Congress Proclaims Monopoly Money Legal Tender

Washington, D.C. - Having proven themselves utterly incompetent to solve the budget crisis, lower unemployment, or successfully complete any task more complex than tossing the car keys to a valet at some exclusive Bethesda nightclub, the elected representatives of the United States of America’s federal government have had a collective “hit the mascot between the eyes” epiphany and declared the currency of a popular board game to be equal to real, actual money.

Michigan Senator Carl Levin made the announcement, having won the honor by beating out two other senators or representatives or something in a marathon best-of-seven game of rock - paper - scissors.

“You heard right“, a beaming Levin said from the Capitol steps. “As of this moment every American household with a Monopoly game set is $15,140 richer. Unless they’ve lost some of the money. But - even then - they’re richer than when they woke up this morning”.

The news sent millions of Americans scrambling to their attics, basements, and junk drawers in search of the multi-colored currency, which until today was synonymous with worthlessness.

For now, it appears the big winner is 27 year old Brandon Goforth, a part-time Wal-Mart employee from Norman, Oklahoma. “I totally snagged 19 sets off the floor before anyone knew what was happening. I’ve got, like, a million dollars or something.” Goforth, who admits he was never that good at math, said he intends to pay off his 2009 Kia Rio, then “dive into some serious off-the-hook swag”.

When asked how much this influx of faux loot would further weaken the already anemic dollar, Levin referred questions to congressional page Seth Dunleavy who reported it was “somewhere North” of 25%. When asked to elaborate, Dunleavy pointed at a reporter‘s shoes. “Those Kenneth Coles you plunked down one-twenty for will cost $350 tomorrow”.

At the urging of President Obama, who was reportedly “more than a little interested” in learning how this legislation got passed without his knowledge, Hasbro has agreed to add the inscription “non-negotiable” to the game’s banknotes going forward.