Driving While Stupid: The Graduate Course

Some time back I published an article called A Beginner’s Guide to DWS (Driving While Stupid).  Apparently the article struck a chord, because I’ve noticed more and more of you are driving more and more stupid every day.  Thanks!

But, I get the sense that some of you want to ratchet it up a notch, take it to the next level, so to speak.  So, I’ve come up with the Driving While Stupid Graduate Course:

Wait until the last second to pull out into traffic

Not until you can see the terror in the eyes of the on-coming drivers.

Don’t ever change lanes

Turning left seven or eight miles up the road?  Well, you get into that left lane and don’t move for anything.

Or, change lanes every nine seconds

Just because you can.

Don’t ever use your mirrors

Mirrors are for sissies.

If you absolutely must use your turn signal, wait until you come to a screeching halt before applying

Then, don’t turn it off.

Master the art of extreme tail-gating

The aerodynamic effect will improve gas mileage.

Scream obscenities out the window for no apparent reason

Major moto-cred.

Drag the brakes

As long as that left big toe is resting on the brake pad, other drivers will have no idea when you’re actually going to stop.

Drive it like you stole it

It’s not just a kitschy t-shirt slogan.

New Facebook Likes

As I’m sure most of you have heard, the ubiquitous social networking site Facebook has made several “improvements” lately, the bulk of which have caused significant consternation and aggravation among its users.  Every now and then however, they’ll introduce something the users actually want.  Such was the case recently, as Facebook has – inexplicably – introduced new levels of “liking” something:

Classic like: I support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said.

Marginal like: I pretty much support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said, but I don’t feel like hashing out the finer points.

Lazy like: I pretty much support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said, but I didn’t read your entire post.  Or much of it at all.

Back-handed like: I “liked” your post because you said your life is stagnant drivel, or that you are pretty much a failure as a living, breathing organism.

Mindless like: I have no idea what you actually posted, but it got a bunch of likes already, so I’m going to like it too.

Obligatory like:  I have no idea what you actually posted, but I haven’t liked any of your posts lately, and I don’t want you to hate me.

Reciprocal like:  I have no idea what you actually posted, but you liked my last post, so I’m returning the favor.

Ulterior motive like: I have no idea what you actually posted, but your profile pic is cute and I want you to message me.

Most recent post like: I just logged on and there you were.

Guilt like: I haven’t “liked” anyone’s posts in months.

Belated like: Yes, I realize this thread has been dormant for three and a half weeks now.  I had stuff to do, ya know?

Every third post like: Ignore, ignore, like, ignore, ignore, like, etc.

 

Inadvertent like: Whoops! I meant to click the “comment” link.

Hillary Clinton Caught Playing Angry Birds During Senate Sub-committee Meeting

Washington D.C. - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was reportedly seen playing the popular on-line game Angry Birds during a Senate Homeland Security sub-committee meeting today, according to fellow committee member Dan Coats (R-IN).

“She was saying, ‘level three, level three, I can feel it’”, Coats said. “I’m sure I speak for other sub-committee members when I say that this is neither the time or place for frivolities of this type. I was embarrassed for her”.

Even fellow Democrat Mary Landrieu (LA) was overheard saying she witnessed Clinton staring intently into her phone, and even did a couple of fist-pumps at one point. “I tried to get her attention, but it was no use”, Landrieu shrugged.

A Clinton spokesman vehemently denied the allegations. “The Secretary of State was in fact responding to a text she received regarding an important foreign relations development which I am not at liberty to discuss here. The alleged fist-pumps were no doubt in response to that news”.

“Besides”, the spokesman continued, “no less than three other sub-committee members were observed playing Words with Friends, and Senator Murkowski (R-AK) was shopping for timeshares in the Bahamas“.

The president responded tersely to the report, reminding everyone that phones are to be turned off during sub-committee proceedings, and that as much as she plays, Clinton should have hit level three months ago.