Study Reveals Americans “Fed Up With This Crap”

Knoxville TN – A study released today by the University of Tennessee has confirmed that Americans from coast to coast are “up to their eyeballs with this nonsense” and “don’t know how much more they’re supposed to take”.

“It’s been bad before”, reported Hillsboro Beach, Florida boardwalk concessionaire Sid Bosworth, “but not like this.”  That sentiment was echoed by Racine, Wisconsin clothing store manager Shelia McDormand, who added, “It’s just a shame, a crying shame”, before briskly walking away, her head shaking contemptuously.

“If something doesn’t change soon, I don’t know what I’m going to do”, retired school teacher Lois Elderbridge of Mesa, Arizona offered soberly.  “I mean - Jesus, Mary and Joseph – when does it stop?”

The report went on to say that 46% of Americans are “about to blow a gasket over this”, and 39% have “a thing or two to say about the situation”.  A staggering 81% insisted “somebody needs to do something – like, right now”.

“I told them.  I told them this would happen”, an animated Lawrence “Bucky” Barber said, stepping into his eighteen-wheeler at a truck stop outside Salem, Oregon.  “But did they listen?”

University of Tennessee spokesperson Amber Kernan suggested the findings are not surprising.  “If one looks at the current situation from the perspective of the average person, one would have to surmise that this pretty much blows.”

In related news, sources reported that several residents of Warrensburg, Missouri would be “very interested in knowing” when the city is going to get around to fixing that “ding-dong pothole” at the intersection of Third and Addison, and at least one Goshen, New York resident wants to know where you can get a decent calzone at this hour.

Microwave Dinner Still Cold in Middle

Upper Darby PA – Snatching the box from the counter for the third time, a very disgruntled Brandt Chisling reported today that while he had followed the directions faithfully, his microwave dinner was still not sufficiently heated in the center.

“Cut and remove film cover over potatoes”, he muttered.  “Check.  Four minutes on high.  Did that.  But there’s clearly no steam rising from the middle section”, he continued, tossing the box on the countertop, his frustration apparent.

“Wouldn’t you think they’d at least test the directions before they put them on the box?”

Sources reported that Chisling had gone so far as to verify his microwave‘s wattage rating was within the specified range, and even placed the frozen Salisbury steak meal on a microwave safe plate.

“Isn’t that what microwaves are supposed to do?  Cook everything uniformly?  I don’t have this problem with pizza rolls or taquitos.  Jeez.”

 
At press time Chisling had reportedly spun the Salisbury steak patty horizontally, and stirred the potatoes and corn before returning the dinner to the oven for an additional two minutes.