Fun on the Cheap

What's that you say? You can't afford to do fun stuff anymore? No golf weekend in Myrtle Beach this year? No Bahamas cruise? Had to sell your week at the timeshare in the Poconos? Well, would you like some cheese with that whine? Don't fret, for I have come up with some - we'll call them alternative ways - to have a bang-up time! On the cheap. Real cheap.


Practical Jokes


Everybody loves a practical joke! Well, except maybe the person being pranked. But, they usually get over it. Eventually. The thing is, you have to keep it fresh. Things like putting shaving cream in a sleeping person's hand then tickling their nose, or jumping out of a big appliance box are so last century. One of my favorite things to do is call someone from a pay phone (yes they still have them!) and pretend to be a deejay from a local radio station. I tell them they've won big prizes, but - they only have nine minutes and 37 seconds to get to the station to claim them (or 10 minutes and 5 seconds, depending on the frequency of the station). Then, I go to the station and wait for them to come sliding into the parking lot sideways, jump out of the car (forgetting to put it into gear the time before last), and run inside. The only thing is, you don't want to be rolling on the ground laughing when they come out, spitting and snarling, and ready to actually hurt someone. I learned that the hard way!

 Spying on Your Neighbors


The best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's cheap. You can pick up a serviceable pair of binoculars on Ebay for $6.55, plus shipping and handling. The second best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's easy! All you need is a morbid curiousity and no respect whatsoever for other people's privacy. I kind of fell into it by accident. You know, a curtain left open here, an "intimate" conversation overheard while crouched underneath a bedroom window there. Dressed in flat black.

The Public Library


Hah! Not one person - in all of recorded history - has ever had anything approaching fun in a public library. I just threw that one in to see if you were paying attention.

Falling on the Floor at Dennys


Is an artform. Really. I've seen it all. The "tripping on the rug in the lobby" ploy, the "sliding through the oilslick near the kitchen" gambit, even the "falling backwards off the little mushroom stool" tactic. And the thing is, the thing that'll really sell it is: Sincerity. You have to actually believe you're the victim, and not just some schmuck trying to get a free Moon Over My Hammy.

Housesitting


It used to be that housesitting was something you only did because a friend asked you, and you felt obligated {whiny}, and there was no one else to do it {even whinier}, and the plants will die blah blah this and someone will break in blah blah that. Not now. Not anymore. Now you pray to be asked to housesit. Why? Because for one week you get to pretend to live somewhere else! I mean, have you been watching the news? Whereever you're living now is probably where you'll die! You'll never qualify for a mortgage - even if your credit scores are through the roof, you have 60% to put down, and your uncle has - how should I put it - a vested interest in the mortgage company. Not gonna happen. But - when you housesit - for one week, you get to watch someone else's TV (from their sofa), sleep in someone else's bed, and rummage through someone else's medicine cabinet. I actually have an ad on Craigslist offering to housesit anyone within a 150 mile radius as long as they have Direct TV and a queen-sized or larger bed. And no more than four houseplants.