Don’t ever put your
phone down
Whether
at the drive-thru at Whammy Burger,
or about to give the Best Man speech at your college buddy’s wedding, you make
sure that phone is slapped upside your big, goofy head - or your nose is buried
in it. People giving you that irritated
look? Too bad. Exaggerated throat-clearing from every
direction? Ignore it. Don’t you put that phone down for anything short of a good tasering.
Get louder with every
drink
Out
for a few brews with the guys? Well you
grab that volume control and yank it clockwise with every round, until by
evening’s end you’re louder than an Orca whale with a toothache slamming head-first
into a jetty during mating season.
Know everything about
everything
No
matter the topic, you’ve been there, done that, and bought the proverbial
t-shirt. Friend having potty-training
issues with her youngest? You look her
right in the eye and let her know in no uncertain terms, she’s doing it all wrong. Co-worker planning a camping trip? Well you make indubitably sure everyone knows
you wrote the book on camping. From the best insect repellent to the correct
way to pitch a tent on a slope, you are The
King of Camping.
Be habitually late
Look,
no one actually expects you to be on
time anyway. So you show up at 10:47
when you were supposed to be there at 9?
Nothing says “my time is valuable, yours not so much” like being a few
minutes late. Or an hour. Or two.
Tell the same
anecdotes repeatedly
If
you’re not absolutely positive
everyone within earshot has heard about you rolling your Volkswagen Golf during
Spring Break, you relate the experience in
excruciating detail, with particular emphasis on the sensation of being
inverted, and how you required 16 stitches on your left forearm. And how you still have the rear-view mirror
in a drawer somewhere. Or maybe it’s in
a closet.
Write pompous “how
to” articles
Insert
slow clap emoticon here.
Posts
