What's that you say? You can't afford to do fun stuff anymore? No golf weekend in Myrtle Beach this year? No Bahamas cruise? Had to sell your week at the timeshare in the Poconos? Well, would you like some cheese with that whine? Don't fret, for I have come up with some - we'll call them alternative ways - to have a bang-up time! On the cheap. Real cheap.
Practical Jokes
Everybody loves a practical joke! Well, except maybe the person being pranked. But, they usually get over it. Eventually. The thing is, you have to keep it fresh. Things like putting shaving cream in a sleeping person's hand then tickling their nose, or jumping out of a big appliance box are so last century. One of my favorite things to do is call someone from a pay phone (yes they still have them!) and pretend to be a deejay from a local radio station. I tell them they've won big prizes, but - they only have nine minutes and 37 seconds to get to the station to claim them (or 10 minutes and 5 seconds, depending on the frequency of the station). Then, I go to the station and wait for them to come sliding into the parking lot sideways, jump out of the car (forgetting to put it into gear the time before last), and run inside. The only thing is, you don't want to be rolling on the ground laughing when they come out, spitting and snarling, and ready to actually hurt someone. I learned that the hard way!
Spying on Your Neighbors
The best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's cheap. You can pick up a serviceable pair of binoculars on Ebay for $6.55, plus shipping and handling. The second best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's easy! All you need is a morbid curiousity and no respect whatsoever for other people's privacy. I kind of fell into it by accident. You know, a curtain left open here, an "intimate" conversation overheard while crouched underneath a bedroom window there. Dressed in flat black.
The Public Library
Hah! Not one person - in all of recorded history - has ever had anything approaching fun in a public library. I just threw that one in to see if you were paying attention.
Falling on the Floor at Dennys
Is an artform. Really. I've seen it all. The "tripping on the rug in the lobby" ploy, the "sliding through the oilslick near the kitchen" gambit, even the "falling backwards off the little mushroom stool" tactic. And the thing is, the thing that'll really sell it is: Sincerity. You have to actually believe you're the victim, and not just some schmuck trying to get a free Moon Over My Hammy.
Housesitting
It used to be that housesitting was something you only did because a friend asked you, and you felt obligated {whiny}, and there was no one else to do it {even whinier}, and the plants will die blah blah this and someone will break in blah blah that. Not now. Not anymore. Now you pray to be asked to housesit. Why? Because for one week you get to pretend to live somewhere else! I mean, have you been watching the news? Whereever you're living now is probably where you'll die! You'll never qualify for a mortgage - even if your credit scores are through the roof, you have 60% to put down, and your uncle has - how should I put it - a vested interest in the mortgage company. Not gonna happen. But - when you housesit - for one week, you get to watch someone else's TV (from their sofa), sleep in someone else's bed, and rummage through someone else's medicine cabinet. I actually have an ad on Craigslist offering to housesit anyone within a 150 mile radius as long as they have Direct TV and a queen-sized or larger bed. And no more than four houseplants.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tiger Woods “Sorry”
Ponte Vedra Beach, FL - At one of the most anticipated press conferences in years, and before a hand-picked audience, a visibly shaken Tiger Woods inched to the microphone and uttered but one word: “Sorry”, he said, then cleared his throat nervously and stepped backward, his head bowed slightly.
As the attendees were notified well in advance that there would be no questions, there followed several minutes of awkward silence, punctuated only by an occasional nervous cough, or a shifting of an attendee in their seats. The phenom professional golfer and much sought-after pitchman just stood there, hands by his side, staring blankly off to a far corner of the room.
Finally, about 17 minutes into the “press conference”, Mr. Woods again cleared his throat, stepped back to the microphone and added, “very sorry. What I mean is, I’m very sorry for… everything”. He then mumbled something under his breath about Buick being an “old fart’s ride anyway”, glanced at his watch, then launched into a hearty, full-throated rendition of The Way You Look Tonight, before hurriedly exiting the room.
As the attendees were notified well in advance that there would be no questions, there followed several minutes of awkward silence, punctuated only by an occasional nervous cough, or a shifting of an attendee in their seats. The phenom professional golfer and much sought-after pitchman just stood there, hands by his side, staring blankly off to a far corner of the room.
Finally, about 17 minutes into the “press conference”, Mr. Woods again cleared his throat, stepped back to the microphone and added, “very sorry. What I mean is, I’m very sorry for… everything”. He then mumbled something under his breath about Buick being an “old fart’s ride anyway”, glanced at his watch, then launched into a hearty, full-throated rendition of The Way You Look Tonight, before hurriedly exiting the room.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Is It 2010, or 1984?
I made the mistake of watching a few minutes of “the news” earlier, and was once again treated to a sampling of what I like to call “ignorance gone to seed”. Long story short, some guy has decided that we as a society eat too much, and eat things that are not healthy for us. So, he has decided that the best way to stop this is to increase the tax on “unhealthy” foods.
I say we erect a statue in his honor.
This man has single-handedly taken on the challenge of saving us from ourselves. How noble! How altruistic! He knows what’s best for you and I!
