The Point System

I’m going out on a limb here and assuming everyone has heard of the three stages of marriage.  Modesty prevents me from disclosing them in detail, but in stage one, the newlyweds “get busy” all over the house.  In stage two, they only get busy in the bedroom, and in stage three they utter an expletive involving carnal knowledge to each other as they pass in the hallway.

 

Personally, I don’t think a marriage should be doomed to regress in this manner, so I set out to determine exactly what precedes this degeneration. And what I found out is this: Just about any and everything.

That’s right.  That woman you reckoned an angel from above when you first met has since sprouted horns and now conjures the scent of brimstone when she enters the room.  Your knight in shining armor has morphed into a cross between that one stock boy at the Sav-a-Lot that leers at you while you pick through the zucchini, and Gary Busey.

So, if you’re married and want to keep the flames burning, my advice to the ladies is simple.  Men want three things: Food, sports, and “getting busy”.

My advice to the men is a little more complicated.  If you want that third requirement, you must understand the point system.  Here’s how it works: When you awake in the morning (or afternoon, whatever the case) you get 100 points.  If you make it thru the day and retain even a single point as evening arrives, you will likely get some “busyness”.  But alas, there’s a catch.  And that is: just about everything that’s in a man’s nature to do will cost him points.  Yep, just about everything.

Fortunately, there are a handful of things that will actually accrue more points.  Flowers, for example will get you 25 points or so, more if it’s not a special occasion.  Those “just because” flowers will typically fetch 35 to 50.  An hour of housework (without being asked) will add at least 15 points to your coffers, and an act as simple as asking how her day was will ring up another few.

But, most everything you do will cause your stack to dwindle.  Through the use of complex algorithms, I’ve determined the most common point killers.  You should probably take notes.

Forgetting birthday or anniversary – minus 250 points
Forgetting her name - minus 1000 points
Calling her by your ex-girlfriend’s name - minus 5000 points
Taking her to the monster truck show and shot-gunning a six pack in the parking lot – minus 75 points
Getting caught looking at another woman – minus 100 points
Getting caught thinking about looking at another woman – minus 10 points
Leaving your dirty underwear hanging on the bathroom doorknob – minus 25 points
Asking her if she’s gained weight – minus 100 points
Asking her if her girlfriend has lost weight – minus 500 points
Asking her if her girlfriend has had a “boob job” – minus 1500 points
Asking her if her girlfriend has ever mentioned having a ménage à trois – minus 10,000 points
Tapping foot waiting for her to get ready – minus 1 point per tap
Blowing off the neighborhood barbeque to play golf – minus 50 points
Blowing off her promotion party to play golf – minus 250 points
Blowing off the birth of your first child to play golf – minus 1,000,000 points
Playing golf - minus 20 points per hour
Making snide comments, yawning, and sarcastically aping the dialog in her chick flick - minus 15 points
Downloading photos of Kate Upton to your phone – minus 10 points per photo
Getting drunk at her high school reunion and throwing up in the tri-color rotini – minus 500 points
Referring to her Mother as “that wine-swilling, Xanax popping witch” – minus 666 points
Cleaning out saving account to invest in that topless car wash your cousin is starting – minus 25,000 points
Slapping her on the behind and pointing to your watch – loss of all points accrued that day

So, my advice guys is to buy a calculator, and keep it handy.