Racine, WI – Perched on a kitchen chair, a dizzying array of Gantt and fishbone charts taped to the wall behind him, 32 year old mortgage consultant Craig Degraw shared his vision of the future: a wire, or coat hanger shortage.
“It just makes sense”, he reported to local news correspondent Hillary Broadnax via Zoom. “First it was toilet paper and hand sanitizer, then masks, then meat. How long do you think it’ll be before Americans realize how valuable these babies are”, he continued, waving a gleaming example in front of his laptop camera.
“Just think of the ways you can use them. You can make flower pots and fruit baskets with them. Once unassembled, you can bind a person’s hands behind their back in case they break in to steal your Clorox wipes and potted meat. You can use them as skewers if you want to make sad little smores on your stovetop. You could use one to pop the lock out of someone’s door in case you want to break in and steal their gloves and beef jerky.”
“Yeah, that’s Craig”, reported Degraw’s sister Cyndi Fauxwiller when asked for comment, “he’s not taking this thing too well. He’s got, like, a few thousand stashed in his basement. Every time I talk to him he’s like, “how you doing on wire hangers there?” It’s sad. He’s a sad, sad man right now.”
Degraw continued to delineate his version of society’s descent into utter chaos. He surmised that stretch pants, multivitamins, and frozen burritos would be the next items to disappear from shelves, followed by doorbell cams, tube socks, and Pringles.
At press time Degraw was reportedly checking Amazon for the expected arrival date of his latest order of an additional six “fifty packs”.
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