The Seven Greatest Inventions in the History of Humankind

I read somewhere that someone has decided to come up with a list of the so-called "new seven wonders of the world". These were voted on by an estimated 100 million people (or almost twice as many as last season's American Idol finale) and the winners announced earlier this month. I don't have a complete list in front of me, but suffice to say neither the World's Largest Ball of String or Rocky Balboa's athletic supporter made the final cut. These things have turned into such total beauty pageants if you ask me.

In any event, this got me to thinking: wonder, schmunder, what are the greatest inventions of all time? I mean things that someone actually had to think of, and maybe even sketch on a papyrus, or the back of a Taco Bell bag.

So, I decided to compile my own list. My criteria was simple: I started with 206,817 things and eliminated them one by one. Just a few that didn't make the final cut include the iPod, penicillin, guacamole dip, Super Soakers, and fingernail clippers. (I know, that one barely missed.)

But, I wanted to keep the list manageable (and who really wants to read The 206,817 Greatest Inventions in the History of Humankind), so here we go:

7. Microwave Oven - Ever tried to re-heat mashed potatoes in a pan on the stovetop? Good luck.

6. Legos - I have it on good authority that someone built a 1:124 replica of the U.S.S. Enterprise out of Legos. Not only does it float, it was also 2.7 million dollars over budget!

5. Zip-lock Baggies - This was an easy choice. Think about it. They're light, they're cheap, they're air-tight, and you can store enough leftovers in a single quart-sized zip-lock bag to feed 1.75 moderately hungry people. Let's see someone top that.

4. Mass Spectrometer - Okay, I admit, I have no idea what a mass spectrometer does, but the name is just so cool. Like something out of a 1950's science-fiction movie.

3. Ice Cube Tray - Ever wonder why some people call refrigerators iceboxes? Because in the early days, that's pretty much what they were. Big, ugly boxes that sat in the corner of your kitchen with a compartment underneath where you'd put a big block of ice. If you wanted a cold drink you'd have to put it in the icebox and wait. And wait. And wait. Til it was cold enough to drink. Then, the ice cube tray was invented. The early ones were metal and had a big handle running down the middle. You'd pull the handle, and one of two things would happen: absolutely nothing, or an ice cube explosion with cubes flying everywhere, most of which wound up on the floor. But, you'd salvage a few, and within minutes your drink would be cold. Or at least colder than it would be otherwise.

2. Velcro - You know you love Velcro.

1. Pocket T-shirt - Originally, all t-shirts were white and sleeveless, what some people call "wife-beaters". I prefer to not use that term, as I've found some wife-beaters find it offensive. Eventually sleeves were added, and many years later someone had the brilliant idea of adding a pocket. A t-shirt. With a pocket. You could put things into the pocket. A comb, a photograph, a bean burrito. And, now they come in different colors. You could actually wear a different colored pocket t-shirt every day of the week, and two on Sunday, and still not run out of colors. You can wear them while doing yard work, or running errands, or pretending to do yard work. You can wear them as pajama tops, or something to throw on when the doorbell rings. The possibilities are endless. And, the absolute greatest thing about the absolute greatest invention in the history of humankind is that they cost about the same as a pound of cheddar cheese.

Well, that's it for now, but coming up next month: The Seven Greatest Inventions Sold Exclusively on Infomercials on Cable TV Between the Hours of Ten PM and Four AM.