Nation Awakens to Mysterious Aberration Called “Spring”

Washington, D.C. Millions of Americans, from Corvallis, Oregon to Owls Head, Maine awoke to a strange aberration this morning, many stumbling out of their homes, squinting and shielding their faces from an eerie glow. Emergency phone lines were jammed beyond capacity as callers reported a huge orb on the horizon, described as bright yellow in some parts of the country, to reddish-orange in others. Equally disturbing were reports of greenish vegetation where previously there was only snow and ice.

A White House spokesman addressed the nation in a hastily convened news conference, calling for calm while the government gathers data on this anomaly, and assured citizens that the military, along with Homeland Security, were “on top of” the situation.

“My igloo is gone,” lamented 11 year old Jordan Pheifer, of Danbury, Connecticut. “I was playing in it yesterday, and now it’s all gone”, he continued, before running inside where he was consoled by his Mother. Mrs. Pheifer confirmed that there was in fact an igloo in the family‘s backyard, measuring some 12 feet in diameter with walls a foot thick. “We built it back in early January. How could it have just vanished overnight?”

With much of the nation subjected to record snowfall amounts over the previous months, the sight of the huge glowing orb - which NOAA meteorologist Thad Peterssen confirmed was actually a star called “the sun” - caused considerable confusion, fear, and in at least a few cases - injury.

“I was working up near Emory, just off (interstate highway) eighty”, reported highway maintenance worker Mike Lamont. “Right after lunch, I noticed a prickly sensation on my face and forearms. Then Jake, my supervisor, said I was looking kind of pinkish. That was all I needed to hear.” Mr. Lamont was rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment, where it was determined that he was suffering from a mild case of something called a “sunburn”.

“It’s been a rough Winter for most for the country, and it appears many Americans have totally forgotten there are other seasons”, continued meteorologist Peterssen. He then noted that the phenomenon the nation was observing was simply the first day of a season called “Spring”.