Someone
once said that trying to understand romantic relationships was like trying to
nail Jello to a tree. Okay, it was me; I
said it. The fact that two people can
even stand the sight of each other after having been in close proximity for
more than a few years is - in and of itself - mind-boggling, given the various pitfalls
that purportedly await your average couple.
But, I digress.
Apparently
there are people with nothing better to do with their time than label
dysfunctional relationship types.
There’s ghosting - essentially fading away before the other’s eyes - and
gaslighting, which the Urban Dictionary describes as “systematically
withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to,
the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and
less able to trust their own memory and perception”. There’s caretaking, codependency, and even a
thing called crowd-sourcing. The latest
to catch my attention is cuffing, or entering into a relationship once it gets cold
outside, so as to not have to be alone during the holidays, and when it’s… well,
cold outside.
So
fine, let’s just slap a label on everything
while we’re at it:
Pinwheeling:
Inventing
reasons to not be accessible to the other person as their demand on your time
increases; e.g. “She was having me go all shopping and whatnot with her, so
I had to pinwheel out of there”.
Snorkeling:
Literally
sticking your head underneath whatever you can get your hands on; a throw
pillow, an empty fast food bag, the dog bed, in order to not have to see or hear the other person.
Belly flopping:
Being
as horrible a person as possible so you can tactfully and gracefully bow out,
insisting you’re not “good enough” for your partner, thereby absolving yourself
of any real responsibility.
Tire kicking:
Comparing
your relationship to your friend’s, ostensibly to identify ways to make yours
better, but really just looking for cracks in the other’s relationship in the
hopes of “trading up”.
Bear poking:
Finding
fault with everything your partner says and does in order to provoke them into
teeing off on you so you can play victim.
Cartwheeling:
Similar
to Pinwheeling, but at a much more frenetic pace.
Shadowboxing:
Pretending
that the daily grind of your existence is making you miserable when it’s really
your partner – literally everything
about your partner – that’s making you miserable.
Button pushing:
Testing
the limits of your partner’s patience and tolerance in every conceivable way to
ascertain exactly how far they can be pushed before they go all Freddy Krueger
on you, and then accusing them of being “too sensitive” or thin-skinned. Similar to Bear poking, Button pushers are
infinitely better at passive-aggressive methods and tactics.
And
I’m sure there are a few more, but that’s all I have time for now. Apparently I’ve been Castle building and am
about to be Barrel rolled.
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