The obsession with
footwear
To
your average man, shoes are just another article of clothing; something we’re
forced to replace every few years or so.
But to women, shoes have transcended the role of accessory and attained
an almost sacred status in their hearts.
No, shoes are not simply something women slip into so they don’t have to
walk around barefoot; they are to be revered.
As much as I have tried to make sense of this phenomenon, I cannot bring
myself to comprehend how a woman will experience a metaphysical state of bliss upon
stumbling onto a pair of “the sweetest suede clogs you ever saw”. Which cannot be worn when it’s raining. And, they were on sale for only $175.
The “Bad Boy”
attraction
As
a commercial that ran awhile back stated: “People do stupid things”. And we do; all of us. But I will never understand why a reasonably
intelligent woman will allow a man into her life whom - based on his track record - she knows in advance will eventually lie
to her, cheat on her, run her car into the ditch behind the Quik-E-Mart, then
call her at 3:00 am to bail him out of the drunk tank. And no, if he really loved you he wouldn’t act like a spoiled, irresponsible
nine-year-old. And yes, people can
change, they just almost never do.
The size of the purse
is directly proportional to the odds of losing something
It
goes like this: She pulls up in front of
the bar, or restaurant, or friend’s house.
If the purse is smaller than your average Shih Tzu, she’ll take it with
her. Otherwise she’ll think, “Oh, I’ll
just take my keys. And my phone. And my charger. And my sunglasses. And a tampon – just in case. And my mascara. And some breath mints. And maybe eyeliner. And a lint roller. And another tampon – just in case. And this copy of Luckiest Girl Alive. And my
tweezers. And this single-pole,
double-throw industrial strength lockout switch.” So, they stumble into wherever they’re going
– arms overflowing with this stuff – and the odds of remembering it all upon
leaving are about the same as my winning a Pulitzer Prize.
The loftiest
adjective they can assign to any object is “cute”
Women
will plot, scheme, spend the rent money and even fight one another over
something – and I mean anything – they
deem is cute. It could be a portrait frame, a candle holder,
ceramic figurines of Danny and Sandy from the movie Grease. Doesn’t matter. If
it’s cute its worth is incalculable.
The cattiness
I
admit I’ve been somewhat envious of some of the guys I’ve known over the
years. The “chiseled Adonis” that I
suspected all the women secretly desired; the jock, with their athletic
prowess; the “regular Joe” that women all seemed to adore; the “hit me up when
you leave the club” type that never had to lift a finger to get women. But you ladies – you just can’t stand it when you think another woman
is a little hotter, or thinner, or more popular than you. You should know that underneath the make-up
and false eyelashes her insecurity is just as real as yours, her fear of rejection
just as palpable, her tears just as salty. If not more so. So, stop it already.
Well,
that’s it. Next week: How to Sleep Comfortably
on a Sofa
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