It's that time of year, television viewers! No, not Sweeps Week - that was last month. It's time for Summer Replacement Shows! Of course, Summer doesn't officially start for another few weeks, but - well, I'm sure the networks know what they're doing. In any event, I have the inside slant on this Summer's offerings:
So You Think You Can Churn Butter? (CBS)
Set in the Pennsylvania Amish country, teams are put to the test raising barns, shoeing horses, and shopping for frumpy aprons and Billy Jack hats. In the inaugural episode, tempers flare as Abigail accuses Constance of using a corked churn. Also, Bartholomew utters an expletive.
Let's Blow Something Up! (NBC)
Teams race against the clock - and each other - looking for the biggest, shiniest, most expensive thing to blow up. Controversy erupts when the judges rule that the Lexus, which was blown to bits by Team Kragen, was impressive, but not quite as expensive as the Starbucks which was disintegrated by Team Hostedler.
America's Got Balls! (ABC)
Teams compete in a game which is basically volleyball, but also borrows from rugby, tether-ball, and the children's game one-two-three-redlight. In the pilot episode, the US Women's Olympic Volleyball team take on a bunch of balding, alcoholic, has-been, former child stars. David Hasselhoff referees.
Medium Rare (FOX)
A man has a near-fatal accident which allows him to communicate with the dead. And, he likes his steaks medium rare. And, he has a rare blood type - AB positive or something.
CSI Tulsa (CBS)
America's heartland - seemingly tranquil and mind-numbingly boring on the surface - hides much more sinister deeds. Episode 1 finds Lieutenant Bradwurst hot on the tail of an ethanol-smuggling ring.
Pimp My Pimp (Bravo)
Roosevelt "Sugar Bear" Jackson - purveyor of pleasure in the Bedford-Sty section of New York City - gets a long overdue make-over, trading in his velvet overcoat and ostrich-skin shoes for some "really fly gear". LaWanda, Jackson's top-grossing lady of leisure croons: "He lookin' some kinda fine now".
Zup? (MTV)
A team of twenty-something wanna-be filmmakers, musicians and performance artists take to the streets of New York to find out zup?
Medium Well (ABC)
A man has a near-fatal accident which allows him to communicate with the dead. And, he likes his steaks medium well. And, he pauses and says "well" a lot.
Splat! (FOX)
Teams race against the clock - and each other - looking for the biggest, shiniest, most expensive thing to throw off the roof of a skyscraper. Controversy erupts when the judges rule that the 118 watermelons, which was thrown off the New York Times Tower by Team Miller, was impressive (and colorful), but not quite as expensive as the home gym which was tossed over the side of the Conde Nast Building by Team Riddengleck.
Dumpster-Diving With My Congressman (NBC)
Ordinary citizens team up with their congressmen to see who can find the most interesting object in a dumpster behind the White Stag Mall just outside Arlington, Virginia. Controversy erupts when - oh, just watch the show. It's on Mondays at nine. What else you going to do Mondays at nine?
Battle of the 80's Sitcom Stars (ABC)
People you thought were long dead compete in incredibly trite and unfathomably tedious pursuits. The pilot episode finds Tina Yothers (Family Ties) vs. Greg Evigan (My Two Dads) in a spirited tiddly-winks competition; Alan Thicke (Growing Pains) challenges Rhea Perlman (Cheers) to a game of shuffleboard.
So You Think You Can Churn Butter? (CBS)
Set in the Pennsylvania Amish country, teams are put to the test raising barns, shoeing horses, and shopping for frumpy aprons and Billy Jack hats. In the inaugural episode, tempers flare as Abigail accuses Constance of using a corked churn. Also, Bartholomew utters an expletive.
Let's Blow Something Up! (NBC)
Teams race against the clock - and each other - looking for the biggest, shiniest, most expensive thing to blow up. Controversy erupts when the judges rule that the Lexus, which was blown to bits by Team Kragen, was impressive, but not quite as expensive as the Starbucks which was disintegrated by Team Hostedler.
America's Got Balls! (ABC)
Teams compete in a game which is basically volleyball, but also borrows from rugby, tether-ball, and the children's game one-two-three-redlight. In the pilot episode, the US Women's Olympic Volleyball team take on a bunch of balding, alcoholic, has-been, former child stars. David Hasselhoff referees.
Medium Rare (FOX)
A man has a near-fatal accident which allows him to communicate with the dead. And, he likes his steaks medium rare. And, he has a rare blood type - AB positive or something.
CSI Tulsa (CBS)
America's heartland - seemingly tranquil and mind-numbingly boring on the surface - hides much more sinister deeds. Episode 1 finds Lieutenant Bradwurst hot on the tail of an ethanol-smuggling ring.
Pimp My Pimp (Bravo)
Roosevelt "Sugar Bear" Jackson - purveyor of pleasure in the Bedford-Sty section of New York City - gets a long overdue make-over, trading in his velvet overcoat and ostrich-skin shoes for some "really fly gear". LaWanda, Jackson's top-grossing lady of leisure croons: "He lookin' some kinda fine now".
Zup? (MTV)
A team of twenty-something wanna-be filmmakers, musicians and performance artists take to the streets of New York to find out zup?
Medium Well (ABC)
A man has a near-fatal accident which allows him to communicate with the dead. And, he likes his steaks medium well. And, he pauses and says "well" a lot.
Splat! (FOX)
Teams race against the clock - and each other - looking for the biggest, shiniest, most expensive thing to throw off the roof of a skyscraper. Controversy erupts when the judges rule that the 118 watermelons, which was thrown off the New York Times Tower by Team Miller, was impressive (and colorful), but not quite as expensive as the home gym which was tossed over the side of the Conde Nast Building by Team Riddengleck.
Dumpster-Diving With My Congressman (NBC)
Ordinary citizens team up with their congressmen to see who can find the most interesting object in a dumpster behind the White Stag Mall just outside Arlington, Virginia. Controversy erupts when - oh, just watch the show. It's on Mondays at nine. What else you going to do Mondays at nine?
Battle of the 80's Sitcom Stars (ABC)
People you thought were long dead compete in incredibly trite and unfathomably tedious pursuits. The pilot episode finds Tina Yothers (Family Ties) vs. Greg Evigan (My Two Dads) in a spirited tiddly-winks competition; Alan Thicke (Growing Pains) challenges Rhea Perlman (Cheers) to a game of shuffleboard.
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