Ignorance is Bliss (or a Reasonable Facsimile)

In looking back on my life, I’ve come to a startling revelation: Every wrong decision I’ve ever made could have been avoided if I’d only been a little dumber.  You heard me right.  If only I’d taken the oft travelled path, if I’d limited my choice to the first two options that popped into my head, if I’d only asked myself: “What would Kim Kardashian do?”

But no, I overthought everything.                                                        

It seems every time I turn around someone is falling backwards into a small fortune; waking up from a night of hard drinking and finding a Mark Fidrych rookie card stuck to their forehead, or inheriting a silver mine in Wyoming from a Great Uncle they never even knew they had. 

Yes, ignorance truly is bliss.  Or, a reasonable facsimile.

                              
In a typical day I reckon I see a hundred or so people, shuffling down the street in seasonally inappropriate garb, with that far-off glazed stare; at the stop light, a finger run up their nostril to the second knuckle; in line at the Burrito Barn, phone out, getting ready to share the latest internet hoax with 1,627 online friends.  They care not one whit about global warming, human trafficking, or what the stock market is doing, and most are as content as a pig rooting in mud.

To be clear, I’m not talking about those with diminished mental acuity.  I mean reasonably intelligent people who’ve intentionally set the bar embarrassingly low, and don’t take any particular interest in climbing over it.  They’re phoning it in; they’ve chosen a dumbed down life, and when they’re honest with themselves, will admit it was a no-brainer.  Ignorance equals bliss.  In a manner of speaking.

So the next time you have a critical, even life-changing decision to make, do yourself a favor: Get a coin, and flip it.  Make sure you determine in advance which side means what.

Stay dumb out there.

Man Enticed to Leave Larger Tip after Being Called “Sweetie”

Huntsville, AL – Sources reported today that Branigan’s Bar & Grille patron Dale Critz was prompted to leave a nearly 35% tip for bartender Brandi Philameno after having two Jack and Sevens at the neighborhood watering hole after work.

“Brandi’s good” Critz said with a nod, “she always takes care of me.”

“If they (men) come in here alone, I’ll call ‘em “honey” or “sweetie” and smile a little more than usual”, the 24 year old raven haired beauty reported with a shrug.  “Maybe I’ll pretend to yawn and stretch my arms out, arch my back a little”, she added, winking.

Critz reportedly tossed an extra dollar bill on the bar while basking in the sight of Philameno bent over the bottled beer cooler.  “She just has that extra…  something”, he said, “not like Connie.”  Critz was referring to 37 year old former bar manager Connie Agar, who’d recently left to pursue other opportunities.  Agar - who in addition to tending bar was also tasked with several managerial duties - had many more years’ experience than Philameno, who often confused the club soda and ginger ale, and had to constantly refer to the blackboard for the daily specials.

“If showing a little skin when I reach up for the Grey Goose, or tossing my head seductively as I’m dropping off the tab keeps ‘em coming back, then so be it”, Philameno concluded, running her professionally manicured nails through her hair.

At press time, Critz was reportedly inquiring as to Philameno’s favorite brand of perfume.

Customer Disservice

Standing in line at a fast food restaurant, I noticed the lad behind the counter was struggling to enter the order of a couple in front of me.  It wasn’t even that difficult an order, but the young man kept pecking at his console with an expression of total bewilderment.  At one point I reckoned it would’ve taken fewer keystrokes to spin up and launch a missile from a Trident submarine than to place an order for a couple of burgers, one with extra pickles, hold the mayo.
                                    
Anyone who’s ever tried to navigate the IVR (interactive voice response) system for a customer service line knows the frustration all too well.  You can almost hear faint echoes of laughter in the background from the manager that signed off on this nightmarish carousel-from-hell ear torture which typically after several minutes culminates with a: “Sorry, you’ve entered an invalid selection.  Goodbye”.

Admittedly, you don’t have to look very far to find customer service people who are apathetic, incompetent, and slothful, but the real problem here is often a lack of training, tools, and motivation for those who serve us.  Companies like to talk about their “world class” or “award winning” customer service, but this is often merely corporate-speak.  When your average business is looking to cut costs – and they’re always looking to cut costs – service is where they look first.  The sales staff and middle to upper management are generally richly compensated, while service takes a back seat; underpaid, understaffed, and underfunded.  And it’s typically the lowly phone grunt or order taker that feels the sting of the customer’s frustration when a popular item has been out of stock for weeks, or the repairman didn’t show up when promised, or it’s “company policy” that you can’t substitute one side item for another which costs the same amount.

For the estimated nine in ten Americans earning (or eking out) a living in customer service, the pain of enduring a beat-down for the short-comings of corporate skimping is both real and undeserved. And you just have to smile and take it.

But – when you hit the clock at the end of your shift, you magically transform into a consumer. You’re the customer now.  And the best way to have an impact is to demand the level of service the business claims to offer.  And the best way to do that is to understand the person standing in front of you or on the other end of the phone is not only not the problem, but also powerless to change anything.  Go to the company’s web-site and make your voice heard.  Be specific about the problem.  Don’t hold back.  Offer suggestions, like: “Took forever to pull up my account.  Upgrade software much?” Or: “Couldn’t hear me at the drive-thru.  Same speaker from when you opened in 1989?”  You’re the customer.  Vote with your wallet, and let them know if they want your business they’ll take you seriously and make those pretty words mean something.