“Driven by ever increasing competition and mounting
operational expenses, we feel that these measures are imperative to remaining solvent
and viable”, Gustafsen stated in a message on the company’s intranet.
“Oh, look”, Account Professional Lydia Gleeson stated
sarcastically pointing to a mouse pad bearing the inscription: “You Rock!” in
glitter. “It’s my four year anniversary,
and this is what I get. Last year it was
a paltry two percent raise, but still”.
“There goes my gym membership I guess”, she said, shaking
her head.
Other awards included a coffee mug bearing the epigrammatic
dictum “You’re the cream of the company!” and an embroidered key-shaped desk
sign with the kitschy adage “Our employees are the key to our success!”
“Eleven years”, lamented Senior Account Manager Bill Ogden,
“and they have the nerve to give me a tee shirt with the company logo and my
name in stenciled block letters. That’s
it. Eleven years.”
“It’s not even my size.”
Gustafsen
was unavailable for comment at press time, as he and his pithy but voluptuous “personal
assistant” Cassandra Milagro were headed to the airport where his private jet waited
to whisk them to a “business meeting” in Cabo San Lucas.
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