Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize, Ascends Into Heaven, and Has Sainthood Bestowed Upon Him, All in One Afternoon

Washington, D.C. - On a day which will go down in history, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and then, after delivering his acceptance speech, raised his arms and was drawn into the heavenly aura, ringed by 10,000 angels. No sooner had the first-term President, and relative unknown until that one speech he gave at that one Democratic circle-jerk, cleared the stratosphere when Pope Benedict XVI announced via Twitter that he was bestowing sainthood on Saint Barack.

“We’ve been waiting for this for like, forever”, gushed Amilie Trucant, president of the N.A.O.P.A.E.E.O., (National Association of People Against Everything Except Obama). Then paused, and added, “well - since January, anyway”.

Equally giddy was former Vice President, now President Joe Biden. “I just want everyone to know”, he said, choking back tears, “that I intend to carry on the legacy of this great man. Well, except for maybe that health care thing. And all the incentives. I mean, come on, somebody’s gonna have to pay for this, right?”

In related news, with Saint Barack’s ascension, Oprah officially became the Most Important Human Being Alive. She celebrated by sending everyone in the world a coupon for 25 cents off an 11 ounce or larger bag of Kit Kat Fun-Sized candy bars.

Things That Really Bug Me: Volume Two

Extra-wide shopping carts:
I gotta believe some guy was strolling down the frozen foods aisle at his local supermarket when the thought occured to him: "You know, what this country needs is an even WIDER shopping cart. It only took me 17 minutes to navigate that obstacle course. I need more of a challenge."

When the waitress doesn't tell you Happy Hour is over:
I'm sorry, but when a beer goes from $2 to $3.75 in the blink of an eye, that first "full-price" baby should come with a flashing neon light or something.

People who let their kids answer their cell phone:
If I wanted to talk to your kid, I'd have called your kid.

Separate shipping and handling charges:
If I'm buying two of the EXACT SAME item, from the EXACT SAME company that will ship from the EXACT SAME warehouse, I am not going to pay separate shipping and handling. Just throw them in the same box, will ya?

Internet posters with the grammar skills of a third grader:
Your or you're? Their or they're? Whose or who's. Nothing says "I'm an uneducated, blathering idiot" like misusing common four and five letter words. Yeah, I know your spell-checker doesn't catch them. Do a little proofreading, huh?

People that try to sing along with the radio when they don't know the lyrics:
You know who you are.

Getting expired coupons in the mail:
It's bad enough that 87% of the mail goes into the trash unopened, but to get something I could actually use, only to find out it expired a week ago Thursday is maddening.

People who use leaf-blowers to clear grass clippings from the sidewalk:
Grab a broom. Chances are, you could use the exercise.

Celebrity endorsements:
Yeah, I'm sure Tony Stewart hits up the Check-N-Go when he's a little short on cash. And Jaclyn Smith wouldn't walk into a Kmart if you had a twelve-gauge shotgun leveled at her spleen.

Things of Yours I Don't Care to See

I was having dinner the other night. More precisely, I was trying to have dinner the other night. Just as my food arrived, a lady at the next table with a bandage on her knee (hereafter referred to as Bandage Lady) sees someone across the room she apparantly knows.

"Heyyyyyy", Bandage Lady yells," you've got to see this". And sure enough, Bandage Lady gets up, hobbles over to her friend and proceeds to take off her bandage and show her friend her scar. While I'm trying to eat. Having suddenly lost my appetite, all I could think of at that point was - you guessed it - Things of Yours I Don't Care to See:

Your scar
Okay, they ripped open your flesh, took something out (or put something in), or just moved stuff around. Then they sewed you back up with cat gut, or fishing line or whatever they use these days. I'm sorry. But, I really don't want to see it. Especially when I'm trying to eat.

Your bowling trophy
You seen one, you've seen them all.

Your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition collection
I've seen Marissa Miller in a bikini. Everyone over the age of seven has seen Marissa Miller in a bikini.

Yet another photo of your cat
Yes, I know you really like your cat. But - you have far too many photos of him.

That indistinguishable green thing you just pulled from between your teeth
No, I don't know what it is. Lettuce? Spinich? I give up. What did you have for lunch?

Your high school yearbook photo
You look like a total dork in your high school yearbook photo. Everyone does.

Your fantasy football roster
So you got Phillip Rivers and Adrian Peterson? Impressive.

That half a buffalo chicken wrap you found in your desk drawer
Got two words for you: air freshener.

Your horoscope
The thing that just slays me about people who read their horoscopes religiously is that they all claim they "don't really believe in that stuff".

Your tatoo
That's the third lower back tribal I've seen this week.

That corn flakes box with your favorite athlete on it
Yep, that's him.

Your child's report card
Got a "needs improvement" on Following Directions, huh?

That thing you can do with your toes
I'm sorry, but toes were simply not meant to bend that way.

Your wedding video
I'm sure it was beautiful beyond words.