“Thanks
you guys”, the 39-year-old single mother of two managed to stammer afterwards,
as a single tear formed, more a result of four Jose Cuervo shots and three Bud
Light Lime beers than a sincere display of emotion.
“You
guys are awesome. Really”, she
continued, steadying herself as she struggled to maintain her balance against a
pillar adorned with Dollar Tree holiday lights, a happy hour specials menu, and
a Michelob Ultra advertisement. “You’re
like… totally awesome”.
“At
least I didn’t have to hear the cornball ‘and many more’ this time”, grumbled
bartender and owner Mitch McCleary as he wiped down the bar before the revelers
returned like pigs to a trough. “And no
one tried to spank her, so there’s that”, he continued, flipping the TV behind
the bar to a boxing match. “Usually
somebody wants to smack some ass”, he added, his voice fading to a whisper.
Staples
then proceeded to hug all the other attendees, including an obviously off-put
woman who’d never so much as laid eyes on the birthday girl and was simply
returning from using the ladies room.
“She’s
this trashed for her thirty-ninth? I
shudder to think what she’ll be like next year”, the woman uttered, shaking her
head and pulling from Cindy’s drunken embrace.
At
press time, it was reported that Staples and several other patrons had been seemingly
launched onto their feet, hands sky-rocketing upward, their voices conjoined in
a staccato “oh, oh, OHHH!” as the opening strains of This Is How We Do It blared from the stereo.
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