New TV Channels for 2009

Think there's nothing to watch on TV? Well, now there is! Here's a small sampling of the newest channels to grace the air - cable - satellite waves:


The Philodendron Network:
Featuring "Split-leaf vs. Heart-leafed" wherein panalists debate the particulars of the two varieties; "Potting With Pat", and the award-winning "The Philodendron Whisperer".


The Alcrapistan Network:
Now, millions of Alcrapistani-Americans can enjoy the sights and sounds of their far-off, pestilence-ridden homeland! Offerings include "Where's My Yak?", a game-show which gives contestants five minutes to find their yak, which has been hidden by the show's crew. If they're successful, they win big prizes! If not, they'll be stealing their neighbor's yak, for sure! Young, forbidden love between the son of a wealthy land baron and a destitute, prematurely arthritic turnip farmer who long for the day they are allowed to make eye-contact in public is featured in the pulse-pounding drama "I Have Not Bathed Since the Harvest". Finally, there's "Alcrapistan Tonight", a variety show featuring a re-cap of the days events, a stirring patriotic message from the Most Blessed Supreme Benevolent Ruler, and a stock market report on yak futures. Quality programming? You betcha!


The Dane Cook Network:
All Dane, all the time.


The PMS Network:
The network's editors have combed the archives of The Lifetime Network, We and Oxygen and found 137 movies which all feature a man being castrated by rusty garden shears. New this month: "Escape From Terror: The Ellen Elongovich Story", "Don't Look In The Utility Shed", and "Now, Where Did I Put Those Rusty Garden Shears?". Advertisers include Midol, Carefree, Haagan Dazs, and Home Depot.


The Mime Network:







The Insomniac Network:
Re-runs of "The Golden Girls", "Three's Company" and "Barney Miller" interspersed with infomercials for sleep aids. And lawyer ads. Lots and lots of lawyer ads.


The Crimean War Network:
Computer-aided reenactments and what if scenarios highlight the offerings on this much-maligned conflict. Programming is interrupted every hour, on the hour, for a reading of "The Charge of the Light Brigade" by Charlie Sheen.


The Remedial Math Network:
Shows include "Mr. Fraction and Ms. Decimal", "What Goes Into What?", and "Don't Get Short-Changed", a call-in show which allows viewers to call in and ask a panel of experts if they got the correct change from a financial transaction.


The ADD Network:
For people with short attention spans. No show longer than fifteen minutes. Featuring "No Repeat Tuesdays", "What Was I Saying?", and "An In-depth Analysis of- Hey, I Never Noticed That Before!".