Farewell to the Oh-Oh Decade

Well, I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that the Oh-Oh decade is officially over. What’s that you say? The what decade? The Oh-Ohs. As in, two-oh-oh-one, two-oh-oh-two, etc. You know, there were the Eighties, then the Nineties, then the Oh-Ohs.

You can call it whatever you like - I actually heard some chucklehead on one of those New Year’s Eve shows refer to it as the Digital Decade. On second thought, you can call it whatever you like, as long as it’s not the Digital Decade. I will continue to call it the Oh-Ohs, thank you.

So anyway, it’s over, and now we have the obligatory “best” and “worst” lists for the decade. Best movies, worst business decisions, most celebrity mug shots (Nick Nolte, I believe we have a winner).

But those are soooo boring.

So, I’ve come up with the Top Ten Things About the Oh-Oh Decade Which Really Blew Chunks:

10. It was 2007 before anyone could agree on what to call it.
9. The Y2K thing turned out to be a total dud; still trying to unload survival shelter in Long Pond, New Hampshire.
8. Jericho, My Name is Earl, and Growing Up Gotti were all cancelled.
7. 1,681,059 more potholes.
6. Straight-leg jeans went out of style. Twice.
5. Al Gore won a Nobel Prize.
4. No significant upgrade to Zwiggys.
3. U.S. budget deficit became so large that average American can’t tell if it’s in the billions, trillions, gazillions or just a really bad nightmare.
2. Someone learned how to clone lawyers.

And the thing about the Oh-Oh decade which blew the most chunks:

1. Kidz Bop

After Disappointing Season, Daniel Snyder Fires Redskins Fans

Landover, MD - After finishing the season 4-12 and failing to make the playoffs for the eighth time in 11 attempts, Washington Redskin’s owner Dan Snyder has “cleaned house”, firing all of the team’s estimated 1,493,612 fans. Although many NFL analysts predicted the bloodbath weeks ago, the news came as a shock to some. “I knew I shouldn’t have missed that week eleven match-up with the Cowboys”, lamented Connie Abbot of Fairfax, Virginia. “Had I been there, maybe our kicker would have made one of those two missed field goals, and we’d have won”, she said, wiping away a tear. “Of course, it was an away game, and my daughter’s baby shower was that weekend, but still, a true fan makes the sacrifice.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do”, said Kyle Stafford, a life-long Redskins fan. “I mean, I know it’s my fault. I didn’t cheer myself hoarse at every game. And that one time, I forgot to bring my pig nose”. Then, shaking his head continued, “maybe I’ll become a fan of the Ravens or Steelers. If they’ll have me”, his voice trailing off to a whisper.

The mood was somber at O’Brians Pub down the street from FedEx Field, where several dozen recently fired fans gathered to take whatever solace they could from each other and a pint of Guinness. “Truly, it is a sad day for Redskins fans”, mused “Kitty” Travers, clutching her autographed John Riggins trading card. “What will become of us now?”

While some have suggested that the blame should lie with the coaching staff, the players themselves, or even Snyder’s mercurial nature, general manager Bruce Allen brushed off these opinions. “It’s the fans”, he said in a recent phone conversation. “They didn’t give one hundred percent. Sure, some of them had to take second jobs to pay for their season tickets, but if you can’t buck up and do whatever it takes to win, we can’t use you.”

Snyder could not be reached for comment.

Turning a Page

I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions. I know they’re popular and all. I also know that 93% of all New Year’s resolutions never see Groundhog Day. All in all, I think New Year’s resolutions are a good thing, what with people trying to quit things that aren’t good for them; smoking, or drinking, or huffing Draino.

The problem is that we’re creatures of habit. It’s a lot easier for us to get into a habit than to get out of it. How else do you explain Tyra Banks still having a TV show, or sales of pornographic material being through the roof in a “down” economy. So, every January 1st - New Years Day - we resolve to stop doing something we really enjoy doing. Our collective hearts are in the right place, centered securely in our mid-section, protected by a bunch of ribs.

But, did you know that New Year’s Day is celebrated on different dates by different cultures? The Chinese New Year, for example, is in February. And there’s a tribe in Borneo that celebrates the New Year on December 28th - just to get a jump on the rest of us. New Year’s Creep, I call it.

My point is that your odds of succeeding in quitting whatever it is you’re trying to quit aren’t increased one sliver of a percentage point because you choose January 1st to stop. You can stop on March 18th, or October 29th, or August 3rd. It really doesn’t matter. You can stop anytime you want. Or, you can’t. Either way, the day you pick to start trying is pretty insignificant.

So, what good is New Year’s Day then, you may be asking yourself. Simple. There are a lot of football games on, and most people don’t have to work that day.

More importantly, it’s a date which we use to demarcate our lives. You probably don’t remember the exact day you got your first bicycle, or had your first taco, or got served with your first restraining order. But, you probably remember the year. (In my case, it’s 1964, 1973, and - never mind.)

If you can see your life as a book, then each year is a page of that book. And every year, you turn a page. Until you get to the end. At which point you either start over at page one and read it again, or you loan the book to a friend, or you sell it on eBay.

But, we can’t do that with our lives. Once the book is finished, it’s finished. No reset button, no “do-overs”, no stuffing the toothpaste back into the tube. It’s done, finito.

So, that’s what a new year means to me. It’s the turning of a page. Of a book with an indeterminate number of pages. And, it’s one book in which you can’t cheat by reading the last page first. The page you just read is gone, committed to memory - if only for a time. The page you are about to read is a mystery. It is uncharted territory, a canvas on which we paint our hopes and dreams. Until it too becomes but a memory.

So, here’s hoping your next page is a masterpiece; a manifestation of your most coveted desires, your strongest yearnings, your most sought-after dreams. Here’s hoping your next page is better than your last.