Washington, D.C. - Having proven themselves utterly incompetent to solve the budget crisis, lower unemployment, or successfully complete any task more complex than tossing the car keys to a valet at some exclusive Bethesda nightclub, the elected representatives of the United States of America’s federal government have had a collective “hit the mascot between the eyes” epiphany and declared the currency of a popular board game to be equal to real, actual money.
Michigan Senator Carl Levin made the announcement, having won the honor by beating out two other senators or representatives or something in a marathon best-of-seven game of rock - paper - scissors.
“You heard right“, a beaming Levin said from the Capitol steps. “As of this moment every American household with a Monopoly game set is $15,140 richer. Unless they’ve lost some of the money. But - even then - they’re richer than when they woke up this morning”.
The news sent millions of Americans scrambling to their attics, basements, and junk drawers in search of the multi-colored currency, which until today was synonymous with worthlessness.
For now, it appears the big winner is 27 year old Brandon Goforth, a part-time Wal-Mart employee from Norman, Oklahoma. “I totally snagged 19 sets off the floor before anyone knew what was happening. I’ve got, like, a million dollars or something.” Goforth, who admits he was never that good at math, said he intends to pay off his 2009 Kia Rio, then “dive into some serious off-the-hook swag”.
When asked how much this influx of faux loot would further weaken the already anemic dollar, Levin referred questions to congressional page Seth Dunleavy who reported it was “somewhere North” of 25%. When asked to elaborate, Dunleavy pointed at a reporter‘s shoes. “Those Kenneth Coles you plunked down one-twenty for will cost $350 tomorrow”.
At the urging of President Obama, who was reportedly “more than a little interested” in learning how this legislation got passed without his knowledge, Hasbro has agreed to add the inscription “non-negotiable” to the game’s banknotes going forward.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Top 10 Ways to Beat the Heat
Well the dog days are here once more. Actually, I have no idea why they’re called the dog days, and to tell you the truth I don’t have the motivation to look it up. It’s just too hot. So, here are some suggestions to help you deal with the heat:
10. Strip down to underwear, lie face down on linoleum floor
9. Change PC and phone background to snowy landscape
8. More cold salads, fewer habanero chili dishes
7. Beer - lots and lots of beer
6. Set up mist tent with motion sensor in bathroom
5. Put “Miracle on 34th Street” on endless loop
4. Drive through car wash with windows down
3. Replace thermometers with ones which display Celsius
2. Plug ears and run screaming whenever someone mentions the heat
And the #1 way to beat the heat:
1. Freezer pop underwear
10. Strip down to underwear, lie face down on linoleum floor
9. Change PC and phone background to snowy landscape
8. More cold salads, fewer habanero chili dishes
7. Beer - lots and lots of beer
6. Set up mist tent with motion sensor in bathroom
5. Put “Miracle on 34th Street” on endless loop
4. Drive through car wash with windows down
3. Replace thermometers with ones which display Celsius
2. Plug ears and run screaming whenever someone mentions the heat
And the #1 way to beat the heat:
1. Freezer pop underwear
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Things That Still Work
People love to talk about things that are broken. Stuff that just doesn’t work anymore. And, if you take a minute to look around, you’ll find lots of things that don’t work anymore. A quick inventory included anything any level of government is in any way involved in, “Obama is a foreigner” conspiracy theories, the dog-and-pony shows that pass for elections, and 87% of pay phones.
But, rather than dwell on our failures, I propose we recognize and (in most cases) embrace things that still work:
The Internet:
Yes, it’s flawed; it’s saturated with annoying ads, and there are cyber-snakes hiding behind every URL and link. In order to fully appreciate the internet, one would had to have grown up in an era when if you wanted to know the population of Madagascar, or the lifetime batting average of the Cleveland Indians you’d have to trudge to the public library, find a reference book the size of a mini-fridge and look it up. If you wanted to know what the weather was going to be like the next day, you’d have to stay up and watch the eleven o’clock news. Now, with the click of a mouse, one can have the greater part of the collective knowledge of humankind at their fingertips. And, for now anyway - it’s free.
Duct Tape:
Usually misspelled duck tape, it’s still as sticky as the day it was invented, and has found thousands of useful applications.
Compassion:
If we’re defining working here as achieving the desired results, then compassion still fits the bill. The ability to empathize and care about another human being is a mutually beneficial situation, and as long as that is the case, compassion still works.
Listening:
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. We love to talk. We love to hear ourselves talk. But, all the talking is for naught if no one is listening. And listening is a lost art. Listening for nuances, for intonation, for what‘s not being said. Listening to capture the essence and message of what’s being communicated. Listening can be a powerful thing.
Deceit:
Manipulation of the truth for one’s greater gain has been with us since the dawn of man and, sadly, is still practiced successfully every day.
Volunteerism:
In good times and bad, we’ve demonstrated that we will cheerfully and enthusiastically give of ourselves for the sake of giving, expecting nothing in return. My hat’s off to those of you who choose to do so.
My 1960’s Vintage Canary Yellow Osterizer Galaxie Dual-speed Blender:
Made in the U.S.A. baby!
But, rather than dwell on our failures, I propose we recognize and (in most cases) embrace things that still work:
The Internet:
Yes, it’s flawed; it’s saturated with annoying ads, and there are cyber-snakes hiding behind every URL and link. In order to fully appreciate the internet, one would had to have grown up in an era when if you wanted to know the population of Madagascar, or the lifetime batting average of the Cleveland Indians you’d have to trudge to the public library, find a reference book the size of a mini-fridge and look it up. If you wanted to know what the weather was going to be like the next day, you’d have to stay up and watch the eleven o’clock news. Now, with the click of a mouse, one can have the greater part of the collective knowledge of humankind at their fingertips. And, for now anyway - it’s free.
Duct Tape:
Usually misspelled duck tape, it’s still as sticky as the day it was invented, and has found thousands of useful applications.
Compassion:
If we’re defining working here as achieving the desired results, then compassion still fits the bill. The ability to empathize and care about another human being is a mutually beneficial situation, and as long as that is the case, compassion still works.
Listening:
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. We love to talk. We love to hear ourselves talk. But, all the talking is for naught if no one is listening. And listening is a lost art. Listening for nuances, for intonation, for what‘s not being said. Listening to capture the essence and message of what’s being communicated. Listening can be a powerful thing.
Deceit:
Manipulation of the truth for one’s greater gain has been with us since the dawn of man and, sadly, is still practiced successfully every day.
Volunteerism:
In good times and bad, we’ve demonstrated that we will cheerfully and enthusiastically give of ourselves for the sake of giving, expecting nothing in return. My hat’s off to those of you who choose to do so.
My 1960’s Vintage Canary Yellow Osterizer Galaxie Dual-speed Blender:
Made in the U.S.A. baby!
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