10 or 11 Ways to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed

I was in a doctor's office waiting room the other day. Or, maybe I was getting my oil changed; I don't remember exactly. Anyway, there was one of those so-called "women's" magazines on the table there, and emblazoned across the cover was the caption 101 Ways to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed. So, I flipped over to page 238, and there in between an ad for laundry detergent and a scratch and sniff thingy for perfume was the article. I admit, I didn't read all the items, but I read enough to know that none - and I emphatically mean none of these suggestions would drive any man "wild" - unless he'd been marooned on a deserted island or something and hadn't actually seen, smelled, or touched a woman in several years. There were things like strip poker and making a bra out of Fruit Roll-ups and such. I checked the by-line, and sure enough - the article was written by a woman. Which is kind of like having a large-mouth bass write an article on the best fishing lures to use. I mean, the bass knows the best lures to use, but do you think he's going to tell anyone?

I hope the analogy isn't lost on the reader.

In any event, no one can stick with anything long enough to do 101 of anything, so following are 10 or 11 sure-fire, slam-dunk, lead-cinch-lock ways to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed:

* Wait until the night before he leaves town on a business trip. Tell him you're having your girlfriend over the following evening, you're staying in, and getting really, really drunk.
*Tell him you've been thinking about doing that thing he really wants you to do. And, you're going to have to think about it some more. A lot more.
*Tell him your girlfriend told you she did that thing he really wants you to do with her boyfriend, and she didn't like it.
*Eat corn chips. Loudly.
*Wear the sexiest lingerie you have to bed. When he notices, bolt upright and say "I feel like such a tramp".
*Practice the kazoo.
*Come to bed in a pair of frumpy flannel pajamas with your face covered in cold cream. Ask him if he's "up for it".
*Wear the sexiest lingerie you have to bed. When he notices, bolt upright and tell him you think your yeast infection is back.
*Wait until he's almost asleep and start humming Don't Worry, Be Happy under your breath.
*Tell him you've been thinking about doing that thing he really wants you to do, and you've decided you'll do it. But, before he can touch you, you burst into tears, run to the bathroom, slam the door loudly and sob uncontrollably until he's asleep.
*Wait until he's almost asleep and whisper in his ear that you've been having an affair with his boss, or brother, or best friend. When he bolts upright in bed, remind him he still hasn't fixed that leaky faucet.

Well ladies, there it is. No need to thank me; your satisfaction is my reward.