is awaiting the go ahead from Finance, which is pleading for cost-per-unit figures from Sourcing, which is screaming for estimates from Sales, which is…  you get the picture.  Here is an example of an entity which has found their ALD.

But dysfunction is not limited to corporations.  Take Kyle and Kim, a wholly fictitious couple I’ve invented to make a point.  Kyle is an avid golfer, and spends most weekends on the course, weather permitting.  Kim, a “golfer’s widow” resents Kyle spending so much time away, and responds with weekend afternoon shopping sprees, pedicures and lunching at expensive restaurants – spending far more than she can afford in the process.  Kim’s passive-aggressive response to Kyle’s actions – and Kyle’s failure to sense Kim’s displeasure - has helped this couple achieve their ALD.

 
Problems don’t exist in a vacuum, and dysfunction often has many a far-flung root.  Want to eliminate or at least alleviate dysfunction in your life?  Get ready to do some digging.

What’s So Funny?

It has come to my attention that things I previously thought humorous – hysterically so in some cases – are no longer funny.  It goes without saying that making fun of others who are “different” in some manner should not be considered humorous.  Ditto for “dumb blonde” jokes.  But I was shocked to learn that sarcasm – a personal staple – is no longer funny.  I was informed that some people are actually offended by sarcasm.  Apparently they see themselves as the butt of the joke, even when the object of derision is clearly stated.

Okay, fine.  No more sarcasm.  I guess I’ll have to redefine what is and is not funny, much like I had to scramble to reconfigure my wardrobe when carpenter’s pants went passé.  Towards that end, I have come up with a list of things that are certifiably, undeniably funny:

* Farmers Only dot com commercials

* The audio of the phone call to a radio station from the woman who’d tried in vain to have the local authorities move the “Deer Crossing” signs to more secluded locations
* Kanye West taking himself seriously
* Drunks attempting to complete the simplest of feats; using an ATM, remembering the lyrics to Blurred Lines, or sending a text to their ex that isn’t total gibberish: “heyb dud juno I stiel lubj jue r u awek”
* Every campaign promise ever made
* Cats falling out of window sills and not landing on their feet
* Infomercials
* Blazing Saddles
* The midnight to 1 a.m. Karaoke line-up
* People misusing common phases, a la “for all intense purposes”
* Duckface selfies
* Politicians getting caught breaking the very laws they helped to enact
* Every high school yearbook photo more than 20 years old
* Women digging through their purses looking for their cell phone which is in their back pocket
 
Well that’s all I could come up with for now.  Next week: Things You Should Stop Putting Bacon On.

Elevator Etiquette

If you live or work in a high-rise building, I have two thoughts for you today: I’m sorry, and you need to know elevator etiquette.

Yes, there are rules for everything these days, even when you’re in a metal box, hurtling up and down a shaft inside a building.  If I may:

Getting in the Box

Depending on the height of the building, there’s only about a one in 7 chance that the floor you want is already lit up.  So, you have two choices: excuse yourself, reach over and press the desired button, or politely mutter your floor to the person closest to the panel.  Or, if you’re me, you give them .08 seconds to ask, then reach over and stab the button maniacally with your finger while gnashing your teeth and screaming: “Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”

Acknowledging Other People

There is an unspoken rule that you have to – in some way – acknowledge every other rider at some point.  When they get on, when they get off, when they spill their latte on your shoes.  You have to; that’s the rules.  No getting around it.  Acceptable ways include asking for their floor when they get on, mumbling “have a nice day” upon debarking, or making some inane remark about the weather.  Unacceptable ploys include asking them if they’d like a chaw of Red Man, or if they’ve ever thought about the cables snapping.

Flatulence

It’s not as flagrant a faux pas in most cultures, but here in the good old U S of A people get all bent out of shape when in close proximity to gas erupting from another human being’s body.  If you have any advance notice at all, fake a cough at the moment of truth.  Otherwise, hug a corner and glare indignantly at the person closest to you.  Or the one who looks like they may have had a bean and cheese burrito for lunch.

The Phone
It is perfectly acceptable to use your phone while on the elevator.  Unless you’re using your “phone voice”.  Remember, you’re in a moving broom closet, and no one wants to hear you upbraiding your child for getting a D on their Science project, or ragging at your significant other for forgetting to take the cutlets out of the freezer.

Body Odor

Just shaved close to a minute off your personal best for a five mile jog?  Congratulations!  Do everyone a favor and wait for the next one, huh?

Eating

I’m pretty sure eating is not allowed on the elevator; I don’t know why.

Making Eye Contact

You should never, ever make eye contact with someone on the elevator you don’t know.  If you do, immediately give them that insincere half-smile, press your fingertip to your earlobe, tilt your head and whisper, “They made me.  Bring in the cleaner”.

Having a Heart Attack

If you absolutely must have a heart attack while on the elevator, try to fall towards the control panel, swiping your hand down all the buttons as you plummet to the floor in a spasmodic heap.  Except, do not – under any circumstances – press the “emergency stop” button, for doing so will insure no one will get to you for hours.