Slept until 9:45. They said this was normal, what with the anesthesia and all. Fruit salad and toast for breakfast, then a catnap. Stepped out onto the patio for a few minutes to get some fresh air. Bird of some kind chirping in the distance. What a beautiful day!
Day
2:
Slept
until 10:15. Strange, don’t feel rested
at all. Wanted corn flakes for breakfast,
no milk. Oh well.
Day
3:
Up
at 6:05. So is that damn bird. Chirping is starting to grate on my nerves. Started re-reading Edge of Eternity; only got to page 18.
Day
4:
Chatted
with the postman for a few minutes. Real
likable guy. Organized the spices in
alphabetical order. Spent an hour
searching for nail clippers.
Day
5:
That
Dr. Phil is a hoot. (Wonder if he’s a
real doctor.) Started playing Candy
Crush Soda Saga. Not really my “cup of
tea” (ha ha). Looked for that nice postman again; never showed up.
Day
6:
The
bird is particularly annoying today, what with the incessant screechy monotone
droning and all. Searching amazon.com
for BB gun. Wondering if Dr. Pol is a
real doctor.
Day
7:
There
are 931,067 recipes for chicken marsala on the internet. Saw the postman coming
up the walk and stepped out to say “hi”.
He dropped my mail at his feet and power walked to the next house,
glancing nervously over his shoulder.
Strange.
Day
8:
Frantically
searching Audobon.org trying to figure out what the hell kind of bird that is. Still haven’t caught sight of it; the aggravating
utterances stop as soon as I step outside. It’s as if it can read my mind. This isn’t funny anymore.
Day
9:
Was
disheartened to learn the contestants on Price
is Right have to meet certain “eligibility” requirements. Guessing the ACLU would be interested in that
little nugget. Posting anonymous comment
on their website. Someone has to blow
the lid off this.
Day
10:
I
can’t be the only one who’s picked up on the little subliminal messages in the
prescription drug commercials, can I?
The postman has “accidently” forgotten to deliver my mail for the third
time this week. Someone is going to get
an ear full, just you wait.
Day
11:
BB
gun arrived. Set up blind on corner of
patio. Operation Bye Bye Birdie has
begun. That bird doesn’t know who he’s
messing with. Also, there are 384
pavestones on the patio, three of which are chipped.
Day
12:
Operation
Bye Bye Birdie enters its second day. Nearly
soiled myself when the refrigerator compressor kicked in. It’s quiet.
Too quiet. Also, we have a new mail carrier.
Day
13:
Into
fourth hour of Operation Bye Bye Birdie.
Lowered my binoculars for a split second to wipe the sweat from my eyes
and hear a demonic squawk and catch a glimpse of some other-worldly beast, it’s
wings flapping wildly as it descends, blocking all else from my vision. Awaken sometime after dark to find I have
actually soiled myself. I. Am. So
{sniff}. Afraid.
Day
14:
The
hours run together like sidewalk chalk after a midday rain. Haven’t showered in days. Only leave the bed to relieve myself. Mine is a nightmarish world of thoughts which
collide and careen off each other before egressing into the void… wait. It
was a dream. It was all JUST A
DREAM! HA HA HA! Except…
why is there a BB gun on my nightstand?
Posts