Well, I have a message for this man, whomever he is: Mind your own business. If you want to eat tofu and bean sprouts, go right ahead. But you do not have the right to tell me what I can and cannot eat (or to artificially inflate the price of a free-market commodity in an attempt to dissuade me from partaking). If I choose to balloon up to 400 lbs., what business is it if yours, anyway? It’s my life. I can make my own decisions, thank you, and your opinion is neither solicited or appreciated.
It seems these days someone is always trying to save us from ourselves. Many of our “elected officials” have decided that no one should be allowed to smoke cigarettes in restaurants and bars. In Virginia, the law took effect last December. A certain politician reputedly referred to the introduction of the law as a “stroke of genius”.
So - just to get this straight in my own head - the decision to tell a bar or restaurant owner, who often puts in 12 - 14 hour days, and has invested his life’s savings into his venture, that he cannot allow his patrons to use a substance which is completely legal in his establishment, is a “stroke of genius”?
No, it’s not a “stroke of genius”; it’s authoritarianism. It’s Big Brother “protecting us from ourselves”.
Many politicians, in pushing smoking bans, have made the point that employees of the establishment have the right to work in a smoke-free environment. And, they do. But, 50% or more of the bars and restaurants in Virginia had already voluntarily gone smoke-free. They came to the determination all by themselves, without any government interference. Without Big Brother making their decisions for them.
Some non-smokers have hailed the move, as they prefer to not be subjected to cigarette smoke while they dine. And I completely understand why they wouldn’t. To those people I ask: what’s going to happen when the same legislators decide you shouldn’t be able to have an alcoholic beverage with your dinner? Or, that you shouldn’t have red meat? Or dessert? Or, anything else that they determine is “bad” for you?
So-called “blue laws” have also been in the news lately. Those are laws which basically say you cannot buy this or that between such-and-such hours on such-and-such days. Some years back, there were places you could not buy gasoline for your car before noon on Sunday’s. Because you were supposed to be in church on Sunday mornings, not out gallivanting around the countryside. Here we have an example of Big Brother keeping your feet on the straight-and-narrow. Can I get an Amen!
The older I get, the more Libertarian I become. The more I appreciate my freedoms, my right to make my own decisions, whether “good” or “bad” in some bureaucrat’s eyes, and the more I long for a government which is truly “of the people, by the people, and for the people”, and not one comprised mostly of millionaire ex-lawyers living in their ivory towers and dictating morality to us.
Finally, if you’ve never read George Orwell’s 1984, I highly recommend it. It’s the story of what happens when a society allows their government to do whatever the government thinks is best; to protect the citizens from themselves.
Doubleplusgood.
I say we erect a statue in his honor.
This man has single-handedly taken on the challenge of saving us from ourselves. How noble! How altruistic! He knows what’s best for you and I!
Well, I have a message for this man, whomever he is: Mind your own business. If you want to eat tofu and bean sprouts, go right ahead. But you do not have the right to tell me what I can and cannot eat (or to artificially inflate the price of a free-market commodity in an attempt to dissuade me from partaking). If I choose to balloon up to 400 lbs., what business is it if yours, anyway? It’s my life. I can make my own decisions, thank you, and your opinion is neither solicited or appreciated.
It seems these days someone is always trying to save us from ourselves. Many of our “elected officials” have decided that no one should be allowed to smoke cigarettes in restaurants and bars. In Virginia, the law took effect last December. A certain politician reputedly referred to the introduction of the law as a “stroke of genius”.
So - just to get this straight in my own head - the decision to tell a bar or restaurant owner, who often puts in 12 - 14 hour days, and has invested his life’s savings into his venture, that he cannot allow his patrons to use a substance which is completely legal in his establishment, is a “stroke of genius”?
No, it’s not a “stroke of genius”; it’s authoritarianism. It’s Big Brother “protecting us from ourselves”.
Many politicians, in pushing smoking bans, have made the point that employees of the establishment have the right to work in a smoke-free environment. And, they do. But, 50% or more of the bars and restaurants in Virginia had already voluntarily gone smoke-free. They came to the determination all by themselves, without any government interference. Without Big Brother making their decisions for them.
Some non-smokers have hailed the move, as they prefer to not be subjected to cigarette smoke while they dine. And I completely understand why they wouldn’t. To those people I ask: what’s going to happen when the same legislators decide you shouldn’t be able to have an alcoholic beverage with your dinner? Or, that you shouldn’t have red meat? Or dessert? Or, anything else that they determine is “bad” for you?
So-called “blue laws” have also been in the news lately. Those are laws which basically say you cannot buy this or that between such-and-such hours on such-and-such days. Some years back, there were places you could not buy gasoline for your car before noon on Sunday’s. Because you were supposed to be in church on Sunday mornings, not out gallivanting around the countryside. Here we have an example of Big Brother keeping your feet on the straight-and-narrow. Can I get an Amen!
The older I get, the more Libertarian I become. The more I appreciate my freedoms, my right to make my own decisions, whether “good” or “bad” in some bureaucrat’s eyes, and the more I long for a government which is truly “of the people, by the people, and for the people”, and not one comprised mostly of millionaire ex-lawyers living in their ivory towers and dictating morality to us.
Finally, if you’ve never read George Orwell’s 1984, I highly recommend it. It’s the story of what happens when a society allows their government to do whatever the government thinks is best; to protect the citizens from themselves.
Doubleplusgood.
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