25 Things You Absolutely Don't Need To Know About Me

As I'm sure all of you have heard by now, the latest Facebook flavor-of-the-week rage is a viral, chain-letter type list that members post of 25 random things about themselves. Which tells me two things: One, these people have way too much time on their hands, and two, as of last Thursday an estimated 5 million people have demonstrated that they sure do love themselves some themselves. I mean, seriously, can you think of 25 things about yourself that anyone other than your closest family and friends would give two hoots about? Unless you were a famous movie star, or the president of France or something? But, the thing that really grates my grits is that I haven't been "tagged" yet. And - I'm not about to sit around and wait for it to happen. So, without further ado, here are 25 things you absolutely don't need to know about me:

25. I have a subscription to the "Mayonnaise of the Month Club".
24. I like to go to Civil War re-enactments. Whenever there's a lull in the action I jump out from behind a tree and yell "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta KISS me".
23. I cried during Titanic. The opening credits.
22. Growing up, I would never eat Girl Scout cookies because I thought they had actual Girl Scouts in them.
21. I have a third nipple under my left arm. No wait, it's just a zit.
20. My 8th favorite Chinese food is Moo Goo Gui Pan.
19. Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm an undercover CIA agent, code-named Chainsaw. I go to the mall and furtively "tail" people at random until accosted by mall security.
18. I have a pair of silky black speedo-like underwear with a red devil on the front, which says "You devil!"
17. I couldn't pronounce Massachusetts until I was 11.
16. I still can't pronounce aluminuminuminum.
15. I can sometimes pick up AM radio stations with a filling in a molar.
14. I put ketchup on pancakes.
13. My head is 7% larger than it needs to be.
12. I run over squirrels with my car every chance I get.
11. I never cared who shot J.R. The bastard deserved it.
10. I sometimes gaze up at all the stars in the sky and wonder if NASA is just screwing with us.
9. I once owned a mutt named Peabody.
8. I like to do Jager shots from a squirt gun.
7. I collect 18th century Spanish coins. So far I have one.
6. I put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp, but I didn't put the ding in the rama-lama ding-dong.
5. As of this moment, I have $11.58 in my pocket.
4. Once, I laughed so hard that beer came out of my nose.
3. I was once denied entry to a ritzy, beachfront bar in Boca Raton, Florida.
2. I just don't get this new math.

And the number one thing you absolutely don't need to know about me:

1. I pee sitting down.